


Starring Bruce Wayne as The Batman

by CompassUniverse



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DC Animated Universe (Timmverse)
Genre: Bruce Wayne is confused, Bruce Wayne is stressed, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Family Dynamics, For like a chapter, Gen, I love Jason Todd btw he's fun, I'm just having fun at this point, Inspired by Tumblr in parts, It isn't really all media types cuz idk what's happened recently, Jason Todd is amused, Metahumans, Other, Playwright, Stressed college kid, Stressed non-Gotham native, Texting, The Butts Match, This might turn into an occasional college vent, Ugh college is hard, based on Tumblr posts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2019-08-02 18:09:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 26
Words: 49,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16310165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CompassUniverse/pseuds/CompassUniverse
Summary: INT. OFFICE - EVENINGGORDON (Milo V. get contact info) sits at desk. (see about photos of inside office?) A shadow passes the window. The lights flicker. Enter BATMAN (Bruce Wayne? Send letter.)(meet bat for info?)Alice knows that it's unlikely. She knows that it's ridiculous. But, hey, can it really hurt to ask Bruce Wayne to play Batman in her final project?





	1. Chapter 1

Alice chewed on her pen as she walked, the solid metal casing unfaltering under her intense thought. It was dark out, darker than it usually was, and Clementine was chatting in her ear to make sure that she didn't get murdered. Alice would hum every now and then to confirm, yep, still alive, and then Clementine would continue reading from her ethics book. It might have made for useful studying, if Alice wasn't almost entirely focused on the packet in her hands. It was only the first twenty minutes or so of the screenplay, but she was still working out some of the kinks.

She'd talked to every one of her classmates who'd met Batman, an easy task when Gotham University had a relatively small student population and a campus-wide email, but it was hard to actually get the Bat's demeanor. Did he  _like_ being Batman? He didn't seem to smile, but someone, Vicky, Veronica, something like that, had said that he definitely had a lot of 'gusto' in his fights. The Bat was a big fan of swooping in and out, so maybe he liked being enigmatic and silent, but how was Alice supposed to give decent foreshadowing for the identity reveal when said identity was the charismatic and vocal Bruce Wayne? Of course, she probably didn't have a chance at  _actually_ getting Bruce Wayne involved, but Clementine said that she knew a guy who could make a stunt double for the man, so Alice was keeping that on the back burner.

She turned the corner and paused, looking up at the streetlight. The campus was usually well lit, even for the people who lived on the outer edges, and it was far past the usual hour that the lights were on. Her grip tightened on the pen as she stared up at the light, then, swiftly, looked at the ground. Glass shards glinted on the edges of the last light's range.

"Clem-"

A hand clamped over Alice's mouth and a beard scratched the side of her face as a voice whispered, "Shh, babe, don't want to cause a-agh!"

Whatever he'd been about to say cut off as Alice jammed her pen into his side. It wasn't particularly sharp, but she went back with enough force that it had to hurt. She slammed her foot down and wrenched her head back, connecting with something for both of them, and bolted as soon as the grip on her loosened.

"Shit! Alice, I'm calling the cops, okay? You by West? Where are you?" Clem's voice demanded, a little bit tinny since one of the earbuds had fallen out.

"Fuck, don't let her get away!" a voice barked, which meant there were at least two.

Alice fumbled with the script, rolling it into a poor semblance of a bat as she scanned for a street sign. Even after four years in Gotham, being a transfer sucked. Gotham University had offered the best scholarship she'd been able to get. Taking a year off after her parent's accident had really hurt her academic career in the long run.

"Twilight," she said, catching the letters on a sign as she passed. "I'm passing the intersection of Twilight and Eleventh."

"Okay, I've got them on the line, okay? You good?"

"Track team hasn't failed me yet," Alice replied, which was quickly proven the wrong thing to say when a hand closed around the hood of her jacket and yanked her back. She yelped and flung back an elbow, then realized,  _oh yeah, Batman is actually a thing_ , and screamed like she was at a One Direction concert. That analogy might not work, since she was pretty sure One Direction had broken up, but it did the trick because three voices immediately started arguing about shutting her up.

Her lung capacity was excellent, Alice decided as she headbutted someone for the second time. Unfortunately, they didn't release her at that one. One of them managed to get a hold of her hair pin, a fancy, costume-jewelry clip and yanked like he expected it to do something, but the thing was barely holding her hair up on a good day so all it did was help her get her head free. She stomped on a foot and pulled her jacket's zipper until it came undone, then probably hurt her arms wrenching herself out of the jacket and into a dead run again.

Well, there went her phone. And also that copy of her script, but she had it saved on a drive, so she wasn't too worried about that part. The phone wasn't going to be great to replace, but she was pretty sure she was insured against standard mugging, with the fine print indicating there was no known big-bad involved. She should probably check on that policy soon anyway, Halloween was coming up and she should adjust the policy for some of those villains.

Wait, was she insured against Joker? She'd need to double check; there was a rumor that he'd died over the summer, but he'd shown up again. She probably was. Joker was a must.

Shit, she was running out of air.

Alice looked up at the rooftops, briefly reflecting that she was glad she'd put in contacts instead of glasses, since glasses would've almost definitely fallen off. She shut her mouth, cutting off the scream, and breathed deeply. Her throat hurt. Run like it's a marathon. A shadow moved on the roof, then it was gone, fast enough that Alice wasn't sure if she'd actually seen it move. She lowered her head and ran.

A hand grabbed her arm. Damn, maybe track team did fail her.

The hand pulled her to the side and she curled her hand into a fist- Gotham University had free self-defense classes; she'd have to stop by and thank the teacher -but then she was free again and a flash of red darted by. Alice did the dumb thing and whipped around to watch as  _Red Hood_ lunged at the three men, pulling out a gun and firing three times. The men dropped and didn't move again. Fast and efficient. Noted.

"Are they dead?"

He turned back at her voice; if he was surprised to see her, he didn't let it show. Though, the helmet was kind of a huge blocker. Whoever played him, Alice would have to figure out how to make them move like a non-Power Ranger. "No. Just unconscious."

"Okay. I'm going back for my stuff, then." Alice huffed out a breath, blowing some of her powder-blonde hair from her face, and headed toward her.

"You should get inside," Hood said. "It's dangerous to be out this late."

"And it'd dangerous to be out without my phone, which is back there." Alice pointed to where she could see a lump that was probably her coat. "And if my script isn't ruined-" She stopped, eyes widening, and turned back to Red Hood. "You're Red Hood."

He paused, then drawled, "It took you that long to realize?"

"No, no, if you're Red Hood..." Alice grinned, tugging her hair back. "Could I get a sound byte? If I can record your voice, I can make the actor sound like you! Well, Clem can. She's doing sound for me. Ooh, how would you feel about reading over my script? I have no  _clue_ what Batman sounds like!"

"Like a guy who smoked six packs a day, mostly," Hood said slowly. He was quiet for another moment, then asked, "You're a film student?"

"Yep!" Alice stuck her hand out. "Alice Elroy." Hood looked at her hand and she lowered it, stepping backward toward her things. "So? How about it? Just a few sentences, maybe some of the lines? You don't have a lot because I couldn't get much information on you, but-"

"You're making a movie about Batman?" he asked.

"Yeah! It's a comedy."

"Who's the bat?"

Alice grinned. "The butts match."

Red Hood was silent for a long, long minute. Then he doubled over laughing. Alice took that moment to get her coat and pull it on again. Her hair clip was lost to the street, but, as it hadn't rained recently, the edited pages of her script were unharmed. Alice walked back over to him, checking her phone. It's case had protected it, and Clementine had sent her a dozen text messages.

"Hey, Clem, I'm okay," she said into the speaker. "Red Hood showed."

Clementine gasped loudly in Alice's ear, sniffled, then shouted, "You'd better get him to give you a sound byte! Offer him free food! Everyone loves free food! I'm sending Thai over to your place right now!"

Alice laughed. "Thanks," she said.

Clementine blew her a kiss, then the line dropped.

"The big reveal is going to be Bruce Wayne?" Red Hood crowed; apparently he'd been waited for her to finish, which Alice appreciated.

"Yep," she replied, popping the P. "I think it'll work, seeing how it made you laugh."

"No, no," Hood chuckled, waving a hand. "Anything at his expense will make me laugh, trust me."

Alice made another note of that. "So, my friend is sending Thai food to my apartment, if you want to come back there where I've got some of her more fancy recording stuff, or I can just use my phone here."

That got Red Hood laughing again. Alice made another note. When he was done, he asked, "You serious? Don't you know I'm dangerous?"

"So's Batman, but I'd be inviting him back if he'd shown up. Any of you, really. Free food."

" _You're_ the college kid, you should be getting baited with free food!"

"Does that mean you have food?"

He laughed. Alice was starting to think he'd hurt himself. "You know what, sure! I was craving Thai anyway. Let's go."

She brightened immediately. "Great! While we walk, can I ask some questions?"

Hood chuckled. "No, you can't see behind the mask."

She snorted. "Duh. What's your relationship with the Bat? What got you working together? I heard that you were cleaning up crime,  _actually_ cleaning up crime, and then you changed it up. Rubber bullets. No more head deliveries. Did you actually mail someone's head in?"

"It's hard to tell what's rumor and what isn't," Hood chuckled, and didn't answer. "And the Bat..." It was impossible to tell where he was looking. Alice tried to memorize his outfit. "He's like, an overprotective dad."

Alice paused, tipping her head to the side. "But the Robins are always in trouble."

"Yeah, sure, until they do something he doesn't like, and then he comes swooping in. It's always a big ordeal."

Alice wrote _dad-mode?_ on her paper. "So...what changed? With you? Why'd you stop? What you were doing, it was working."

Hood grunted. "He went," he leaned over to look at her paper, "dad-mode on me."

She hummed, circling the Red Hood lines that she had while she thought. She'd need to make sure to go over them again after the encounter, and she wanted to ask questions that could actually help. "How would you describe your relationship with the Robins?" She paused, then amended, "Red Robin, the current Robin, and Nightwing. Was he a Robin, by the way? It kind of lines up."

Hood blatantly ignored the question. "Nightwing's about as dad as Bats, frankly, and the baby bat is a fuckin' demon." He chuckled. "Replacement's, uh, R.R., alright. Yeah, he's okay. Bit of a showboat. Works too much."

"Replacement?" Alice repeated, pausing before she wrote.

"Yeah, Red."

"But why do you call him that? Who'd he replace?"

Red Hood didn't answer.

Alice studied him, debating, then said, "It's interesting that there are two Red's working with the Bat. You and Red Robin. You came first, though. Right?"

"Damn straight." Hood nodded sharply. "So, who've you got playin' us, anyway?"

"Oh! Well, you're not cast yet; you're kind of violent, even in this, and anyone who seemed interested was a little, um, too eager, maybe? Batgirl is Clementine, my sound friend, and Black Bat is one of my classmates, her name's June. I think she just wants an excuse to sit around and play on her phone, but that's okay. Nightwing is Clementine's boyfriend Drake, Red Robin is a girl named Lily, she's a  _huge_ fan of his and actually met him once so she practically jumped me to get in. We don't have anyone for Robin, mainly because he's so short, and I'm trying to be at least kinda accurate."

Red Hood snorted. Alice grinned.

"Is that a problem with him?" she questioned lightly.

Hood didn't answer, just laughed louder. After a moment, he waved his hand and questioned, "What about the Bat? The main man?"

Alice hesitated. It was ridiculous, of course, and Clem's guy was probably going to be who they went to. "Well, we have a second who Clem says is pretty much a guarantee. He's a friend of hers from nearby, so he's probably going to be it, but..." She pushed her hair back, then continued, "I'm kind of hoping to get the actual Bruce Wayne to do it. It'd just be fun, you know, so he probably wouldn't, and why would he, it's not like I can pay him, and I doubt that he'd even stay for free food, but it just seems so perfect because I could set up all of these hints and then at the end he's walking through his bat cave, does he have a bat cave, by the way, and Alfred, who's being played by my teacher, shows up and says, welcome home Master Wayne and if it was Bruce Wayne I could have the camera go around to his face for just an instant and he could say, the butts really do match, which would be so much better than just cutting to black." Red Hood didn't speak, and Alice weakly added, "You know?"

"That," he finally said as they reached her building, "is the best idea ever."

Alice dropped her keycard and hastily swept it up again. "Really?" she gasped, pushing open the door. "Because, like, you have no idea how much that means to me."

"Best idea ever," Hood repeated, following her up the steps. When she pushed open her own door, still reeling from  _Red Hood's_ praise, he said, "How did the food beat us here?"

Alice focused forward. Sure enough, three bags sat on her table. "Clem has a drone. She probably just used that."

"How'd it get through the window?"

"There's a dog door thing in the window for it."

"A dog...window."

"Yeah. It's afraid of storms."

Red Hood stopped, but Alice didn't look up as she pulled out the food, separating some of it into another bag. "Afraid of storms."

"Yeah. And Clem just sorta lets it go sometimes, and it'll use the door if it rains. I found it under the couch once. Hey, how do you eat? Does that thing have, like, a food slot?"

"I'm not going to eat your food," he huffed.

Alice paused, considering protesting, then realized that him not eating her food meant that she'd have more leftovers. "Okay!" She set down the script portion and stepped into the living room, snagging the fancy recorder that, frankly, she only knew how to turn on. "Can you just read some of the circled lines, please?"

Hood turned away from her fridge, which had an unused planner magnetized to it. "Yeah, sure. How're you getting in touch with Wayne, anyway?"

Alice glanced up from the machine. "I wrote a letter. I'm going to stop by the post office tomorrow to send it. It's got my email address and my phone number in case he's interested."

"How'd you get his address?"

"Wayne Manor."

"Fair enough." Hood picked up the script. "I can deliver it, if you want."

"Is that, like, legal?" She set the device on the table.

Hood shrugged. "Probably. I'll make sure it actually gets there, though."

Alice studied him for a moment, then shrugged. "Okay, thanks. Uh...how many letters do you think is too many to send?"

He raised his head. "How many have you sent?"

"None, yet."

"Then don't worry about it. That one will be all ya' need. Is that thing on?"

"Oh, yeah." Alice hit the button and sat back as Hood started to read, interrupting himself with a chuckle before he cleared his throat and started again. Clem was going to flip.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone know Gotham's area code?

Bruce frowned at the envelope sitting innocently on his desk. It was plain and white, signed in a script that had just an edge of curls to it that suggested the writer was trying very hard to make the address legible. Said address was only his name, not the location, simply,  _Mr. Bruce Wayne._ He knew that Alfred hadn't put it there; he would have been told about mail, then. Slowly, he stepped forward and examined it.

There was no trace of anyone else in his office. The window was locked, and alarms would have gone off it had had been tampered with. His chair had not been moved, nor had anything else on his desk. Everything was exactly where it should be, except for the letter.

In what may have been a lapse of judgement, Bruce picked it up. Nothing happened. He opened it slowly and raised an eyebrow when all that was inside was a single folded paper. He pulled the paper free, ready to reach for a gas mask or antitoxin or anything of the sort, and nothing continued to happened. He unfolded the paper.

_Dear Mr. Wayne,_

_My name is Alice. I am a student at Gotham University and for my final project, I am composing a comedy about the Batman. If you would be willing, I would be honored to have you play the role of the Batman._

_While the full script is still in need of editing, it is complete, and I would be able to shoot all of Batman's scenes at one time. I understand that you are a busy man and I am grateful for what you have done for the community, as well as what Batman has done. I would be honored if you were willing to appear in the film. I have attached all of the lines that Batman currently has, and if you were willing to come in for even one, specifically the last one, if possible, my production team and I would be more than grateful._

_Sincerely,_

_Alice C. Vertur_

_Gotham University East Campus Suites Room 208_

_247-613-5612_

Bruce looked up. He turned his head, scanning for a camera. He flipped over the page to find the last line and let out a loud, undignified snort. "The butts really do match?"

* * *

"He  _what_?"

"He read all of them," Alice repeated happily. "We'll have to edit out some of his laughing, but all of them."

Clementine bounded in a circle, squeaking with glee. "This is even better than when Scarecrow gassed all the teachers and we got to pass our finals!"

Alice nodded. "Yeah, that was great. Which reminds me, he also offered to deliver the message to Bruce Wayne."

"Holy shit." Clementine grabbed onto a passerby. "Holy shit, Alice, Red Hood is the best."

The passerby in question gave her a look like she was crazy and shuffled away. Alice simply nodded, adjusting her grip on her bag and eyeing the line in front of Clementine's favorite coffee shop. They had great danishes.

"Have you gotten in touch with your friend about playing Batman, you know, realistically?"

"Oh, Richard? Yeah, I have! He said he'd be totally down for it. I bet he'd be able to do some tricks, too, you know," Clementine whipped out her phone and kept talking as she typed, "because he used to be a gymnast, or something. Part of a traveling act!"

Alice stepped forward in the line and tugged Clementine forward. "Really? That would be pretty fun, but I don't know how big on flips the Bat is. I wish there were more video sources. And no, Drake is still not going to be paid if he goes out and tries to track him. He's more likely to get killed; I don't care how good he thinks my food is."

"Richard says he's nearby so he'll come say hi. And, honey, I would track the  _Joker_ if it meant getting my hands on a pie from you."

"I'm too poor to make pie," Alice retorted.

"I'm not a monster! I'd give you the funds for ingredients."

"I'm not going to take your money, Clem."

"Well, I'm going to die if I don't get pie."

"That sounds like a strange and tragic disease," a voice behind Alice commented, and she glanced over her shoulder, half-grinning with a formed response before she paused and simply stared.

Clementine had no such restrictions and leapt forward, hugging the guy tightly. "Richard! Alice, this is my friend!"

"Definitely in good shape for it; Julie would probably be able to get us a costume easily with him," Alice answered", eyes narrowed thoughtfully. Then she blinked and held out a hand. "Alice. Clem tells me that you'd be interested in playing Batman?"

"I definitely would! I think I can act the part; I've met him more than once!" Richard shook her hand, eyes glittering with humor. Someone behind him snorted and he continued, "You and Clementine have a class together, or are you just friends?"

"Suitemates in first year, and then we stayed in touch," Alice replied smoothly. She looked behind him for who had made the noise and found two other men, both of whom seemed to be in desperate need of the coffee that Alice and Clementine were in line for. One looked younger than the other and had significantly darker shadows under his eyes, but it was the other that immediately captured Alice's attention.

She stepped away from Clementine, only half-listening when Clementine asked Richard if he was still giving self-defense classes, and circled the older male. Technically, she circled both, but that was only because they were standing relatively close together and she didn't want to step between them. They both looked at her as she moved, the younger with a puzzled expression and a yawn and the older, who, Alice noted had a white streak in his hair that may or may not have been natural, with an amused quirk to his lips. She returned to her post beside Clementine and crossed her arms, studying him. He raised an eyebrow.

"Would you-"

"How about it, Alice?" Clementine interrupted, and Alice focused on her again.

"What?"

"Want to take a self-defense class with me? Richard's a great teacher, and you can't let something like last night happen again!"

"What happened last night?" Richard asked, frowning.

"I met Red Hood," Alice replied, and his eyebrows shot up. She didn't give him a chance to answer, though, and continued to who she assumed was his companion; "Would you be interested in playing Hood for a movie?"

The man's face went slack and both the younger male and Richard twisted rather dramatically to look at him. Then Richard started to laugh, the younger one snorted and clutched his stomach, and he responded by punching them both in the arm, one after the other, without looking.

"Oh, come on, Jaybird, you'd be great!" Richard hooted, unfazed by the blow. "You could play Red Hood!"

Clementine inclined her head to the side, eyeing the man. "You think he'd be good for it?" she asked, looking at Alice again.

Alice nodded. "He's got the same build, and it doesn't hurt to be a little accurate."

"It'd at least balance out Red Robin being a girl," Clementine mused, and the youngest of the three let out a peculiar noise similar to a squeaky toy that had been unexpectedly stepped on.

The potential Red Hood still hadn't responded, staring at her with his mouth half open and his eyes slightly narrowed, so Alice offered, "You wouldn't have to talk, if that's an issue. He was really helpful last night and read off all of his, well, his character's lines for me, and with his helmet-hood-thing we can just dub the voice."

"That's probably what we'll do anyway," Clementine added.

" _Red Hood_ read off his lines for you?" Richard asked, eyes wide, grin so wide he could have slapped on some paint and been the Joker. Oh, now that was an idea. Alice tipped her head to the side and studied him thoughtfully.

"Yeah! And he delivered the letter for Alice's dream Batman," Clementine said gleefully.

Richard gasped, pressing a hand dramatically to his chest. "I'm not your first choice?"

"You'd be a great Joker," Alice said.

Everyone stopped. A few people in the line turned and looked at her. Clementine pressed her hands to her face. The possible Red Hood tipped back his head and laughed. Oh, yes, he'd make an  _excellent_ Red Hood.

"Are you acting in the movie?" the third member of Richard's party asked, studying her.

Alice glanced at Clementine, who was still hiding her face. "Kind of. I'm the Playwright, a villain that's controlling everything. I don't really appear, and it's just hinted at. Cracking the fourth wall is fun."

"And why do you think Dick should be Joker?"

"Could be, not should be," Alice corrected. "It's not like he has to be. And he has a very good diabolical smile, and he's tall enough that he could tower over our Red Robin, and Robin-Robin, if we find one."

"Maybe we can borrow a teacher's toddler?" Clementine said suddenly, head popping up. The Robin actor was a serious issue for her, for reasons that Alice wasn't clear on. "He's pretty much that small and we can give the kid a fake sword."

The Red Hood candidate had gotten himself under control, but at that, he started wheezing again. Alice might have been concerned if he wasn't continuing to be a perfect candidate.

"Isn't that child endangerment?" Alice asked.

"You wanted to endanger my giant stuffed dog as Bat Dog."

" _You_ wanted to use Gram as Bat Dog. I don't even have a role for Bat Dog."

Clementine gasped. "And that is a tragedy! I demand a rewrite!"

"Absolutely not. That script was my summer." Alice turned her back on her friend, looking at Richard's companions. "I'm sorry, I just realized that I didn't ask your names. As you've probably picked up by now, I'm Alice."

"Tim," the shortest of them answered, nodding. "And he's Jason. I, for one, think he's make a horrible Red Hood."

"Oi!" Jason protested.

"Does that mean you want to?" Alice asked hopefully, and jumped when Clementine suddenly gasped and grabbed her arm.

"We're going to be late for class! I told you we shouldn't have early class, but did you listen? Nope!"

"Oh, we do need to go," Alice agreed, moving along with her as Clementine pulled her in the direction of their building. "Richard, would it be okay if Clem texted you my contact information?"

Richard nodded, smiling faintly. "I'll give it to Jaybird, too. Don't worry."

"Thank you!" Alice grinned at him and then spun, bolting ahead of Clementine, who squawked indignantly and raced after her.

* * *

Unknown Number (9:42)

Hello. Is this Alice Vertur?

Alice (9:43)

Yep, that's me! Is this Jason?

Unknown Number (10:00)

No. This is Bruce Wayne. I'd like to hear more about the project you mentioned in your letter, and how it got on my desk.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: My teacher hasn't returned our paper and I don't want to start the next paper without seeing it.  
> My friend: You could start it anyway. At least instead of writing fanfiction.  
> Me: But someone commented on it!  
> My friend: This is why you made a Patreon! Make them pay you for it and study until they do!  
> Me: *gasps*  
> My friend: *also gasps and then adjusts her fanny pack, reminding me why I can't take her seriously*


	3. Chapter 3

Clementine made a concerning wheezy noise. Alice didn't pay attention to her, sitting nervously in the cafe. When the sleek car pulled up, the coffee that Clementine had gotten burst she squeezed it so hard.

Both girls sprang up, Clementine rushing to press napkins to the spill, and Alice hovered anxiously, looking up with wide eyes when  _Bruce Wayne_ walked into the cafe. She wasn't the only one staring, but he still managed to identify her and walk over, showing a polite smile as he held out his hand.

"Alice?"

"Bruce Wayne," she said faintly, and shook his hand. "Thank you for giving us your time."

He smiled a little more, looking over at Clementine, who was holding a dripping mass of napkins. She blanched when he looked at her and scrambled away. He blinked.

"I'm, I'm very sorry. Thank you so much. Uh, like I said in the messages," Alice pulled out a chair for him and he sat with an amused expression, "we've found someone to act as the body of Batman, and frankly the voice if you don't want to, and really the only one that we'd love to have is-"

"Robin!" Clementine screeched, and Alice's head snapped up. Clementine was standing in front of a scowling boy, delight written across her features. Bruce Wayne also turned to look, an odd expression passing his features.

"Actually, that's my son, Damien."

"Alice, if he's Robin we won't need to use a toddler!" Clementine shouted, then gasped. "Wait! What if he's too tall? Maybe we should get his voice and use a toddler anyway? Hey, little buddy, want to have your voice in a movie?"

Damien Wayne made a strangled noise, looking sharply at Bruce Wayne, whose odd expression was now tinted with amusement. "Father, I refuse to take part in this game!"

Clementine didn't follow his gaze, blissfully unaware that Bruce Wayne was the father in mind. "I'm sending his picture to Richard, seeing what he thinks," she said eagerly.

"Our Batman," Alice explained to Bruce Wayne. "He's a friend of Clementine's. Gave her self-defense classes. He had the potential Red Hood, Jason, with him, when we met."

"Ah." Bruce Wayne nodded. He paused, then asked, "His last name wouldn't happen to be Grayson, would it?"

Alice started to call to Clementine, who was still grinning expectantly at Bruce Wayne's son, then decided against it and pulled out her phone, scrolling to the contact information she'd put in for him. "Yep, Grayson. Do you know him?"

Bruce paused, then said, "He's one of my wards."

Alice blinked. "Oh. Wow. I, uh, wow. That could actually be pretty fun. Like, Batman's the family business."

Bruce smiled, with the same strange pinch that he'd had when he first turned to look at Damien, who was stalking over to them with Clementine behind him. "Did you catch Jason's last name?"

"No, I didn't," Alice said. "And he hasn't messaged me, so I don't know if I will." She hesitated, then asked, "Do you, also know a Jason?"

Bruce frowned and didn't answer.

"Richard replied with a bunch of laughing emojis," Clementine told Alice. "I don't get it."

"It's probably because Damien's his brother," Alice replied. "And also, you know, Bruce Wayne's son."

Clementine stared at her. Alice looked pointedly at where Damien was standing next to Bruce, scowling. Clementine moved mechanically, punching a button on her phone and raising it to her ear. In a sweet, menacing voice, she said, "Richard, I didn't know you knew Bruce Wayne."

"Is she in the movie?" Bruce asked, leaning toward Alice.

Alice nodded. "She's sound production and Batgirl."

Bruce nodded, watching as Clementine smiled sweetly at them and vanished outside. 

"I'd be willing to bet twenty bucks that she and Richard dated at some point," Alice said, watching Clementine throw an arm into the air. She paced in a circle. 

"As if Grayson would ever date such plebians!" Damien snapped, and Alice looked at him, eyes wide and surprised.

"Damien, I do believe you'd be an excellent Robin, especially as so many of the family is involved," Bruce said smoothly, and Damien gawped at him. "You could have a bonding experience. Dick would love to have you."

"You'd be welcome to just watch on the set," Alice added. "One of my teachers got her son a Robin costume for Halloween and he hasn't outgrown it yet, so that's probably who we'll use anyway."

Damien's nose scrunched. "How old is this Robin?" he asked suspiciously.

"Uh," Alice started to reach for her phone, but changed her mind when she realized that the only person she could check with was Clem. "I think he's six or seven, but don't quote me on that."

Damien made a strangled noise, looking sharply at Bruce Wayne, then he stomped one foot. "Very well! I will be Robin, and Father will supply the costumes. All of them."

Alice had picked the wrong moment to take a small sip of her mostly forgotten, very cold, lemon tea. She swallowed quickly and coughed into her arm, then gasped, "That's really not necessary, sir!" Her eyes flicked between Bruce Wayne and his son, suddenly uncertain as to which one she should be addressing. "We've connected to the drama department and-"

"I insist," Bruce Wayne said with a smile. "Frankly, I'm," he paused, then continued, "honored that you would think of me as even capable of being the Batman."

Alice stared at him. Weakly, she said, "The butts match."

Bruce Wayne smiled. "Indeed. Shall we begin the voice recording? I can transport us to my mansion if you would also like to shoot the final scene. I will apply my very best Batman voice."

Clementine chose that moment to stride back in, face flushed and hair wild. "What'd I miss?"

"We would be grateful if you could," Alice said to Bruce Wayne. "Clem brought all of her sound gear here, but I'm sure it would be even better in your home."

Bruce Wayne kept smiling. It was rather disarming. He stood. "Come along, then."

Clementine looked sharply at Alice, then rushed after the billionaire. Alice followed more slowly, taking one last drink of her tea. It was still cold and unpleasant, and did nothing to help her wake up from what she was fairly certain had to be a dream.


	4. Chapter 4

Alice practically bounced into her apartment, eyes sparkling even in the perpetual darkness of both Gotham and her delay in finding the light switch. At some point around the fourth 'The Butts Match' take, Alfred had come in and given all of them food. It was about that time that Alice had finally realized, yeah, this is actually happening, you're not dreaming, holy shit what is your life. She dropped her backpack, barely flinching at the thud of the script she'd gotten to editing after realizing that Alfred was some quality material and their new Robin was going to be so much fun to mess with, and pulled out her phone when it buzzed.

Clementine (20:57)

Holy gurl shit did that really happen

Alice (20:57)

It did!! I'm going to have to find RH and thank him!

Clementine (20:57)

woGHD;LEHG; ALICE NO DO NOT SEEK OUT THE SCARY VIGILANTE GUY

Alice (20:57)

You said that you wanted to get the sound of the irl Batman and Robin and Nightwing and Batgirl and them tho? How'd you think we'd get them?

Tiny dots appeared, then vanished, then appeared again. Alice laughed softly and twisted to flick the light switch on.

"You offered my part to someone else?"

Alice shrieked and swiveled, pitching her phone at the source of the voice without thinking about how it was her  _phone_. Luckily, Red Hood caught it in one hand, somehow managing to look immensely put out from where he was sitting cross legged on her counter with a giant red bucket-thing on his head.

"Don't scream, it's just me," he said with a huff, and set her phone down. "I can't believe you offered my part to some guy off the street!"

Alice stared at him, one hand pressed to her chest as she took deep, steady breaths. "How, how did you get, where?" She looked around, but the windows were still closed and locked as she'd left them.

"Come on, I'm Red Hood. I can get into wherever I want. But that's not the problem!"

"This is breaking and entering!"

"Oh, come on, I saved you the other day, plus I delivered that letter. We're, like, friend status."

"Tentative acquaintances, bucket head."

He gasped, the sound dramatically overdone, and Alice couldn't help but relax as she laughed. Red Hood crossed his arms and she had the definite sense that he was glaring at her, or maybe pouting, and considered that she'd probably be unable to get a Red Hood actor that would be able to be so expressive without looking like a Power Ranger. Except, wait.

"Wait," she said. "Wait, wait, wait. Rewind. What do you mean, your part?"

Red Hood huffed. "My part. In your script."

"You mean Red Hood's part?"

"Uh, yeah. And that's me. Red Hood."

Alice stared at him. She stepped forward and picked up her phone; Red Hood didn't move. She dialed, ignoring the message that Clem had finally sent.

"Alice?" Clementine asked, a frown clear to her voice.

"Hey, Clem. I'm putting you on speaker. Red Hood is also here."

Clementine paused. "What? Aren't you at your place?"

"Yeah," Alice confirmed. "He broke in. How long have you been waiting for me?"

Red Hood shrugged. "A few hours."

Alice looked at his crossed legs and considered that he hadn't moved. "Are, are your legs asleep? Is that why you're still sitting like that?"

Hood snorted. "What? No."

"Oh, yeah? Stand up." Alice stepped back, eyes narrowed.

"Don't feel like it."

"So you can't."

"I can. I just don't want to."

"Alice, what the fuck?" Clementine demanded.

"He's sitting on my counter," Alice replied.

"Should I be calling the police? The commissioner? The Batman? I still have that little flashlight my parents gave me!"

"I really doubt he'd see it unless he was actively watching us," Alice pointed out, and then paused. "Hold on, how did you know that I offered the part to that guy?"

Red Hood scoffed. "I've got eyes and ears everywhere."

"You were stalking her!" Clementine gasped. "I'm calling Richard!"

"What, no-"

Clementine hung up. Alice looked at her phone, then at him.

"I didn't even get to tell her why I called," she said. "Do you seriously want to be Red Hood? A fake Red Hood?"

He huffed. "I mean. It'd be funny. Roll the credits, and you've got Batman voiced by Bruce Wayne, then Red Hood played by Red Hood." He snickered. "It'd be like Nightwing being Batman."

Alice crossed her arms, studying him. It would be fun, she considered, and having someone who actually knew how everyone interacted would help. "You wouldn't be paid," she said, and he straightened. "And you'd have to be on schedule, at least some of the time. If you really want to do this, not just be a voice like Mr. Wayne, thank you for that, by the way, you have to be present."

"I can do that," he snorted. "Besides, if someone does attack, it's not like your whole cast is going to stick around."

That was true. Alice would probably have to sit on Clementine to stop her from going after Ivy again. She nodded, setting her jaw and rolling her shoulders back. "Fine. You're right. Don't expect me to cover for you, though. We're not actually going to tell everyone who you are. And we can get a fake costume from Mr. Wayne."

"What?" Hood inclined his head.

"Mr. Wayne agreed to supply costumes. I'm sure that they'll be safe; his son is going to be in the movie and I doubt he'd put him in danger even though there aren't really stunts."

"His son? You mean Grayson?"

Alice frowned, then realized that Hood had probably picked that up whenever he was stalking her and found out that she'd met Jason. "No. Damien."

Hood fell off the counter, landing with a crack that had Alice more concerned for the floor than for the hero. That concern was probably accurately placed, because Hood proceeded to roll onto his side and cackle noisily. Alice rolled her eyes and stepped over him to get out a mug.

"Do you want tea?" she asked the giggling hero. "I've got honey."

He waved listlessly, so she decided to make him some anyway. It was surprisingly easy to navigate around him, even stepping over his hand when he finally moved to right himself and almost smacked her ankle. Alice put one mug into the microwave and pulled out her small collection of tea boxes, setting them on the counter so he couldn't sit there again.

"Pick one that you like. My favorite is orange and ginger."

Red Hood hauled himself to his feet, still snickering, and started to rifle through the boxes. "Damien Wayne is Robin? How'd you get that to happen?" he finally asked, pulling out a sample of raspberry tea.

Alice removed his mug and passed it to him, obligingly dropping the teabag into it as she grabbed the honey bottle and a spoon. Hood took all of them with a distinctly amused air. "I don't know. He was really up in arms about it at first, but then I told him about who we were going to use instead and he wanted it." She watched as he poured a steady stream of honey into his mug. "If you take more than half, you're buying me more."

"And how am I supposed to get it to you if I'm not allowed to let myself in?" He popped the lid back on and handed it to her.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Wait outside like a normal person."

He lifted his head and Alice's eyes narrowed, half imagining she could see through the hood to whatever expression he bore. "You're serious."

"Uh, yeah. Just no breaking and ente-" Alice turned as the microwave beeped and jumped hard enough that she dropped the honey. Hood lunged to catch it, somehow not spilling the tea, and popped up again to set it on the counter.

"What was that?" he demanded, setting the mug on the counter next to the honey and crossing his arms.

"There was someone out the window," Alice replied, starting to move toward said window only for Hood to grab her shoulder and push her back as he strode by, briskly unlocking it and pushing it up. He looked out and groaned, loud and dramatic.

"What do you want, you dick?" he snapped, head turned toward something Alice couldn't see.

"Just checking on you," another voice answered with a snicker, and Alice rolled her eyes. She placed the teabag in her cup and walked over to the window, tapping a hand on Hood's back even though he probably heard her approaching.

"Who is it?" she asked.

"Don't come over," he scolded, pulling his head back inside. "It could be someone dangerous."

"Instead it's just some dick, apparently," Alice returned, "or I'm sure you'd have vaulted out the window like a crazy ballerina."

"The fuck?" Hood was probably staring at her. A face appeared in the window, but before she could look properly the face had turned into a torso, then an entire person, wearing a tight black outfit with bright blue lining. Alice stepped back, staring.

"That's Nightwing," she said as Nightwing rolled to his feet.

"Or Big Brother, if you want to go Orwell," Hood grumbled. "What're you doing here?"

"Oh, like you don't know," Nightwing replied, stretching his arms up even as he sent a charming smile at Alice. At least, it was probably supposed to be charming, but she was a little busy processing who he was.

She took a step back. Pointed at the tea boxes. Quickly walked over to them. She pulled out another mug and filled it, then started microwaving that even as she pressed her mug to her lips and steadily chugged the tea, hot water and lack of honey be damned. When she turned around again, Red Robin was sitting in the window. She got another mug and pulled out the only caffeinated tea she had for him; Clementine had, at some point, said he was supposed to be a coffee lover but Alice didn't have that.

Red Hood took his mug when Alice pushed it into his hands, as did Nightwing, who had gotten a normal peppermint. Nightwing looked at it with a baffled, amused expression and Alice went to collect Red Robin's mug, even though Red Robin was typing steadily on his arm pad. Alice made sure the microwave was heating water for her second cup as she delivered Red Robin's, who took it without looking, then sat up straighter and looked at it, at her, back at the mug, sniffed it suspiciously, looked at the tag, looked at Alice, looked at Hood and Nightwing, then shrugged and took a sip.

Alice returned to the microwave and got her tea, taking a careful sip of it so that she wouldn't burn her mouth again. She turned back to the heroes. In her apartment. (Technically it was Gotham University's apartment, but that was hardly the issue right now.)

"You," she said, pointing at Hood. "Talk."

"Wh-"

"Wait, no," Alice interrupted. "You." She pointed at Nightwing instead. He sipped his tea with a smirk. "Talk."

"I got a call from a concerned civilian," he said lightly.

"Technically, I picked up the call," Red Robin said. "Why did we all come in?"

"Yes, that question. That's a good question. Also, are more of you coming? Because I don't have any more mugs, and that one is technically for my ramen."

Red Robin looked at his sizable mug. "Ramen," he repeated slowly.

"Well, I had to meet you," Nightwing said brightly, and Hood muttered something that was drowned as he continued, "You're meeting some very high profile people, and you're absurdly clean! Nothing on your record at all; it's almost suspicious!" He laughed.

"I got suspended in third grade for getting in a fight. Isn't that on my record?" Alice asked.

He stopped and stared at her. Red Hood laughed loudly. Red Robin straightened, head cocked like an actual bird, and a moment later the other two had, too. In an instant, all three were gone and Alice's mugs were also gone. She stared at where they'd been, suddenly realizing that she'd missed the chance to get a voice recording. Well, if Red Hood was serious about being in the movie, she'd probably see them again.

She slowly closed the window, locking it without hesitation. She put away the tea and honey and picked up her phone, looking again at the window.

Alice (21:43)

So Nightwing and Red Robin came by and then all of them bailed at once. Also they took my mugs.

Clementine (21:44)

...what.

Alice (21:44)

Yeah. They took my mugs including my ramen one with the elephant on it.

Clementine (21:45)

Why did they have your mugs????

Alice (21:47)

I gave them tea.

Stop typing. I was trying to be polite.

Oh hey are you looking outside right now? What is that?

Clementine (21:52)

Bat-Watch says it's Scarecrow and Cold rn and they made some kinda fear-ice sculpture like that guy in that movie tried to make

Wait no it prob means Freeze not Cold

Isn't Cold one of Flash's guys?

Alice (21:54)

Yeah I think so. What movie?

Clementine (21:55)

IDK its got santa in it. We should watch it together if you haven't seen it

Alice (21:55)

Sure. See you at class tomorrow

Clementine (21:56)

See ya!

* * *

Clementine (05:13)

Yo yo yo check ur email the sculpture thing stepped on the arts building class is cancelled

Movie time!!!!

I'm coming over rn!

u better be awake

omigod ur not are you

k

time to break out the lock picking set

aw yis im in

imma totally divebomb you on your bed if you're asleep

last chance!

Alice (05:24)

motherfucker

Note to self: get better locks so people stop breaking into my apartment

Clementine (05:28)

<3

cmon Alice I was just joking

:p

I can see you reading this

btw drake's coming over so be nice to my bf

Alice (05:32)

WHY IS ANYONE AWAKE SO EARLY

* * *

Unknown (07:19)

Hey do you want your mugs back or can we keep them

Alice (07:20)

What?

My mugs?

Hood?

Unknown (07:23)

Red Robin actually 

So did you want them back or

Alice (07:23)

Yes I want them back!

Unknown (07:24)

Okay I'm at your window

* * *

It was definitely fun to hear Clementine and Drake scream when Red Robin came in through the window, returned the mugs, and left again, even though Alice's ears rang for the next hour.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bat-Watch is the system that Gotham-ites have set up so that they know to avoid areas or just know what's up. I don't know if something like that actually exists.


	5. Chapter 5

"Okay, okay, one more time," Clementine ordered, almost setting her mug down on her boyfriend's forehead before he gently steered her hand away.

Alice sighed, flipping through the flashcards. Alice's classes were still cancelled, but Alice would have been working on her script during them anyway, so not much had changed for her schedule. Clementine, on the other hand, had put off one of her cultural requirements and it was _not_ in the Arts building, so she was still taking that. And hating it. She had a test in two hours, so she had called Alice and Drake to help her study.

Alice picked a card and skimmed it, then handed it to Drake, who pushed his mop of blond curls from his face to read it where he was positioned sprawled across Clem's legs. "Fertile jungle," Alice said.

"Diversity," Drake added, inclining his head to check that Clem's eyes were still closed.

"Hidden cities," Alice hummed, lifting her pen to examine the approximate sketch of Nightwing. She wasn't overly skilled, but seeing as there were so few pictures of the heroes, it couldn't hurt to offer something to Mr. Wayne if he was truly going to supply costumes.

"Samurai," Drake read and grunted when Clementine smacked his stomach.

"Midgley!" she proclaimed. "Moral Isolationism!"

"We have a winner," Alice said, flipping over to her already drawn Red Robin and frowning at the mask. It was really similar to Nightwing's. She flipped back to Nightwing's page and made a note:  _maybe some blue on the mask, too? fits the theme_

"Whoo!" Clem cheered, and Drake put out one arm to keep himself from falling. "Oh, babe, it's almost time for your haircut."

Drake looked over at the clock hanging on the wall, a blinking cat that Alice knew from experience was always covered at night. "Oh, yeah." He rolled off of Clementine and hit the ground with a grunt before he popped to his feet.

Alice looked up from her rough outline of Red Hood. "You don't have to do it, you know," she said. "Nightwing can be blond."

Drake waved a hand, rolling his eyes. "We need to be accurate, Alice. Red Hood is Red Hood, Nightwing has black hair and is almost definitely dating Batgirl." He dipped to kiss Clementine, who beamed and wrapped an arm around his neck to keep him close as she kissed his cheeks, too. He grinned back at her and slipped away, pausing when a knock sounded. He opened the door, but no one was there.

Someone knocked again, then Red Hood's voice said, "Holy shit why do you both have a doggy door for a drone?"

"So that's how you got into my place," Alice realized, then frowned and stood, walking around the couch, and looked into the kitchen where Red Hood had his head and one arm through Clementine's drone's door. He glanced over and waved at her, then reached up and unlocked the window.

"I don't think arms are supposed to bend like that," Drake said.

"I think we need to lower the door," Alice replied. "Or raise the locks."

"What the fuck?" Clementine asked, and all three watched as Red Hood pulled his head back outside, pushed up the window, and slid in.

"I looked for you at your place but you weren't there," he said to Alice.

"Oh my god you're totally stalking her," Clementine breathed.

"Okay, I have to go, but let me know how this goes," Drake said, glancing again at the clock, then at Red Hood. He stared another moment and was gone.

Red Hood looked after him for a moment, then turned his hood back toward Alice. "So is that the guy who's playing Nightwing?"

"Yep," Alice confirmed. "This is still breaking and entering, you know. How did you even find Clem's place?"

The angle of his hood shifted and Alice had the distinctive feeling that she was getting a Look. "Replacement gave it to me. Which is also why I'm here, by the way. Two parts, actually. First of all." He pulled a flip phone out of apparently nowhere and tossed it at Alice, who only managed to catch it because Clementine also tried to grab it and knocked it right into Alice's hands. "It has our numbers on it. Use that to contact us."

"I can barely keep track of my own phone; you expect me to always know where this is?" Alice asked doubtfully, and Hood snorted.

"Second of all, we were running a background check on you, you know, the normal stuff, and I realized something. The demon kept calling you 'the Vertur girl', as in last name Vertur, but you introduced yourself as Elroy."

Alice cocked her head to the side, mouthing  _the demon_ to herself, but straightened at his unanswered question. "Oh, that? Vertur is my legal name but my dad-dad is Elroy. Was Elroy. I don't have any problem with my step-dad of course, he's great and he's been my dad longer than my dad-dad, but on formal documents I use Vertur and when I'm with friends or if it's something that doesn't matter I use Elroy. I'm not going to get it changed; it doesn't matter that much, but I try to keep a piece of him, especially when he's basically paying for my schooling."

"Child of an MIA veteran," Clementine explained when Hood made a puzzled noise. "It's one of the funds that's supported by Wayne Foundation, plus what the government gave her."

"Shouldn't you, like, know this?" Alice asked slowly. "Or at least have access to the information. It's not exactly private."

"It'll be checked out, I'm sure, but I didn't feel like reading the whole form on you."

Alice and Clementine both brightened. "They have a form on her? Can I read it?"

"Shouldn't it be up to me whether or not you can read it?" Alice countered, elbowing her friend. "Can  _I_ read it?"

Hood shrugged. "I'll find out for you. Later."

He stepped toward the window and Alice commented, "There's a perfectly good door, you know."

Hood snorted. "Doors are for chumps." He slid out without further comment and was gone again. Alice looked down at the phone he'd given her.

"We should send him memes," Clem murmured. "And pictures of animals stuck in doggy doors."

Alice snickered. " _Yes_ ," she declared.

* * *

Clementine (16:14)

[IMG. 9145]

Issa bear

Bear is stuck in teh door

yes

Alice (16:17)

OMG

* * *

Fido (16:19)

I gave you this for emergencies, you know

Alice (16:20)

:)

* * *

Mug Returner (16:23)

Oh, I like you.

* * *

Clementine leaned over Alice's shoulder, frowning contemplatively at the contact list. "Mug Returner seems kind of lame," she said slowly. "But I like Fido. If he's going to be using the dog door, he's asking for it."

"I thought about calling Red Robin Mug Thief, but he  _did_ return them," Alice sighed. "Mug Thief is still valid, right?"

"Sure! It's better than  _returner._ Aren't you a writer?"

Alice elbowed Clementine half-heartedly and changed the contact information. "Nightwing...how about Not-Drake?"

Clementine snickered. "Do it. And Hood called Robin a demon, right? Maybe we can make his info Lucy." When Alice shot her an inquisitive look, she clarified, "Diminutive Lucifer."

Alice changed the two accordingly, then studied Batman. "Probably shouldn't call him Bruce Wayne, right? If someone gets their hands on this it might cause trouble for Mr. Wayne."

Clem nodded, head tipped to the side. "Dracula? Get it, because he's a bat?"

Alice hummed. "I don't know. I almost want something normal, just because it's Batman. Let's make Batman normal. What was Dracula's real name? Like the origin guy."

Clem pulled out her phone, typing in the question. "Krory." She paused. "Wait, no. Krory is some guy from an anime. He's kind of cute, though. Look at him." Clem showed Alice the picture. "Maybe I should watch it to figure out who he is."

She focused entirely on her phone again, lips pressed together as she scrolled. Alice rolled her eyes and turned back to the phone, searching her mind for a generic name. "John is too lame...maybe Tim or Tom?"

"Todd," Clem suggested. "Or Clark."

"Clark Todd?" Alice offered. "Todd Clark?"

"Clark Todd, definitely."

Alice changed the contact. "Do you think these are actually their numbers?" she asked, studying the modified list.

"Sure. Hood seemed to mean it. We could always do a test call. Plus two of them have already sent you a message, so if it isn't really them then it's someone who we should have as the actor." Clem tucked her phone into her pocket. "Want to head out now? We might be able to catch the commissioner."

Alice glanced up, checking the time, and stood. "Yeah, let's go. Grab an umbrella, too, would you?"

Clementine mock-saluted and jogged away. Alice checked that the dog door was unlocked in case it really did rain and Clementine's drone got scared; it was mapping the Gotham area for one of her projects. Alice met Clem at the door, tugging her shoes on without untying them.

"Has Drake sent you a picture of his new look?" she asked.

"Nope, but I texted him and he'll meet us at the office." Clem swung the umbrella in a wide arc as she put on her jacket and Alice had to duck so it didn't hit her.

"Think the black hair is going to look good on him?"

Clementine batted her eyelashes. "Darling, this is my babe we're talking about. He put on that sexy bunny outfit for me. He looks good in anything."

Alice processed the extent of the answer, then straightened and stared at the door. "I," she said slowly, "did not need to know that. Thank you, Clementine, for that horrible mental image."

"For sure, Alice! He's my babe, you know!"

"So you said." They strode from the apartment side by side and kept a brisk pace as they walked, perfectly familiar with the route to the police station by now. They hadn't been able to catch Gordon quite yet, but there had been a few officers who let them in to take pictures of the different offices, just in case they never could get to the commissioner's. He always locked his office when he left, and a real schedule was apparently useless.

"Maybe we could ask Hood to get us in," Clementine said thoughtfully.

"He could probably break in," Alice agreed with a laugh.

As they neared the station, someone that was probably Drake but was quite possibly not when he was usually most recognizable from a far by his curls, stood and waved at them. Clementine whistled under her breath and sped up, almost at a full run when she plowed into her boyfriend. He laughed and lifted her from the ground, spinning her once before they dipped into a dramatic kiss. Alice laughed again when she caught up with them.

"It's only been a few hours," she teased.

"I know! It's been  _hours_!" Drake said, bumping his fist to Alice's in greeting. "What do you think? Nightwing worthy?"

Clem reached out and ruffled his hair, grinning. "You're passable."

"You haven't met him," he pointed out.

"You look like Richard," Alice commented. "You could be twins. Freaky."

Clementine stepped back and studied him. "Damn. He does."

"I'm going to take that as a compliment. Richard is a very handsome man."

"Very handsome," Clem agreed.

"Very," Alice echoed, unable to resist laughing at Drake's pout.

"Can I help you three?" asked a new voice, and all three turned to see Gordon himself, standing at the top of the steps and watching them with an amused expression. "I was told that there were some people looking to meet me."

Alice stepped forward, holding her hand out. "That would be us," she confirmed. "I'm Alice, that's Clementine, and that's Drake." They both waved at their names and Gordon's gaze lingered on Drake. "We're making a movie about Batman and we're going to start filming soon, but we were hoping to get pictures of your office."

"My office?" he repeated, one eyebrow raised.

"Please. You're Batman's number one contact," Clementine said, eyes bright. "We'd be in and out. Promise."

Gordon looked them over again, then chuckled. "Alright, alright. Come on, then. Maybe you can figure out how the Bat always vanishes when I look away."

Drake brightened immediately at the idea and he was the first to leap up the steps after Gordon. Clementine followed him and as Alice moved after her, a flicker of motion caught her eye. She turned in place, then remembered that she was in Gotham and looked up. A blatantly red hood stood out on a rooftop. She waved, then followed the others inside.

They were already in Gordon's office when Alice caught up, and at Clementine's questioning look Alice said, "Just my stalker."

Clem and Drake both nodded and continued making their way around the office, snapping pictures on their phones, but Gordon turned a concerned eye on Alice. "Stalker?" he repeated.

"It's what we're calling Red Hood. Don't worry. He's not actually dangerous, I don't think."

Gordon frowned. "Hood is probably the most dangerous member of that group."

Alice shrugged, grinning. "He also got upset when I offered his part to someone else, so I don't think that I've got much to worry about."

"Red Hood is in your movie?"

"Of course," Alice replied with a laugh. "He's part of the bat family, isn't he?"

Gordon's frown deepened and he didn't answer. That was interesting, but it made sense that he wouldn't like Hood after all the decapitation incidents. Gordon's frown abruptly vanished, morphing into utter bewilderment, and Alice turned to see Drake strolling into the office.

Drake raised one hand in a wave. "I figured out a way to get out," he said in explanation. "Did you know the fire escape is really sturdy? And super clean? Check it out." He strode over to the open window and Alice eagerly followed, watching as he swung himself out the window like Red Hood and grabbed onto one of the railings, twisting so that he was on the outside of the stairs. He dropped smoothly to the ground, never touching the metal of the staircase that would have made noise. "Ta da!" he called back up. "It's probably not how Batman does it, because he's, you know, Batman, and he can probably just vault off of the pole and get to a window, then up onto the roof, but I don't have the gear for that." He reached up again and grabbed the railing, swinging himself onto it and jogging up the stairs, which only made noise when his feet touched them and didn't creak in the slightest.

"Sturdy, see?" He jumped once, then again, that time slamming his feet onto the metal with the bang. "You could probably have the Bat, Robin, and both Reds hanging on this thing and it wouldn't go down."

"It's only department standards," Gordon pointed out, and in answer Drake pointed at the rusted fire escape on the building across the street. "Fair," Gordon muttered, and stepped back to let Drake in again.

"I got a few pictures of that," Drake said, stretching his arms over his head. "It's not like we'll ask Richard to fling himself off of some paper mache staircase, but it's good to have. This was the last part we need for the set pieces, right, Alice?"

"Right," she confirmed brightly. "You both have Don's contact information, right?"

"Already sent 'im the pictures," Clementine confirmed, while Drake nodded.

"You have a lot of people in on this," Gordon commented.

"Course we do," Drake said with a laugh. "People love the Bat and the Birds. And the Bucket Head. Alice isn't the first person to start this kind of thing, but she's actually doing what it takes to get it going. We've actually gotten a few sponsors out of people who've been saved by it. Sure, it's her final project, but Gotham and her people are helping us make it more."

Gordon looked between them. "I can see that," he said. "I expect to get a copy?"

"For sure! We're going to post it online, too, probably," Clementine said. "We'll hook you up."

 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

Alice stopped in her doorway and studied the relative darkness, eyes narrowed at the abrupt silence that almost certainly hadn't been there when she had gotten to the door. "If I turn on the lights, will anyone be blinded?"

There was a pause, then Red Hood said, "No one has night vision on anymore."

Alice nodded and flicked the light on. She immediately dropped her bag. "Oh my god."

"Yo," Red Hood said, but the voice did not come from under the red bucket-thing. Instead, it came from the depths of a red hoodie. There was almost definitely a joke in there somewhere, just like there were plenty of things to be said about the fact that he was eating macaroni and cheese out of her pot. Oddly enough, though, this new development was not what had Alice frozen. Red Robin, who was sitting in the window with his feet propped above his head and a laptop on his stomach, also didn't do it. Nor did Nightwing, who was trying to get the pot out of Hood's hands.

No. They had, somehow, become normal. Black Bat sitting on the table and staring back at Alice? Not normal. Batgirl sitting like a normal person in a chair, smiling politely as she waved at Alice, was not normal.

"Do you need to sit down?" Batgirl asked, pulling out a chair.

Slowly, Alice sat down. She looked over at Red Robin, then at Nightwing and Red Hood. She pointed at Hood. "You'd better replace that."

"Yes ma'am." He dodged another grab from Nightwing and shoveled a scoop of macaroni and cheese into the depth of the hood where there was presumably also a mouth and not just his helmet.

Alice looked back at Black Bat, who did not have the full-face cowl that Alice had heard so much about. Instead, her hair hung into her face and framed her eyes, which were covered by a mask that pointed sharply at both edges like Huntress's mask. Black Bat was still staring at her. Alice looked instead at Batgirl, who smiled warmly.

"What are you doing here? Your parts are already taken," she said, which was probably not the most polite thing to say. Red Hood added to that realization by laughing, then choking on his food and coughing madly. Nightwing yanked the pot out of his hands and put it on the table, then smacked him on the back.

"We're not here for that," Batgirl said. "We wanted to add our numbers, and we thought it would be nice to meet you in person."

Alice stared at her. Maybe she was actually imagining all of this. She gave the phone to Batgirl and only realized her mistake when the woman curiously said, "Mug Thief?"

Red Robin's head snapped over to them and he shouted, "I brought them back!"

"I figured I shouldn't have the actual names," Alice replied hesitantly. "You know, if the phone gets stolen or I lose it or something."

"Not-Drake," Batgirl said, covering her mouth with one hand, which did nothing to hide her smile. "Who's that?"

"Nightwing," Alice sighed, crossing her arms. "Drake is playing Nightwing."

"Clark Todd, is that Hood?" Red Hood made a strangled noise at the question and for a moment the whole room seemed to go still.

"What? No, it's Batman." Alice glanced around, unnerved, but whatever had just happened was apparently over. "Clem and I were trying to come up with basic names and we couldn't remember the real name of Dracula. Hood is Fido."

Red Robin muttered something that Alice didn't catch over the noise that Hood made. The noise was followed by a veritable  _screech_ of, " _Fido_?" as he launched himself off of the counter to stare at the name. "What the fuck, Playwright?"

Alice faltered, startled by the address, then said, "Hey, if you're going to be entering through the dog door, I might as well pick a dog's name."

"What about, like, Cerberus? That's cool!"

"You think you're cool?" Alice asked, and the room stilled again. Before she could backpedal, Red Robin slid out of the window cackling. Alice glanced at him, suddenly wondering if they were related. Maybe the Reds just laughed alike.

"That just leaves Robin," Batgirl said, still smiling. "I assume that's Lucy? As in Lucifer?"

Nightwing gasped, a dramatically offended sound, and Alice pointed at Red Hood. Red Hood also gasped, managing to make his sound betrayed. He also grabbed the pot of macaroni and cheese again. Batgirl chuckled and typed into the phone, then tossed it to Black Bat.

Alice sat back, taking a moment to think about her position again. "Can I ask," she began, watching Red Hood climb onto the refrigerator to escape Nightwing, which led to Nightwing also climbing on top of it and forcing Red Hood to launch himself away. "Are you all related, somehow?"

"How do you think so?" Batgirl asked, tone amused.

Alice surveyed the group again. "The Reds and Nightwing are brothers," she said, "and Robin is Nightwing's son? That leaves out you two, though. Are you Robin's sister?" Alice looked at Black Bat, who blinked silently back and handed her the phone.

"Well," Batgirl said slowly. "You're not wrong, exactly. But you're also wrong." That said, she grinned like a cat. Nightwing, hanging over Hood, also grinned, but if Batgirl was a cat he was a overly excited dog. Maybe he should be Fido, but then who would Hood be? Not-Jason?

"Oh," Alice realized, looking over at Hood. "Turns out that you didn't need to break in to get your part anyway. Jason never messaged me."

"He didn't?" Nightwing gasped.

"How rude," Red Robin murmured, breathing out through his nose in a laugh.

"He should have," Batgirl said, tone disapproving. "You seem very nice."

Black Bat nodded, staring intensely at Red Hood, who squirmed away from Nightwing and showed both middle fingers to the room. Alice took in their variety of reactions in a peculiar sort of bewilderment that had inevitably become acceptance of the situation.

She looked briefly at Batgirl, then asked, "Am I missing something? I get that he's stalking me-"

"I'm not stalking you!"

"-but the rest of you I've only met once. Not counting when you stole my mugs."

"I brought them back!"

"You also asked if you could keep them. Including my  _ramen_ mug; why would you want that in the first place?"

Red Robin crossed his arms, lips turning down in a pout. "It can hold a lot."

"You're  _Red Robin_. Go to a Red Robin and they'll give you a giant mug. They have them."

Red Hood and Nightwing made a simultaneous noise of smothered laughter and Red Robin's pout deepened.

"How did you find out about them?" Nightwing asked, giggles punctuating the question.

"Lily has one," Alice replied, grinning despite herself. Red Robin was pouting  _and_ glaring, arms crossed. When he caught Alice looking at him, he pointedly turned his head in the other direction.

"And who, pray tell, is Lily?" Red Hood asked, glee filling his voice. Oh, so he hadn't told the others about their casting. Alice almost wished that she'd been able to find a girl who wanted to play him.

"Lily is a big fan of yours," Alice said instead, facing Red Robin. "She's playing you in my film. If I borrowed her mug, would you sign it?"

Red Robin was silent for a long moment. Then he muttered, "Yeah. Sure." He cocked his head to the side. "We've got to go," he said, already out the window, and Hood groaned, but headed for the window after him.

Alice and Nightwing moved at the same time, both grabbing one of his arms.

"Leave the pot," Nightwing said.

"I'll put the food in a container for you, but you're washing it, not me," Alice added.

"What?" Hood protested. "I'm not doing your dishes!"

Alice frowned at him, taking a single step away so she wouldn't be tempted to look under his hood. "You made it, you wash it," she pointed out. "Especially when you didn't share."

"I, what, you weren't here! How was I supposed to share?"

"You didn't share with any of them, either. Nightwing," Alice paused, realizing again that she was casually addressing a superhero, "weren't you trying to have some?"

"Uh," Nighwing replied helpfully, so Alice decided to ignore him and look pointedly at Hood instead.

"I'll put it in a container," she repeated. "You have to wash it and the fork you used. Which, by the way, you better not have scratched the pan with. I only have the one right now." Briefly, Alice considered the alternative to purchasing another, but discarded the idea. It wouldn't be a good quality unless she had the right material.

Red Hood groaned, but turned and marched over to the sink. Alice followed him, stooping to pull out a little glass container. "I'll bring that back, too," he said, watching as she transferred the macaroni and cheese.

"Sounds good. I assume you'll break in that time, too?"

"It's not breaking in if you don't lock the door!" Red Hood scrubbed the pot furiously, apparently uncaring about the newly saturated and probably cheesy state of his gloves.

"It's a dog door for a drone that gets scared if it thunderstorms. I'm not locking it. You shouldn't be able to get in. I swear, you're almost as flexible as Drake."

"That the guy doing flips off of the commissioner's escape?" Nightwing asked, and Alice raised the stalker count by one.

"Yeah. He's playing you, by the way. What did you think when you saw him?"

Nightwing inclined his head, then nodded. "He'll do."

"Great!" Alice replied brightly.

Hood set the pot on the drying rack and flicked his hands like they would dry just with that. "There. Happy?"

"You're free to go." Alice swept a bow, waving her hand at the window. When she straightened, they were both gone. She turned, and Batgirl and Black Bat were also gone. Alice shrugged and closed the window behind them, absently checking that the door hadn't been damaged by Hood. She stood there for a moment, thinking. "I'm involved now," she said aloud. "I have to start practicing again."

She turned and grabbed her phones from the table, using her normal phone to call Clementine.

"Yo," Clem answered.

"You won't believe what just happened," Alice replied, grinning as she strode to her room, already planning what she'd need.

* * *

Clementine sat next to Alice, taking a slow sip of her iced coffee. She looked at the sketchbook on the table in front of Alice, the page almost filled with small drawings of three dimensional boxes and pyramids and spheres.

"You're really going to do it?" she asked.

Alice didn't look at her, eyes fixed on a small cube. "Last night I made some soldiers, too," she said. "I had to do a few test runs, but I still have that book with origami samurai."

"What'd you use?"

"Paper, mostly, but a few were wood or metal. I need to restock, but I'll make you and Drake some, too. Just in case."

"We don't need any," Clementine said quickly, her eyes wide.

"Hood came to your house," Alice replied steadily. She drew back and studied the geometric shapes, then flipped to another page and started on the basic outline of a wooden mannequin, the kind that could be positioned as a reference for different positions. "If anyone noticed, if anyone  _bad_ found out, you could be a target. We're in Gotham, Clem. This isn't a good place to have a mark on your back."

Clementine frowned, crossing her arms. "Yeah," she sighed. "I know." She paused, watching, then asked, "Why're you drawing that, anyway? It's not like you can draw people."

"Maybe, but if I draw this as a background and then what I want in the foreground, I can practice."

They fell silent as the professor strode in, but as soon as he started talking Clem said, "I can't believe how fast they rebuilt. You'd think they'd at least make everything more sturdy."

"You'd think," Alice agreed with a grin. "Ten bucks say that it'll be wrecked again in two weeks."

"I say one week," Clementine replied.

Drake leaned forward, sliding between them to say, "If it's exactly in the middle, I win."

They all shook hands. Alice returned to drawing flowers in front of the makeshift mannequin. Clementine idly took notes. Drake, sitting behind them since he'd been kicked out of their row for saying the mangos were better than apples, had the barely audible music on his phone that informed anyone who knew him that he was watching a gymnastics tournament.

At the end of class, Alice returned her sketchbook to her bag and scooped up the collection of flowers that had been produced. "Want to scatter flowers around campus?"

Drake and Clem looked at each other, then shrugged and reached out to take some for themselves. When they left, Alice waved in a random direction, figuring that there was a high chance that some Bat-Member was around, then followed the others in their quest to flower bomb the campus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: the first Red Robin was actually called Sam's Tavern, in 1940. The first appearance of Red Robin aka Tim Drake was in 1989.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't said it sooner, but I would like to thank you all for the awesome feedback! I really appreciate the responses I've gotten from you guys; they mean a lot to me and they motivate me to keep writing this!

Unknown (13:14)

hey i figured i should prob touch base with you about this whole thing

Alice pulled out her phones when it buzzed and then paused, frowning at the message. She reached out blindly and poked Clementine, who was handing out another paper flower. They'd ended up opting not to actually toss them everywhere like litter, instead handing them out to people who looked particularly stressed or like they needed something to make them smile. Drake had produced a packet of crayons and was adding designs to some of them while they relaxed on one of the benches, soaking in the rare instance of sun.

"Who is it?" Clem asked after reading the message.

"I don't know. I haven't handed out my number recently. I'll need to contact Mr. Wayne about when Damien is available, though. We'll have everything ready by next week, so don't let me forget," she added to Drake, who had two crayons in his mouth like a walrus when he lifted his head. Alice cleared her throat roughly to avoid laughing and looked away.

"Hm." Clem tapped her finger to her lips. "Gimme." She made grabby hands.

Alice traded the phone for a flower and trotted over to a tired looking brunette, whose face cycled from hostile to surprised to pleased when Alice offered her the flower. She took it delicately and moved on in the brisk way of someone with a class across campus, but Alice returned to Clementine feeling properly helpful.

"What're you saying?" Alice asked, but Clem moved her phone away when she tried to look.

"Just finding out who he is," she said, tone too sweet to be truly innocent. Alice looked to Drake for help, but still had the crayons in his mouth and was trying to balance one on his nose. Vaguely, Alice remembered when he had seemed like a normal person. So normal that Alice had said that maybe Clem shouldn't date him.

Good thing Clem didn't listen to anyone.

Resolving to pull a significantly less dangerous Nightwing, Alice climbed onto the bench, then onto the back of the bench when Clem tried to hide the phone again. She set her hands on Clementine's shoulders and strained to see, but a moment later Clem elbowed her and she toppled to the ground. Alice sat up quickly, grimacing at the new scrapes on her hands from catching herself, but just resolved to wash her hands later. Gotham streets. Ew.

"I saw a word that I definitely misunderstood," she said, and Clem froze.

"What? No!" Clementine paused. Drake was watching with an air that suggested he knew something, even though he was still sitting on the ground with crayons in his mouth an paper flowers in his hair. "I mean, yes. You misunderstood."

"Right," Alice agreed, popping to her feet. " _Date_ definitely doesn't mean what I think it does."

Alice's phone buzzed in Clementine's hand and Alice lunged, grabbing for it. Clem pitched it to the side and Drake's hand lashed out to catch it.

"Drake," Alice threatened, eyes narrowed ominously.

Drake hesitated, looking between them, then let the crayons fall from his mouth. He passed the phone to Alice. Clementine groaned dramatically.

Alice (13:16)

Is this the hottie with the body worth a date or two?

Unknown (13:19)

uh no

this is jason

and i think this is clementine

"What the fuck, Clementine?" Alice demanded. "What if this had been Bruce Wayne? What if he'd taken that long to respond?"

"I wouldn't have done it if we were still waiting for his reply," Clementine replied with an unspoken  _duh_.

"Who was it?" Drake asked, rolling to his knees, then to his feet to look over Alice's shoulder. "Hottie with the body? Really?"

"I was pressed for time!" Clem protested. "Alice is the writer."

"Doesn't sound like it when you say something like that," Alice grumbled, grabbing a crayon from Drake's  _hair_ , of all places, and throwing it at Clem. It hit her precisely in the forehead and she squawked indignantly.

Unknown (13:20)

is this a bad time?

Alice (13:20)

Not at all! I'm very sorry about that!

Unknown (13:21)

sure thing

so about the whole red hood gig

Alice waited, but he didn't say anything more. Clementine was temporarily removed from her duties as best friend, so Alice turned to Drake. "What should I say? You're fired from a position that you never had that you technically can't be fired from anyway because you wouldn't have been paid?"

Drake shrugged. "Maybe say it more nicely."

Alice sighed, well aware that Clementine would need her job returned.

Alice (13:22)

I'm sorry if you were interested. Someone else came along that we felt fit the role better and he seemed willing; I wasn't sure if you wanted it.

Jason (13:23)

nah its fine i was gonna refuse anyway

"Ouch," Drake muttered.

Alice (13:23)

Great! I'm glad it was all able to work itself out!

"You're not upset?" Drake questioned.

"Drake, I have Red Hood as Red Hood. You think I'm going to be hurt that a fairly cute, mostly suitable, but still  _uninterested_ guy says no?"

"The uninterested is the key part there," Clementine said slowly, "but I'm a big fan of the  _fairly cute_ bit, too."

Alice looked over at her. "Am I wrong? He's my type. We've gone over this kind of thing before."

"Oh, definitely not! But you saying someo-" Clementine stopped. She pressed a hand to her mouth, her eyes wide. "Oh my god."

Drake and Alice looked at each other. "Did I break her?" Alice murmured.

Before Drake could answer, Clementine squealed, "You have a crush!"

"Oh," Drake whispered, his face splitting in a grin.

"You've lost me," Alice admitted.

Clementine hopped in place, clapping her hands together. "You have a crush," her voice dropped to a whisper, "on Red Hood."

"Never mind.  _Now_ you've lost me."

"You totally do," Drake said.

"Cite your sources please," Alice said, quoting the Writing professor they'd had the year they met, bonding over their mutual hatred of her. Anytime someone said anything that even slightly contradicted her, she would order them to give her proof. Admittedly, she had taught them the most about citation and proper methods of it, but even on ratemyprofessor her rating was horrible.

"Okay, first point," Clementine said, leaning toward Alice. "He's welcome in your house. You don't even get stressed about it."

"He is not the worst thing that could be consistently breaking and entering," Alice replied slowly, nodding.

"I'm betting you made sure your samurai wouldn't attack him when he inevitably breaks in," Drake added.

"Well, duh. It's not a secret, but I'm not going to advertise it, especially when there are so few of us in Gotham. And besides, I did that for you guys, too. I did it for the _drone_. What makes this any different from having a sort of annoying pet? It's not like I can see his face."

Drake and Clementine looked at each other, then at Alice. Clementine put her hands on Alice's shoulders. "Okay. Picture Jason."

"Kay."

"Now, picture Jason as Red Hood."

Hastily, Drake added, "Not for the movie. Like Jason is  _actually_ Red Hood."

Alice's lips pressed together, her eyes narrowed as she looked into the distance. After a moment, she inhaled deeply. "Oh. Oh, no." She stepped back, out of Clementine's grasp. "Okay. Let's look at this rationally. Red Hood could look like anyone."

"He definitely acts like your type, though," Clementine chimed in.

Alice pulled out her other phone. "Okay. Hold this thought because I need to check one more thing before I actually accept this, and if I'm going to accept it, we need to determine how fucked up it is."

"What thing?" Clementine asked, head cocked to the side.

"Age."

Drake winced. "Shit, yeah, that's an issue."

Alice (13:32)

Hey how old are you?

Fido (13:32)

Uh

Well, I've been alive for about twenty or so years.

"Okay, he's twenty...ish. Potential distress averted," Drake said. "What's with the 'uh' though?

Clementine peeked at the message. "Yeah. He's 'been alive' for that long? How long was he dead?"

"Knowing the world we live in, I'm not even going to ask," Alice responded decisively, typing out a quick thanks before she returned the phone to her pocket. She took a deep breath, then let it out again. "Okay. Now.  _What the fuck_? This is so unrealistic! I shouldn't even _be_  kind-of-sort-of friends with a superhero! That's just asking to get abducted, and I do  _not_ want to be Lois Lane, thank you very much!"

"You're cooler than Lois Lane," Drake said.

"Plus you can totally catch kidnappers off guard if you have the right stuff."

"Hypothetically, just checking you guys know, who is Lois Lane?"

They looked at Drake. He held up his hands in defensive surrender. "Almost definitely Superman's girlfriend," Alice said.

"Assuming that the rumors about him dating Batman aren't true," Clementine added.

 Drake nodded slowly, mouthing  _Lois Lane_ with a puzzled expression.

"But look," Clementine said, waving off her boyfriend. "You're strong enough not to be a damsel, you're resourceful, hell, even if Hood hadn't swept in that time you probably would have figured something out and wiped the floor with those creeps. You're not exactly powerless, Al. So that's one problem out of the way."

"Please never call me Al again." Alice dropped onto the bench, staring at the pile of Drake's crayons. "Why can't I just be normal and like normal guys and not guys who have funny hair and nice laughs and decapitation?"

Clementine patted Alice's shoulder, shoulders trembling even though her face was straight. "You're just a tiny bit homicidal at heart, and you want the people who are mostly homicidal to balance you out."

Alice buried her face in her hands and groaned.

* * *

"Yo," Hood said as she entered, wearing a hoodie again, sitting on the counter again. He held up a box of macaroni and cheese, looking extremely smug despite his face being hidden in the depths of the hood.

Alice looked at him. She looked at the tiny Robin scowling at her a few steps inside. She looked at the window, where sunlight was still sneaking through the clouds. She looked back at Red Hood. "Nope."

She turned and walked out again, already reaching for her phone. Clementine wouldn't mind a sleepover.

* * *

"Rude," Robin said a moment after she was gone.

"You probably scared her," Jason replied dismissively, though he did frown at the door for a moment. He set down the box and turned on his earpiece. "Dick, she's being weird."

A moment passed, then Batman's 'working' voice asked, "Who?"

Jason fumbled, hastily adjusting the channel. Stupid open groups. Dick's private channel was easy to find; he just had to get to the one that was cackling in a voice deeper than Replacement's. He glanced to the side and took not again of the paper samurai settled by the sink, its face set it a scowl that was pointed at him. He scowled back at it and flicked it with one finger, knocking it over.

"Define being weird," Dick said after a moment. The little demon was still glaring at the door.

"She just came in and noped out again," Jason replied.

"Maybe she's tired of you breaking in."

"Oi!"

"Father, the Vertur girl is impolite and crass," the demon snapped. "She is an excellent match for Todd and I do not know what you see in her!"

"Hey!" Jason brought one hand down on the counter, then jerked it up when something sliced through his palm. "What the hell?" he muttered, looking first at the red line beading in his skin, then at the counter. He'd put his hand right on the origami samurai's sword, judging by its crumbled state. He swiped the blood away with his other thumb and picked up the samurai. "What's this thing made of?" He absently straightened the sword, but no matter how he looked at it, it was normal red paper.

Damien glanced over. "It's paper, Todd. Apparently even I misjudged your stupidity."

Jason pitched the samurai at Damien sword first and Damien smacked it out of the air. Or he tried to, but instead the sword managed to get stuck in his glove. Damien scowled and yanked it out again. It crumpled in his hand and he dropped it, arms crossing.

"If I will not be meeting the girl you all have become so interested in, I will be leaving," he announced to the room, then stormed to the window and climbed out, leaping away.

Jason rolled his eyes and hopped from the counter, picking up the samurai. He tugged absently at the folds and was pleased when its form returned to almost normal. The sword was a little crumpled and the pronged helmet was askew, but it was close enough. He set it back on the counter.

"Watch the house until she gets back," he told it sternly, then snickered and turned away.

Paper rustled.

Jason swiveled, but the samurai hadn't moved. He stared at it for another moment, then shrugged and strolled to the window. He had turned away green samurai away from the window when he'd first climbed in, so Jason returned it to its former position as he left. They were cool little things. He'd have to ask Alice how she made them.

 


	8. Chapter 8

"You know he's going to realize you're avoiding him, right?" Clementine took a slow sip of her iced coffee, the flashcards spread on the table. "You can't keep staying at my place, either. He knows where I live."

"He hasn't come by," Alice pointed out, snapping a picture of her drawings of the hero's costumes to send to Bruce Wayne.

"That's probably because the crime rate skyrockets around Halloween, which, fuck, is in six days. I don't want to have class on Halloween! That's just asking for, like,  _Joker_ to show up."

"He's in Arkham right now, though, isn't he?" Alice shuffled the cards around and flipped them at random. "Bat Watch hasn't said anything, at least."

"Of course it hasn't. They never talk about breakouts unless  _everyone_ breaks out." Clementine focused on the cards, her eyes narrowed as she scanned them. "Okay, uh, Marquis...is pro-choice. Talks about personhood." She picked up the card and flipped it over. "Shit." She glowered at the card. "Then who am I thinking of?" She grabbed the cards and started rifling through them.

"Alright, I've sent the pictures to Mr. Wayne, and asked him when Damien's schedule would be best for filming."

"Am I missing a card? I'm missing a card." Clementine scooted out of her seat and started rummaging through her backpack. "I think you should talk to Hood," she said. "At the very least say you hope he doesn't, like, get killed."

Alice sighed, pulling out the phone and frowning at it. "I don't know, Clem. I don't like..." Alice rubbed her forehead, trying to find the words. "You know how I feel about this kind of thing. Why I avoid it."

"Do you think it will go anywhere?" Clementine sat back to look at Alice. "For all you know, it could be some sort of 'oh no he's hot' combined with hero worship. Okay, maybe you're not the hero worship type, but it's different to see a hero and to have the hero save you. And then show up at your house. And give you a phone. And keep showing up at your house."

She ducked her head to rummage in her bag again, humming to herself. "I know it's in here somewhere..."

Alice studied the phone in her hands. "Check the side pockets, too," she said absently.

Alice (10:11)

Hi

Hope you don't die over Halloween.

"Okay. I sent him a message."

"What'd you say?" Clementine lifted her head and smacked it against the table, making her yip and duck again, rubbing the sore spot with a pout.

"Hi, hope you don't die over Halloween," Alice read.

Clementine lifted her head properly, setting her chin on the table to stare at Alice. "When I said that you should say that, I wasn't serious," she said.

"How was I supposed to know that?"

"Because you don't tell people that you hope they don't die!"

"You do in Gotham!"

The bell over the door rang, which, ordinarily, was inaudible. When the entire building was silent for the moment it took for the ring to stop, though, it attracted attention. Alice and Clementine both looked at the door. The man in the purple and green suit beamed back at the cafe's occupants, twirling his cane by the curved hook.

"Hello, Gothamites!" he said happily. For once, he was not in the question mark covered outfit that Alice was most familiar with. His tie had a question mark on it, as did his hat, but aside from the signature question shaped cane, that was all.  The two goons behind him  _were_ covered in question marks, but Alice decided to avoid looking at them when they were in skin tight outfits and definitely not pulling it off as well as Nightwing or Red Robin. Riddler looked around the room and tutted. "When someone says hello, you're supposed to greet them back!" he scolded.

And then he pulled a gun. It was shaped oddly, probably like a question mark to fit his theme, but it was a definite level of escalation that wasn't quite deserved, but, hey, it was Gotham. "Now, say hello!"

Alice and Clementine looked at each other. When the rest of the room uttered the ordered word, their mouths moved along with it, and Clementine's gaze dropped to the phone still open in Alice's hand. Alice nodded, carefully tapping the button to attach a picture to the message. Riddler surveyed the other side of the room. Alice adjusted the phone for an appropriate angle and let it take a photo. She quickly withdrew the phone and hit send.

Clementine, back in her chair, squeaked, and Alice looked up to see Riddler beaming at them. Damn.

"Naught, naughty," he said, tutting even as he grinned. "Taking pictures? That's not allowed."

And Alice, in what apparently was her fallback, asked, "Do you want to be in a movie?"

Clementine squeaked again, but that time it had an indignant note that probably had to do with the time she'd tried to get Poison Ivy's number and Alice and Drake sat on her until Ivy was out of sight.

Riddler chortled. "A movie? Why, I'm the star of my own show!"

"But you're not in a movie, and it never hurts to have a few more to the cast. Why do you think I was sending the picture? You'd make a great Riddler. Are you a cosplayer?"

Riddler's smile faltered and he blinked rapidly.

"I mean, the gun is a little much," Alice babbled, watching Clementine's hand rise toward one ear out of the corner of her eye, "but it never hurts to throw in an extra dash of style; maybe the Riddler is a gun guy! Who needs some old cane? Want to take a look at my script? I have one around here somewhere. Don't mind the flashcards, we have class soon. We're students, see, at GU." Alice grabbed the pen on the table, trying to keep track of what she was doing. What was she doing, again? "Here, I can give you my contact information, and if you're interested in having a part in the movie you can send me a message, or a call, either is fine." She held out a hand expectantly.

One of the goons was looking doubtfully at the other. The other had a face that suggested his brain was hurting. Riddler, too, looked baffled.

"You're a funny one," he said after a moment, his smile sharp. "Here, I'll be in your show, if! You can answer a riddle."

"Of course!" Alice said. "You'd have to be able to come up with some good riddles to act as the Riddler."

Clementine's hand was a loose fist on the table, metal shining between her fingers.

"Of course," Riddler replied, silky smooth, the gun hanging at his side. "Now. Why...is an orange, like a bell?"

"They both have the letter E," Alice replied immediately, even though that was most definitely not the right answer.

"And they can both be peeled," Clementine added, which probably was the right answer.

"Which makes an interesting point," Alice continued off of Clem's statement, "because pealed and peeled have a difference of one E."

In the following beat of silence, Clem said, "She's a Ravenclaw."

Then, in excellent timing, Nightwing flipped through the window, bounced up, and kicked Riddler in the head. Riddler went down, dropping both his gun and his cane. Clementine had started a low sound as soon as Nightwing entered, but when he turned and winked at them, she made a shrill, delighted sound. Red Hood dropped from the ceiling, apparently out of nowhere because the ceiling had no windows and was flat, and landed on top of one of the goons, and Nightwing downed the other with another foot to the face.

Both heroes turned to them, Nightwing grinning in a Joker-esque fashion and Hood unreadable. "Are you hurt, civilians?" Nightwing asked, and Clementine made another gleeful noise and nodded.

"Where did you come from?" Alice asked Red Hood, looking again at the ceiling.

"Back door."

"How normal." She collected the flashcards and settled them into a proper stack.

"Better than flippy McGuinness."

"Sound byte!" Clementine shrieked, and Alice and Hood both turned to see that she had thrust her phone into Nightwing's face. "If Alice keeps forgetting, I'll get it now!"

"I take back everything I said about you being forceful," Hood muttered to Alice.

"I don't think you've said anything."

"Not to your face."

She stepped on his foot and looked away when he jolted and swiveled toward her. "Clem, don't forget to put your earring back together when you go to class."

Clementine grabbed the tiny metal samurai from the table, easily clipping it to her earring with one hand. She didn't take her eyes off of Nightwing, whose shoulders were trembling visibly.

"Thank you for the help, gentlemen," said a voice behind them, but when Alice looked she had no idea who it was. Maybe the manager?

"Oh fuck!" Clementine suddenly shouted, which Alice took to mean she'd finally noticed the time. Alice handed her the flashcards and Clementine tripped her way out of the chair, grabbed her bag, and bolted.

Red Hood and Nightwing looked at Alice.

"She has class." Alice picked up her own bag, climbing to her feet. "I'm making spaghetti tonight, by the way, so bring cheese." She grabbed Clementine's used cup along with her own, weaving by the two to deposit both in the trash, then walked out the door.

As soon as she had some distance, she pulled out her personal phone and opened a message to Clem and Drake.

Alice (10:59)

So did i just indirectly invite Red Hood to dinner if I told him I'm making spaghetti and he should bring cheese?

Clementine (10:59)

gods alice youre so fucking wwierd

*weird

Drake (11:00)

Clementine aren't you in class?

Alice, if he's going to be there anyway I don't think so

It's just expecting him to pull his own weight.

Too bad he's not a normal person. I'd like to have another guy in the group.

Alice (11:01)

I could invite Richard.

Or Red Robin.

Drake (11:01)

What 

why is red robin an idea for a normal person?

Alice (11:04)

Balances out the coffee lovers to tea people

Clementine (11:21)

NOW LISTEN HERE

COFFEE IS A GIFT

AND YOU PEOPLE 

Drake (11:21)

Lookit her go

Clementine (11:21)

ARE HEATHENS

DON'T INTERRUPT ME

Alice (11:23)

lol

* * *

"So what's with the hoodie?"

"So what's with the origami?"

"You first."

"You first first."

Alice stirred the meat in the pan and thought about her life choices. "You first, first, first," she said carefully.

Hood snorted and crunched loudly on a dry noodle, even though it was his responsibility to cook them all. He kept crunching, but Alice didn't mind. When he flicked over the samurai behind the sink, she reached over and righted it, then tapped its helmet straight.

"Replacement got Agent A to confiscate it when I'm not actively working. Apparently, I wear it too much and it is the equivalent of a harmful safety blanket. Does that mean they take the demon's swords? Nope!" He dumped the noodles into the pot of boiling water, catching one out of the air and popping it into the depths of his hoodie.

"Harmful safety blanket?" Alice repeated questioningly, tapping the can opener against his leg until he took it and started to open the cans she had pushed at him earlier.

Hood waved a hand disdainfully. "Unimportant. Replacement convinced Agent A that it made me smell."

Alice cleared her throat and dipped her head, letting her hair fall into her face to avoid laughing. "Right. And who is Agent A?"

He passed her a can and she tipped it into the skillet. "Nope. Your turn. Samurai here, samurai there," he motioned at the one on the sink and at the one on the center of the table, "samurai even in your hair. And in your friend's hair."

"Earrings," Alice corrected with a laugh, straightening properly. She tucked her hair behind her ear and let him see the samurai glinting there. "I didn't make this one; just used some existing art. Same with Clem's."

"But why?" He dragged out the Y, turning it into a whine even as he passed her another can.

"Open that next one on both ends," Alice told him when he picked up the final, smallest can. "It's easier to get out that way."

"Why the samurai?" Hood continued to whine out the appropriate vowels, a slight quake to his shoulders that, again, reminding Alice of the similarities between the bats. She wondered what Batman's laugh sounded like; if his shoulders shook when he was suppressing amusement.

"Insurance. They protect the home." Alice stirred in the tomato sauces from the big cans. "They protect the head and the neck."

"You think you're in danger?"

 Alice looked at him. "Gotham," she said, holding up one finger. "Riddler." She held up another. "Supervillains." Third. "Friends with heroes." Fourth. "This world as a whole, being cheerfully fucked up, and no one doing anything to permanently fix it, and when people do try, like you cutting off heads because, hey, that was working! Everyone loses their minds." She took the last can from him and pushed on the lid, making the paste come out the other open end without needing to use a spatula. It was only after she'd started stirring it in that she realized Hood hadn't spoken and looked curiously at him.

His shoulders weren't moving anymore. He was oddly still. The sink samurai was in his hand, standing on his palm with the sword angled to the side, away from both of them and away from the door. Alice waited, stirring the sauce, but he still didn't speak up. She finally picked up the spoon to stir the noodles and poked his leg. He snatched it in his free hand and twisted to stir.

"You really think that, don't you," he said tonelessly, back to Alice and her samurai on his knee.

Alice studied him for a moment, then turned away. "Yeah. Screw the people who say killing a killer makes the same number of killers. You killed a whole bunch of them and Gotham was better for it. I wouldn't have come here if not for you." She lifted her head to frown at the cupboard door. "Maybe Clem is right about me being a little bit homicidal."

"What?" Hood twisted back toward her.

"You're the rest of the way homicidal, so we balance, she said," Alice explained. "I'm not homicidal, I don't think, but I see what needs to be done and everyone is too afraid to just _do_ it."

"Damn. Who pissed you off?" he asked with a laugh, crunching on another noodle, though Alice wasn't sure where he'd gotten it.

"I could ask the same of you," she pointed out. "What made you do what you did? What made you stop?"

"The Bat, and the Bat, in that order," he snarked. "He doesn't do what needs to be done. He lets the most dangerous, the  _craziest_ bastards, live! And then they escape, and the whole cycle starts again. What will he do the next time someone gets killed? Just chuck Joker in Arkham until he breaks out again? That _totally_ works!"

Alice's samurai fell off of his knee when he swept both arms toward the ceiling, voice louder and deeper and angrier. She looked at the samurai. Red Hood looked at the samurai. He slid off of the counter and crouched next to it, so Alice moved behind him to pour the noodles into the strainer in the sink. She shook them dry, trying to think of a response that made any sense at all, that helped, and was unable to come up with one. She dumped the noodles into the sauce and set the strainer aside, stirring.

"It landed on its feet," Hood said when she set out a bowl and her ramen mug.

"Yup." Alice covered the skillet and went to retrieve the copious amounts of cheeses he'd brought.

"That shouldn't have happened."

"Physics," Alice offered.

Paper rustled.

"It landed on its feet again."

Alice frowned at the spray cheese, then set it back in the bag and tried to bury it under the mexican variety bags, instead pulling out powdered Parmesan. "Magic," she suggested.

"Which is it?"

"Magic is just physics we don't understand yet."

"That's a cheater answer."

"That's what you're getting." Alice dipped to pick up the samurai, returning it to its station. "Let's eat."

Hood straightened and took his bowl. "You know," he said, turning his head away from her. "If you two say anything about this to Bats, I'm going to kill all of you."

Alice looked at him, then at the window. There was nothing visible there, but that probably was a useless piece of information. "We can buy their silence with spaghetti," Alice offered, and when Hood looked at her, she added, "or attack them with that spray cheese you brought, which, by the way, is never welcome here again."

He gasped dramatically. Out the window, there was another gasp, but it could have just as easily been wind. Alice grinned and turned away, finding another pair of bowls that she'd gotten for free somewhere to fulfill the bribe. She also grabbed the Red Robin mug, which Red Hood took and set on the window's ledge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it makes sense that civilians wouldn't know about Alfred aka Agent A. He's their guy in the...not chair. Butler uniform? Whatever. Bossy guy back home is not someone civilians know.


	9. Chapter 9

"Alfred!" Jason shouted, sliding into the kitchen. "I need you to teach me how to make spaghetti from scratch!"

Alfred looked up from the eggs he was preparing. "Very well, Master Jason. We can have it for supper."

"I need it before then," Jason replied, checking his phone. "I'm bringing it to Alice's."

Alfred raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"She said that she always gets disappointed when she eats out because the spaghetti is never good and even when she goes to a person's house it isn't as good and damn she's sort of right but I need to make the best spaghetti she's ever had to prove her wrong!" Jason reached into the plastic bag around his elbow and thrust a container at Alfred. "It needs to be better than this!"

Alfred slowly took the container and opened it, his eyebrow climbing higher when he saw the spaghetti inside. "Master Jason, I doubt she will want spaghetti multiple nights in a row."

"It's her favorite cheap food."

"Cheap food?"

"Her favorite food is sushi, but good sushi is too expensive to make from scratch or eat out often, she said. She also likes apple pie but she isn't patient enough to make it."

"Then why not make apple pie for her?"

"She made forty three paper samurai and a few more out of  _metal_ and she isn't patient enough to make her favorite dessert. You think I am?" Jason stared flatly at Alfred, who was not influenced by the stare.

"I don't see why not, Master Jason. We have a delightful recipe."

Jason looked at the bag hanging from his arm, empty of Parmesan cheese and a signed Red Robin mug. "She said that lattice tops were her favorite, and she likes flaky crusts."

Alfred smiled and stirred the eggs once more, then pointed out a binder. "Apple is not one of the most popular, so it is in the back," he said calmly. Jason set the bag down and went to rummage through the binder.

* * *

Bruce walked in later, yawning. He found Jason's hair entirely white with flour, Alfred chuckling as Jason swore vehemently at Damien, who was eating an apple on the fridge. Bruce turned around and walked out again.

* * *

"You know what's the worst?" Alice asked when she and Clementine sat down for class.

"What's the worst?"

"Getting a text from your ex."

Drake hissed behind her. "I thought you blocked her."

"She got a new number."

"Did you read it?"

Alice turned to look at him. "Do I look like a dumbass?"

He rolled his eyes and held out a hand. Alice pulled out both phones, checked she had the right one, and handed it to him. After a moment, his lips twisted downward and he handed the phone back.

"That's just an unhappy person," Clementine sighed, one of her headphones hanging out her ear even though she was doing something with the sound software on her computer. "But I can't blame her. I'd be unhappy too if I was such a dick that I managed to drive you away, miss crushing on a scary vigilante."

"Oh, yes, how was the date?" Drake cooed, resting his head on his palms, eyes sparkling.

"He brought spray on cheese."

"Good boy," Clementine giggled, and Drake and Alice both swatted at her. Alice's fingers connected with Clementine's shoulder, but Drake was too far back to reach her.

"You disgust me, coffee drinker," Drake muttered.

"You're one to talk, leaf water." Alice frowned. "Okay, so maybe you put honey in yours, but shut up, that's not the point. Alice, stop looking at me like that. God dammit Alice, turn those eyes away from me. Drake, she's giving me the hurt puppy look, make her stop. You're both traitors."

Clementine stuck the other bud into her ear and looked away from them with a pout.

Alice and Drake high fived without looking at each other.

* * *

They left the lecture with another armful of paper flowers to hand out. Drake already had crayons in his mouth and was trying to draw on the flowers in his arms, and it was because he was looking down that he ran into Clementine's back when she stopped. He looked up, dropping the crayons into his arms.

"Who's that in the hoodie?"

"I don't know. Alice went right over to him."

"She's smiling."

"Yeah she is."

"What do you think is in that box?"

"I don't know. She looks happy to see it."

"She looks happy to see _him_."

"Is it a him?"

"I think so. He's not a fan of the sun, apparently. Maybe he's a true Gothamite."

They fell silent, Drake's chin resting on Clementine's shoulder as they watched Alice talk to the guy in the black hoodie, even though it was another sunny day for Gotham. She had set all of her flowers on top of the box and taken it from him with one arm, leaving her other free as she lifted another flower and offered it to him. He took it and stood for a moment, then presumably said something that made her laugh, turned, and walked away.

Clementine rushed forward, Drake following quickly.

"Who the fuck?" Clementine demanded, and when Alice gave them a look of utter confusion, Drake gasped and looked around for the retreating back.

"That was him," he said when he looked forward again. "That was Red Hood, wasn't it?"

"Yeah," Alice said.

"The fuck?" Clementine asked.

"When are you on  _recognizing a stranger in a hoodie_ terms?" Drake asked.

"He's only allowed to wear the hood when he's working," Alice explained. "He said that Red Robin convinced someone to take it."

"Someone? Is there another bat?"

Alice shrugged. "I don't know. He said Agent A, but dodged it when I asked. Apparently, Agent A helped him make me a pie, though. He dropped it off now because he couldn't come by later."

Clementine gasped. "Alfred," she said eagerly, "can be Agent A! We won't confirm it, but if we act like there's a guy in the chair, and the guy being ordered around by the guy in the chair Batman slash Bruce Wayne, it'd make sense if the guy is Alfred!"

"I don't know," Alice said slowly. "I don't think I'm really supposed to know about Agent A, and maybe it's, like, actual Batman's dad. I don't want to cause trouble for someone that we don't know anything about."

"She has a point, Clem," Drake added when Clementine pouted. "If we presented the idea that there was another member that no one knows about, it might cause them unnecessary problems. There could be a reason no one knows about him."

"He could be an emotional support puppy," Alice said when Clementine didn't look convinced.

"Not even a scary puppy," Drake caught on. "Like, a maltese."

"All small and fluffy and white," Alice added.

"Fragile. Soft."

Clementine waved her hands, which looked like an awkward floundering because of her armful of flowers. "Okay, okay, we don't have to change anything else. The script is pretty much final, right?"

"Right. If there are changes, it'll probably be in the actual making of the scene, at this point. I've sent a full copy to everyone, you two included, with an excel spreadsheet that we can use to figure out times."

"I would like to ask again," Drake began, "when, exactly, you became able to recognize one stranger in a hoodie versus Red Hood in a hoodie."

"I'm trying not to think about it, actually," Alice said briskly. "Now come on, Milo wants to see his office and he promised there would be cake."

"Ooh, cake!" Clementine bounced on her heels and set off.

"Does he have really recognizable abs?" Drake asked Alice as they followed. "Does he have a recognizable  _butt_? Does he have a _nice_ butt?"

"I am not talking to you about Red Hood's butt."

"Clementine won't admit to being a bi disaster with me! I thought we were supposed to be allies in all things!"

"I'm not a bi disaster, I had a relationship that made me realize being bi was probably a disaster," Alice corrected.

"If I ever see her in person, I'll punch her for you."

"Do not."

* * *

Batman watched his sons with a frown as they bickered. Damien was sitting beside him, arms crossed and scowling, but that was hardly a change from the usual so Batman didn't worry about it. And, watching the others, and Batgirl and Black Bat, chatter, he wasn't particularly worried either. He was, however, confused, because Jason had taken off his helmet to reveal a strange object in his hair. When Dick had removed the object, it had turned out to be a flower, which Jason snatched back and plucked at in an uncertain attempt to fix the crumpled petals.

Barbara took it from him, then, and was properly fixing it while Cassandra watched over her shoulder. Tim was obviously teasing Jason, but then Jason turned and said something, smile sickly sweet, and Tim's face lost some of its color and Dick toppled over laughing. Damien clicked his tongue at them.

"They're happy," Batman commented when he heard Alfred approach.

"Indeed. Master Jason, in particular. He asked me to teach him how to make a pie today." Alfred paused, then added, "And he actually made it."

"Their interactions with the Vertur girl are making them act ridiculous," Damien muttered.

"I'd say she's causing improvement if she can interest Master Jason in culinary arts."

Jason reached for the flower and Barbara returned it to him. He placed it on his ear and glared at his brothers, daring them to speak.

"You're a beautiful princess," Dick said, loud enough to be heard, and between one blink and the next, Jason was sitting on top of him while Tim and Barbara laughed and Cassandra took pictures. Despite himself, Bruce smiled.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking and I realized that Jason Todd as the Red Hood is going to be playing the Red Hood as an unknown identity, wearing a fake Red Hood costume made by Batman as Bruce Wayne, who is also making a fake Batman costume for the real Nightwing as Dick Grayon to work alongside a fake Nightwing, who is dating the fake Batgirl, while dressed as a fake Batman even though he has previously been real Batman. So when all of this is over, Bruce Wayne is going to have a few new costumes for his Bat sons and daughters.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> K so you might have noticed that I removed this from Unwritten; I just want to clarify that I did that because of everyone's comments. Basically, my criteria for letting it out of that is: people like it so I need/want to make sure I think about it/keep writing it, and I know how it ends. This one is the first. I have no idea how this ends. I don't even know how the reveal goes. But seriously guys, thanks so much for the comments. They really mean a lot to me. A few of you have said that reading it had brightened your day, so I want to let you know that reading your comments does the same for me.
> 
> Also! Have a great new year!

Alice pushed open the door, nodded a greeting to Red Hood and Red Robin, and promptly collapsed face down on the couch. There was a long pause, then Red Robin asked, "Long day?"

"It's not even Halloween!" Alice shouted into the cushions. "Why'd they have to close the cafe?" She sat up, twisting to look at them. "That's the only place I can get a decent pastry without worrying there's, like, poison in it."

Red Robin and Red Hood looked at each other. They looked back at her. "That's a concern?"

Alice looked flatly at them. Then she blinked and looked again, her eyes narrowing. "Hood. What is that?"

Red Robin snickered and took another bite of the pie that he had on a plate, while Hood looked down at himself. "Duct tape."

Alice pressed her hands to her face, then climbed over the couch and moved closer, poking experimentally at the duct tape on his arm. Red Robin coughed around his pie. "Why," Alice asked, lifting her gaze to the darkness of the hoodie, "do you have duct tape wrapped around what I'm willing to bet is an injury?"

"That's what I said!" Red Robin crowed. "Apparently, he heals so fast it isn't worth the wasted medical supplies!"

"Well it  _isn't_!" Hood snapped.

"Do you have a healing factor?" Alice asked, stepping back to look at him curiously.

"Eh...kind of." Hood looked at Red Robin, who only smirked and took another bite of pie. "It's not, say, Flash quality, but it's better than normal."

Alice considered him for a moment, then sighed and nodded. "Alright. Robin, you're going to need to reimburse me for that."

"Told you," Hood sniped when Red Robin made a bewildered, insulted sound. "She made me get her new mac'n'cheese."

Red Robin's mouth fell open and he looked sharply at Alice. "It's a slice of pie!"

"Pie that he made me, and that you did not ask for," Alice replied smoothly. "You take my pie, it means I'll soon have a day without pastries  _or_ pie."

Red Robin and Red Hood both froze. Alice took another step back, half expecting them to launch away on some mission, but they didn't move. Instead, Red Robin let out a peculiar sound that was somewhere between a wail and a screech, which did not answer any of Alice's questions.

"This is the one you made?" Red Robin cried finally, which also did not help.

"Yep," Red Hood replied, voice carefully neutral. "That's why I said you should try it."

"No! You said that you recognized the box from a really great place!"

"Are you denying that I'm a great place?"

"There's no way you made this! Agent A swapped the pies so you wouldn't poison her!"

Alice decided that there wasn't a point in interjecting further and went to get a slice of pie for herself. She paused midway to the fridge, though, when she saw that one of the samurai was pointing its sword toward her bedroom door. She frowned and turned back, considering the closed door.

"He did not! And besides, I tried  _his_ , so if it was mine, it was still good!"

Alice walked over to her bedroom door, mentally calculating how pissed she should be at the heroes if they went into her room.

"You don't have tastebuds anymore!"

"What's that supposed to mean? I have excellent taste!"

"You run around, willingly, with a bucket on your head."

"It's my  _look_!"

Alice pulled open the door to her room. She looked inside, then closed it again. "Hey, guys, did you use the usual window to get in?" she called over her shoulder.

"Yeah," they chorused, then Red Robin continued, "It wasn't a good look when you started! That's like saying Nightwing's mullet was his  _look_."

"No, that was a phase, and we all should be glad it's over."

"You're not wrong," Red Robin admitted. "But the Hood should really  _not_ be a thing anymore."

Alice opened the door again and stepped inside. There were four metal samurai standing around the window. One of them was slightly crumpled, its front bowed and its sword was coated brownish red over the metal. Alice walked over to her closet and pulled it open, reaching to the top shelf to pull out a box of plastic gloves. She pulled the gloves on, then walked over to the samurai and straightened its form. She held a hand under the sword and it fell into her hand. With her other hand, she lifted the samurai again and set it on the dresser, directly above the drawer where she'd stored both replacement swords and metal sheets that could become samurai if something happened to the existing samurai that she couldn't fix.

When she walked back into the kitchen, holding a sword approximately the length of her index finger, Red Hood was saying, "...mask, but you don't see me showing mine off!"

"That's because your mask is under layers of whatever bright red article of clothing you're wearing!"

"Untrue," Alice cut in. "He wore black, once."

Red Robin gasped, scandalized, but Hood's attention had moved to Alice.

"Is that from one of your little origami dudes?" he asked, indicating the one by the sink.

"Yep," she replied. "I have metal ones in my room. Someone tried to get into my room by the window, by the way, and was stabbed accordingly." She lifted the sword by its tiny hilt.

"Damn," Hood said, while Red Robin's head did an owl-like swivel between the sword, her now open bedroom, and Hood. "Those things are sharp, even on your paper ones. Metal probably hurts." He paused, then added, "What a crazy coincidence that whoever it was happened to be stabbed."

"Indeed," Alice agreed with the charming smile that always made Clementine shiver. "Would you move so I can get a bag? Drake wanted to try out some of the lab supplies."

"That's a weird thing to want to try," Hood muttered, sliding to the side but not actually taking his butt from the counter.

"He's in the criminal justice program," Alice explained, pulling out a ziploc and dropping the sword into it. She sealed the bag, then tugged off her gloves and dropped them into the trash. "He was going to switch to a different one after he got his prerequisites, but Clem's here to be an audio engineer and GU has the best program this side of the country, so he stayed with her."

"It's still going to be impressive to get that done here," Hood mused. "Why did he pick Gotham in the first place, though?"

Red Robin reached for the bag so Alice let him have it. "He was from Bludhaven," she explained. "It's part of why he was so eager to play Nightwing, I think."

Hood hooted. "He saw the mullet phase!"

"He said Nightwing was very flippy, and it got him into gymnastics because he wanted to be flippy. Apparently, Drake wanted to join the circus to get the most experience."

Red Hood presumably clapped a hand to his mouth under the hood, but it did nothing to stifle the sounds of his laughter. "Good thinking," he gasped. "Great thinking. Hey, question, this guy have parents?"

"Everyone has parents," Alice replied with a laugh.

She had the distinct sense that he was rolling his eyes. "Okay, okay, he have  _alive_ parents?"

Alice looked at him. She thought about August, when Drake had come bearing gifts to his own birthday party, and he shrugged and changed the subject when people asked when he got from the parents. She said what Drake had, when she asked him about it over ice cream cake, and Clementine had been collecting wrapping paper for an experiment on sounds, "They went back for the cat." She had tried to loop a curly straw through his curls, then, and when Clementine had come back he'd been smiling for real for what felt like the first time that night.

In the moment, though, Red Hood breathed, "Fuck," and dipped forward at the same time, pushing a hand under his hood enough that the hood itself was pushed back. Alice hastily looked away, only then noticing that Red Robin and the sword she'd given him were gone. Red Hood moved and Alice glanced back at him, then allowed herself to focus when she'd confirmed the hood was back in place.

"Your brother bailed," she said.

"He does that."

"He took my plate."

Hood sighed.

"Was there a reason he was here, or should I just expect all of you to pop in to hang out and eat and then replace my food?"

Hood hummed indecisively, so Alice chocked it up to the latter. Remembering her earlier plan, Alice went to get herself a slice of pie, cutting a second slice for Hood. When she handed it to him, he asked, "Do I have to refund this?"

"Nope," she replied easily. "When you break into my place and eat my food, that's theft, and I expect the thief to return the merchandise in some form. When you break into my place and I feed you, that's me feeding you instead of getting metal bars over the windows."

"I'd just cut through them with my laser vision."

Alice paused. She looked at him. "You don't have laser vision."

"Are you sure?"

She frowned. "You don't have laser vision."

"But I do."

"There's no way. If you did, you'd use that instead of guns."

"Well, no. I'm not invulnerable like Supes. I've gotta protect my head, and it's not like I can zap people through the Hood."

"The others don't wear things like that."

Red Hood shrugged and took a bite of the pie. Alice got the feeling he was stalling. "Well, they don't have to carry the burden of laser vision."

"You realize that if you had laser vision, you could, like, remove cancer."

"Where is this point going?"

"If you haven't eliminated cancer but you have laser vision, you're a dick."

Hood coughed once, sharp and sudden. "You calling Superman a dick?"

"Yes. He's super powerful, and yet crime is still a problem. And, okay, maybe he doesn't want to put down an iron fist, but he could still cure all kinds of illnesses. Little kid has cancer? Boom, gone. Nothing to worry about. It's not like he's got a nine to five job, he's just chilling out in the super-fortress or whatever."

Hood was wheezing. Alice watched him, idly trying to remember what the fortress was actually called. She didn't usually follow the Superman interviews, and she'd just skimmed that one while she'd been considering a Superman-character cameo. With his super hearing, he'd probably be able to hear her if she asked. Actually, he could probably hear what she was saying at the moment, assuming he was for some reason listening.

"Alright," Hood finally gasped. "Alright. Okay. Want to know a secret?"

Alice cocked her head to the side, eyeing him, then leaned in when Hood motioned her closer. Hood leaned in too, enough that the edges of the hoodie were brushing her face, and Alice kept her gaze focused straight ahead. "He  _does_ have a job," Hood whispered, almost leaning back before the last word.

She straightened just as fast, eyes wide. "No way."

"Yes way."

"Like, a normal human job?"

"Like a normal human job."

"How? Does he wear a mask? Is he a construction worker, so the hair is covered? Is he a  _shapeshifter_? Everyone can see his face!"

Hood crossed his ankles, swinging his legs. "Think about it. You know his name, where he lives, hell, you know his hobby is fighting crime and he likes dogs. Why would you look for him in the everyday man?"

Alice pressed a hand to her mouth, thoughts swirling wildly. "What the fuck," she finally breathed. "I hope I don't know Superman."

That got a laugh out of Red Hood, which turned into a cough because he'd taken a bite of pie. He kept coughing and Alice hovered uncertainly, wondering if hitting a superhero on the back was really the best decision. Luckily, he stopped on his own, one hand dipping under the hood and scrubbing furiously as he continued to chuckle. Alice settled back and ate her own slice, thinking.

"Is it hard?" she finally asked. "Is it hard to trust someone who looks like you but just...isn't. Never was, never will be. Not really."

The pressure of Hood's gaze was almost tangible. Finally, he said, "No. Ko-Starfire is even more different, and she's too bubbly to distrust. Now, Martian Manhunter, that's an interesting guy. He could be in your head and you wouldn't even know it, but, here's the thing." And he stopped, head tipping back just enough that the hood stayed up. Alice waited patiently. "He could be anyone. He could look like any other human. But he doesn't. He stays close to who he is. And what kind of people would we be to act horribly toward someone that looks differently from us?"

There was a sardonic note to his voice that Alice didn't know how to approach, so she decided not to go near it. Instead, she replied, "I agree completely."

And silence settled, both of them eating pie while Red Robin ran a blood test in the depths of the batcave, only answering with a vague grunt when Batman asked him where Todd was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember kids, never touch another person's blood with your bare hands.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was so hard to write omigod I had to restart so much and it still didn't end up how I wanted.

They were all bad cop. Maybe it hadn't started like that, but after Damien had spewed something about 'ensuring the capacity for danger possessed by the Vertur girl', Jason and Tim had a moment of agreement and Jason was happily looming over Damien while Tim and Bruce took turns scolding him about breaking in and getting stabbed by a toy to the point that he was limping.

Jason spared a glance at Dick, who was skimming through different feeds. It was quiet, for the night that would become Halloween morning, but they'd put in extra hours to wipe out the villain population before the real day. Dick shifted in place and pulled out his phone. He looked at it, then at Jason with a devilish grin.

"Your girlfriend's calling me!" he crooned.

"Don't call her that," Jason snapped, automatically pulling out his own phone to check that he hadn't missed a call. He hadn't. He looked back at Dick to see that he'd already answered. He was frowning, brow pinched in the expression that Jason usually dubbed Heroic Concern. Jason decided that Damien didn't care if he was looming and strode around the others, walking over to Dick.

"Wrong number," Dick said as Jason arrived. "This is not Drake."

Dick's phone was damn near impossible to hear anything from, so Jason could only sulk nearby as Dick pointed his Heroic Concern at the wall.

"No, it's fine. You sure you're alright?" Dick paused, then continued, "Okay. Bye, then." He pulled the phone away from his ear, screen already displaying that the call had ended. He looked Heroically Concerned at it.

"Well?"

"I'm not sure," Dick finally answered. "She was trying to call Drake. Said 'they' brought her the wrong phone."

"Then why do you look constipated?"

Dick rolled his eyes at Jason. "She sounded upset when I first answered, that's all. Said she was skipping class."

"Huh."

They both looked at the phone, then, like it was a race, which it totally wasn't, they ran for the cars.

* * *

The windows were locked and the dog door had been sealed.

* * *

Clementine frowned at her phone. "She said no to ice cream. Who says no to ice cream?"

Drake patted her shoulder. "It's alright. It must be something serious or she wouldn't be missing class. I copied her notes for her."

"Who says no to pie?"

"Clem, sometimes people have bad days. That's all it is."

Green eyes shot over to him, lips turned down in a pout. "Still! I bet she'd talk to Red Hood."

"Nope."

They both spun, Drake sliding protectively between Clementine and the guy in a hoodie. He paused for a moment, then asked, "Hood?"

"Yep."

"You better not have done something that upset her! We were going to chill and watch Nightmare Before Christmas and eat candy and she cancelled!" Clementine tossed back her hair, bristling.

"We don't know either. She locked me out when I tried to visit." Hood crossed his arms. "Nightwing is worried, and that got Replacement worked up, too, and they made me see you guys."

Clementine squinted at him. "You're not worried?"

"Alice is an adult. She can take care of herself."

Drake sighed, pushing Clementine back again. "Alice is fine," he said. "She broke a lamp and cut her hand, but she's fine."

"Why did she break a lamp?"

"You know, that wasn't my priority." Drake crossed his arms. "But I promise, she's fine. It's probably better that she isn't out today, anyway. Halloween is dangerous and if she isn't feeling well it's better for her to rest."

Hood sighed. "Yeah. You're right. It's been pretty quiet, at least. Bats is being paranoid about it."

Clementine gasped. "That's right! I want to get a sound byte of the Batman! I can make Mr. Wayne's voice sound like his!"

Hood cleared his throat. "Well, I'll ask about it, but don't get your hopes up. Wayne will be fine."

Drake swung an arm around Clem, stopping her from protesting. "We'd appreciate that. I'd like to meet with Nightwing, if possible, and go over his part, but there's no need to feel obligated to do it."

"That'll be easier to get than a meeting with B. Alice told me that you're a fan."

Drake grinned. "Yeah, he's cool."

A mildly awkward silence fell. The awkwardness increased when Red Hood still didn't move. Clementine and Drake looked at each other.

"So, was there something else you needed?" Drake asked.

"Oh! Uh, no. That's all. Bye!"

And, like a normal person, he turned and jogged away. Drake and Clementine looked at each other, then shrugged and continued on their route.


	12. Chapter 12

Alice pushed open the door, absently curling her fingers. The samurai were, well, not helpful, but they tried. They did bring her the phone that had Drake's name in the contacts, and they were certainly helpful fixing the lamp she'd knocked down, but they could not be trusted to supply medical supplies when they were made of paper and metal. The only one that had tried to help, the one that had stabbed whoever tried to break in, had actually stabbed her again on accident and needed to have its sword confiscated so that it stopped trying to commit seppuku.

Clementine had confirmed that the gash from the broken lamp, and then the one next it from the sword, were not in need of stitches, so Alice had wrapped it up following a WikiHow and worked on rewriting the pictures Drake sent her of notes. She'd need to open the dog door again later; the drone was temporarily deactivated, but the Bats had no such wiring.

It wasn't rational to be scared, but fear was rarely rational. Drake only had a tattoo of Nightwing's sign on his shoulder, and Clementine didn't have any tattoos, but Alice had no idea if the Bats were the same, and seeing as she had made nine new samurai's during the nightmare alone, she didn't want to risk it. She'd need to go by one of the craft stores, assuming they were open the day after Halloween, for more pages.

She sighed, idly wondering where she should go for breakfast when the cafe was still closed. She needed to get more eggs, too, and she'd have to call a trustworthy Bat for delivering the cookies she'd stress baked. Somehow, she thought Red Hood would eat them all.

A moment too late, she realized that someone was crossing in front of her and they collided. She stumbled a step back, arm out to catch herself, and whoever it was seemed to take that as an invitation to grab her arm and pull her straight. Alice looked up and was pleasantly surprised to meet a familiar gaze. "Jason, right? Sorry about that."

"Nah, it's fine!" He grinned at her.

Alice waited, but he still didn't let go of her arm. She finally tugged free and he jumped, letting go without resistance. "Well, nice seeing you." Alice smiled and moved to step around him, only for him to block her path.

"What happened to your hand?"

She looked at her normal hand, then realized what he obviously meant and focused on his face again. There was something familiar about his stance, too, but she couldn't quite place it. "I broke a lamp, and when I was cleaning up I cut my hand," she explained. And he kept standing there. Alice pressed her lips together, rocking on her heels. "Well, I'm going to breakfast, so I'll see you-"

"Mind if I join you? I'll buy."

Alice blinked. "Oh, okay."

"Cool. Coney Island sound good?"

"There's a Coney here?"

"Sure. We can drive." He pointed at the motorcycle on the curb.

Alice looked at it. Looked at him. Pictured how exactly the two of them would be able to fit on it, and how comfortable she would be with someone A) she didn't know, and B) was acting rather weird. "Yeah, no. You'll need to be friend level, like, eight, for that."

He opened his eyes wider in surprise, pressing a hand to his chest. "Level eight! How am I supposed to get that much experience?"

"I'm sure you'll figure it out," Alice replied easily. "There's bound to be a tutorial lying around somewhere."

Jason laughed. He really did laugh like Red Hood, loud and reckless, head tipping back in a way just enough that a hood wouldn't fall off. "Alright, alright. So, what level do I need to be for the tragic backstory?"

Alice inclined her head, letting her feet carry her forward and assuming, correctly, that he would follow her. Apparently, he wasn't worried about the bike being stolen. "Well, there has to  _be_ a tragic backstory for that, but if I did have one, I think it would be...level six."

"Below riding my perfectly safe, truly awesome motorcycle?"

"You say perfectly safe, I hear liable to fall apart if Penguin sneezes in its direction."

"Well, at least that means Penguin would be able to do _something_."

Alice laughed. "There you go, you  _do_ know how to get experience!"

"Ha ha. What's with the earrings?"

She shot him a look. "Insulting my fashion sense? I'll have you know, samurai are in right now." Maybe. "Friend level twenty."

"Twenty! That's impossible!"

"Nope! I've got two people above it, and one person, eh...four or so below?" Alice thought for a moment, absently wondering if Red Hood really was so randomly quantifiable. "Although, knowing him," or rather, his family, "I wouldn't be surprised if he already knew."

"Hm..." Jason stuck his thumbs in his pockets. Alice was torn between thinking that his general attractiveness let him pull off the look and that the actual 'look' was kind of ridiculous. "So what's the friend level for...emergencies?"

"That would be 911."

"That's way too high!"

Alice laughed. "Well, superheroes are used to getting high. Wait, no, that not how that was supposed to sound."

But Jason was already laughing, body bowing forward instead of back. "Definitely used to it," he crowed. "Just, Supes, sitting up there in Metropolis, takin' a nice long drag of a Kryptonian cigar 'cause he has the _good_ shit."

"No, Superman can't do drugs," Alice protested, shaking her head. "The world wouldn't be able to survive! He'd, like, run into buildings. Everything would fall apart."

Jason outright  _cackled_. "George of the Jungle is a rural, high, Superman."

Alice pressed her hands to her face, because now she had the George of the Jungle song stuck in her head. "That doesn't even make sense."

"Does it need to? Ask yourself seriously, does it really need to make sense?"

"It's too early in the morning for this!"

"It's ten."

Alice shot him a glare. "Fine. I didn't get enough sleep to deal with this."

She turned her head away before she could confirm if he had frowned at that, but when she looked back the expression was gone. "Sleepless nights can be unhealthy," he said instead, in the voice of her ninth grade health teacher. "Are you stressed?"

"Only as much as an average college student. Besides, filming starts on the fifth so I've been busy."

"What? So soon? Dick didn't tell me that."

Alice looked at him, but her confusion lifted when she remembered that, for some reason, Dick was a nickname for Richard. That was how they'd met, after all. "We're doing the basic stuff right now," she explained. "Just civilian interviews and a few of the other things for setup. The bats don't come in until the eleventh because of Damien's school schedule."

Jason waved a hand. "Come on, he doesn't need it. He's smarter than all of them, and he'll tell you all the ways he's smarter than  _you_ , too, if you let him."

Well, that confirmed that he was somehow related to Bruce Wayne.

"School is healthy," Alice replied with a shrug. "It sucks and you hate it, but it's where you meet friends. I don't want to ask to pull him from that, especially when Mr. Wayne has been so generous." She paused, looking over at the cafe. Clementine was wrong. It was open. "I'm going to eat there," she said, pointing. "I've got guest passes if you want something, though. It's one of the places my meal plan covers."

Jason looked over, then back at her. "Nah, that's alright. Thanks for the offer, though. See you around, Alice."

With that, he turned and jogged away. Alice watched him go, puzzled, then shrugged and pulled out her phone to inform Clementine of the good news as she headed across the street.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (What happens at the beginning)  
> Jason: is standing to the side of the door when Alice walks out. "Hi."  
> Alice: keeps walking  
> Jason: freezing up for a sec, then jogging after her. "Uh, hi."  
> Alice: keeps going  
> Jason: realizes that she's totally zoned out but he's not been waiting at the door like a normal person for two hours and then walking away, so dodges in front of her so they run into each other and at least THAT gets her attention


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just saw this story's word count and it's over 25000????? When did that happen?

Alice sat on top of the crates, watching absently with the camera propped on her shoulder. Richard was hanging from the window, his feet kicking lazily after the ladder had been knocked down. When Alice looked at him, he waved her off with one hand, still hanging freely but managing to look perfectly comfortable doing it.

June had fled as soon as the mouse had appeared, but Alice was pretty sure that they'd gotten enough clips of her in the Black Bat costume that they wouldn't need to call her back, though she would still need to sign off on the volunteer hours that June had asked for. Alice hadn't known that the girl was in Honors and it had opened up an interesting line of conversation that Alice hadn't seen coming between June and Richard before they started filming.

Lily was curled on top of another stack of crates, chattering eagerly at Tim, who had accompanied Richard. Tim had turned a rather interesting variety of colors when he saw her and Lily had noticed, blushed, and immediately bounded over to talk to him. Alice had picked up a few key words, first about Red Robin, then about coffee, and then about computer programming, and at some point the young man had begun returning her interest.

Bruce Wayne was sitting in the chair that Alice had gotten for him when he expressed an interest in staying, watching everything pass them by with an expression of amused disinterest.

Clementine was chasing Drake, which made sense when he was the one who let the mouse out, and Drake was chasing Damien, which made less sense beyond the gleam in Damien's eyes at the sight of the mouse. Predictably, Damien was chasing the mouse.

"What did I miss?" Hood asked from his sudden seat beside Alice. She had already been on the crates at the beginning of the fiasco, filming 'Batman' spar with a few kids who had volunteered as extras for the few fight scenes in the film. She wasn't sure when Hood arrived, but it was after the kids had left and before she had climbed down.

All the same, she couldn't bring herself to be surprised by his arrival as she said, "So Clementine's aunt sent her a baby mouse, or, not actually a baby, but I think she said it was young."

"Right."

"And she didn't want to be lonely, and Richard mentioned that Damien likes animals, so she brought it." Alice watched Damien try again to throw one of the batarangs that Mr. Wayne had supplied, but it bounced harmlessly off the floor and barely fazed the frantically running mouse.

"Right."

"And then Drake thought it looked sad, and since we're on break, he wanted to let it out and hold it."

"And that didn't go well."

"Right." Alice turned the camera to follow 'Robin' as he launched forward, flipped off the wall, and reached out. He almost got it, but it scrambled through his fingers. Fluffy mouse.

"Are you still recording?" Hood leaned against Alice's shoulder, peering at the camera. His hood connected uncomfortably with the side of her head and they both jolted back, him raising a hand to rub the spot that had hit her. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," Alice assured him. "And yes. I'm recording. Everything."

"Everything?"

"It's a comedy. This?" 'Robin' careened around the crates that 'Red Robin' and Tim were sitting on, as did 'Nightwing', but 'Batgirl' was less successful and slammed into them, sending 'Red Robin' flying. Tim landed more elegantly and rushed to help 'Red Robin' while 'Batgirl' resumed the chase, hardly seeming to notice what she'd done. "This is quality that I could never write."

"You act like you knew it would happen," Hood pointed out once he'd stopped laughing at 'Red Robin' and TIm.

"I put Clementine and Drake in a movie together as romantic interests." Alice shot a grin at Hood. "I may not have known what they would do, but I know them."

Even though she couldn't see his face, he was almost certainly smirking under the hood. He reached out to adjust her camera angle to get 'Batman' in the shot, still dangling from the window. "That's quality, right there," he said. "You wouldn't believe how often B gets stuck like that."

Alice gasped, looking sharply at Hood. "Really?  _Batman_ does?"

"Oh, yeah," Hood drawled, pushing the camera again. "He gets his cape stuck in things, too. One time he-" Mr. Wayne coughed loudly and Hood paused, looking over at him. Slowly, Hood's shoulders rolled back and he relaxed backward, leaning against Alice again. "-jumped out of a window to get away from a bomb-" Mr. Wayne kept coughing but Hood just raised his voice, "-but the glass was that strong hurricane-proof stuff so even though he broke some of it, when he we outside his cape got snagged on the edges and he slammed into the wall and broke an arm and two ribs. We had to force him into bed rest and even then he kept trying to go out again until it got so bad we had to call in Agent A."

Mr. Wayne hacked noisily into his arm, enough that Alice finally looked his way. Lily had approached him and was tentatively holding out a bottle of water, but Mr. Wayne just waved her off. Alice glanced around for Tim and found that he, too, seemed to be coughing, but his cough was accompanied by a concerning wheeze.

"I hope that they're not getting sick," Alice said with a frown as Mr. Wayne's cough abated. She turned back to Hood. "Does he usually ignore his injuries like that?"

"Oh, all the time," Hood sighed. "He's practically nocturnal, anyway."

Mr. Wayne was coughing again. Alice couldn't see Tim anymore when she looked, but she thought that the wheezing was coming from him. Mr. Wayne finally took the water from Lily and begun chugging the bottle in a way that Alice could only describe as fiercely.

"It's nice that he has you all and Agent A to help out," Alice offered to Hood, who snorted.

"I don't help out. I tried to kill him, and Replacement for that matter, when I came back."

"Came back?" Alice tipped her head to the side as she adjusted the camera again, her mind going back to Hood's response when she'd asked about his age.

But Hood just waved his hand and shook his head. "Long story," he said, and Alice was only a little unwilling to let it go.

She watched as Damien finally pulled the sword out of its sheath and was surprised when it gleamed like real metal. Richard shouted, "Baby bird, no swords!" and Damien groaned loudly, but threw it away.

"That was adorable," Alice murmured, making a mental note to keep that when they cleaned up the sound later. Red Hood chuckled beside her, but not loudly enough that Alice had to raise her voice as she asked, "Do you have any tattoos?" She hesitated, then added, "Or scars. Sometimes it's scars, too, if they look like tattoos, so, yeah. Uh. Scars or tattoos? Or tattoos that look like scars? Wait, no. Scars that look like tattoos. Do you?"

Hood paused. "What?"

Alice pressed a hand to her face. "Do you have any tattoos or scars?" she repeated, carefully leaving out all of the anxious words that wanted to follow the statement.

Hood turned his head toward her. She wasn't actually sure why he'd come, or how he'd known  _to_ come, since he wasn't needed for the day's filming and Alice hadn't wanted to bother him with coming to socialize like Lily technically was. "Why?" he asked, his tone had to decipher.

"Because you're like friend level twenty or something close to it and really you're hard to put a number on but!" Alice bit her tongue. Ow. Helpful, though. "I want to tell you something, both as someone who is kind of my friend even though you regularly break in and eat my food and stuff but also as a hero that I think deserves to know on account of you being a hero-"

Red Hood, the brilliant man, put his hand over her mouth. "I'm friend level twenty?" he questioned.

"Or something close," Alice answered around his hand. Then, because she couldn't shut up, "I ran into Jason, the guy that I wanted to play you, and we talked a little bit and I made a joke and then it kind of kept going but it got me thinking so."

"And you need to know if I have tattoos or..." He trailed off and Alice abruptly realized that the second part was basically a given. He was a hero. He had to have been hurt in the past. Of course he would have scars, and the scar theory wasn't really proven, anyway, so it probably didn't even matter. He poked her cheek. "You're muttering."

"Am not." Maybe.

Hood sighed and sat back, watching Damien launch himself forward. He landed on his stomach, hands outstretched in front of his body, and Drake and Clementine swerved to avoid tumbling over him.

"Did you get it?" Drake asked.

In response, Damien swung his hands up and parted his thumbs just enough that a pink nose could stick out. Clementine and Drake whooped happily, then Clementine ran to help Richard get down while Drake stuck his hands under Damien's armpits and swept him off the ground, spinning him around once before setting him down again. Damien staggered slightly, blinking quickly, but didn't react negatively.

"No," Hood said. And when Alice looked at him, he added, "No tattoos."

She relaxed just slightly. That was one less thing to worry about. "Do any of your scars connect? Like they could make a design?"

Hood was silent for a long moment. Long enough that Richard had climbed down and Drake and Damien had figured out how to trap the mouse with their legs and were sitting with it between them taking turns petting it. Alice let the camera settle on them as Richard draped an arm over Drake's head and ruffled Damien's hair. Clementine sat beside Drake and leaned over to press a kiss to his cheek.

There was something ridiculously sweet about it and Alice lowered the camera. That was a moment for all of them to bond. It didn't need to be recorded. Especially when Tim and Lily made their way over, too.

"I'll need to check," Hood said.

Alice nodded. "It probably doesn't matter," she said. "If it makes you uncomfortable, you don't have to, and if you still want to come by after I tell you I'll just let you know when it isn't safe."

"Isn't safe?"

"Yeah. Like, uh, two weeks ago? Ish. Definitely wouldn't have been safe." Alice checked again that the camera was still recording, but only focused on the floor.

"Alice, what-"

"Come by later and we'll talk. No bugs in the ear, though, okay? Please?" She looked at Hood again, hands tight around the camera.

She couldn't see his face around the hood and she couldn't see his face when he was wearing a hoodie, but there was something impersonal about the red surface that made it easier to keep her gaze steady until, finally, he nodded. Alice smiled, pretended the smile wasn't weak and wobbly, and hopped off of the crates to go to the others. Hood didn't follow her.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hm...ta da.

Alice paced across the room, aware of the row of samurai on the counter. Most of them were paper, except for her earrings and the ones that were usually in her room. The one that had stabbed her still couldn't have its sword returned, so it had taken a position on Alice's shoulder. That might have been concerning, especially when it meant that it was developing a personality and that was  _super_ uncharted territory, but there were several more pressing matters on Alice's mind.

She had told Clementine and Drake what she was doing and Clementine had celebrated while Drake worried. She hadn't checked her phone since she got back to the apartment, but they had certainly sent her messages.

Alice paced the other way. She never had given the cookies to anyone and they wound up getting eaten by Clementine. If she wasn't going to have company that might end poorly she would start baking again just to have something to do.

She checked her computer, but the link was still up, the news clip paused. Alice started to raise her hand to her mouth, even though she hadn't bitten her nails in ages, and the samurai on her shoulder poked her in the neck with an elbow. She dropped her hands and turned to pace again.

"You know, I would just sit here and see how long it took for you to notice me, but I'm a little freaked out by your army," Hood's voice said, and Alice spun to see him sitting in the window.

For a moment she was baffled; army? But then she looked over her shoulder at the samurai and realized, yeah, they did look kind of disturbing, all set up like that. She looked back at Hood. She should definitely say something. Instead of using her words, and she really did have a lot of them usually but now was evidently not the time, she gestured at the computer.

Hood turned his head toward the computer. He turned his head back toward her. "Okay," he said slowly, and pushed off the window. He passed her without comment, though Alice almost  _felt_ his eyes land on the samurai on her shoulder, stable in a way that shouldn't have been possible for something that didn't have its own balancing abilities. "Just press play?" he questioned, but didn't look at her for confirmation.

Alice rocked in place while the video started, then couldn't take it anymore and went back to pacing. She knew how it went. She could probably recite it by heart, if she wanted to. The blue banner under the reporter named Mary May read  _Hostage Negotiations Currently In Palce_. The typo always bothered Alice, just like the black scrawl under the headline that talked about sports scores from the night before. They were so...ordinary.

"Hello listeners, and welcome back." Mary May's voice was grave even though her eyes moved with a script. Her blouse had a tiny red pin on it shaped like a heart. Every now and then, a light from one of the police cars would glance off of it and turn it purple or pink. "I'm standing in front of the Starr Bank and while the situation is currently at a standstill, we have been told that negotiations are underway. As of yet, no one has been harmed, and as far as we know there are four gunmen in the building. Attempts to reach Flash have failed."

"Flash? This is in Central?" Hood asked, but Alice didn't answer. Didn't look at him. She wished that she had put on a ring so that she had something to do with her hands.

"While the number of hostages is unknown, the-" Alice's shoulders rose to her ears a moment before the gunshot. She adjusted her pace enough that by the time the screaming started- a cacophony of wails that came from one of the gunmen, he had been a metahuman, they'd reported later -she was on the other side of the room. Glass shattered. The camera cracked. The footage went dark, but the screaming continued.

Alice paced back. When she passed Red Hood, he reached out and grabbed her arm, yanking her to a stop. He didn't say anything.

The image returned. It was grainy and poor and the camera was clearly in bad shape. Mary May had both hands over her ears. "Are you still recording?" she shouted. "Are we live? Brent, I can't hear you! Are we live?" The camera jostled. Alice wasn't sure, but she'd always assumed that the cameraman answered with a gesture instead. Mary May immediately straightened, turning to look at the bank. All of the windows had exploded outward, glass shining like diamonds on the cement.

A man burst out the door. Even from afar, through the damaged view, the red covering him was clear. He took three steps forward and collapsed, one arm outstretched toward an officer. (That part wasn't clear, but, later, when they'd all been ushered out, Alice had seen where he fell. They hadn't moved the body, just covered it with a sheet, but she had seen his reaching fingertips.)

Mary May spun back to the camera, paused a moment, opened her mouth, and the video was lost. The link started to autoplay something else and Hood pressed the key to stop it.

"Something tells me you're involved in that," he said dryly, and released Alice's arm.

"It was an accident," Alice said, which was the wrong order. What was the point of rehearsal if she couldn't get her lines right? "I've gotten better now. I'm mostly in control."

Hood looked at the computer. He looked back at her. She thought he opened his mouth under the hood, but then he closed it again and was silent. "What is  _it_?" he asked carefully, his tone a familiar sort of blankness that told Alice absolutely nothing and therefore made everything worse.

And, going off the script again, she said, "You guys can move now. But no stabbing."

The samurai that had immediately darted forward to stab Red Hood in the leg stopped. It turned its helmet toward her, managing to look petulant despite having no face. Hood looked down at it. It turned to glare at him, again, somehow successful despite lacking a face. Three more slid closer to it, backing it up, and Alice pressed her hand to her face.

"I can't say I didn't see this coming," Hood said. "But that still doesn't explain what that was." He nodded at the screen.

Alice pressed her hands together. "I can," she breathed in and in her exhale she said, "make things three dimensional. Drawings. I can draw one of these guys and then pull it out of the paper and sorta tap some life into it and boom got a little soldier dude to protect the house."

"Tap some life into it," Hood repeated slowly.

"Well, yeah, I could pull it out of the paper, or metal, or anything really, anything works, but then it's just this statue, and then like Pygmalion and Galatea, well, no, because I'm not in love with them, so I guess this analogy makes me Aphrodite? Or is it Venus? Is that Greek or Roman mythology? Is it-" The samurai elbowed Alice again. She remembered to breathe in again. "So I've just got a statue, but the statue isn't helpful if I want it to be mobile like these guys so I just  _bop_ and they're alive. I've got some that are really just paper like when I had the nightmare the other night and accidentally pulled them out but I didn't make them alive and now they're just kinda sitting in the drawer and I feel bad but I've got thirty of these guys already counting the earrings I made for Clementine and the ones in Drake's bag and they're pretty sturdy so it's not like I need to replace them but where would I put them right?"

The samurai elbowed Alice again. She shut up.

"They're alive." Hood turned his head toward Alice.

"Sort of? They can move. This one is starting to develop a personality beyond what I made it for, I think, but those ones just perceived you as a threat to me because I'm kind of panicking right now and I think they can feel it?" Alice bit her tongue.

Hood looked at the four that were probably still considering stabbing him. He looked back at Alice. "And the video?"

"Oh, I got shot." Wrong order, wrong order, abort! "But I was fine!" Clearly, dumbass, try again. "Except it triggered my genes I guess and I pulled everything toward me at once." Still not great, but getting...somewhere. Maybe. "And one of the guys had a sleeve. Like, the tattoo kind."

"And you...pulled...it off."

Alice curled her hands into fists. "Yeah." Then, like an idiot, she added, "Even if it's one dimensional on the surface it'll come out by pulling extra matter so that it's 3D. It killed him." Great job! A+ performance! "And he was standing by his friends or whatever they were and when he screamed he sorta blew out their ears and I'm actually not sure what happened to them because we moved away after that." Wow. Way to go. Super improv skills. Maybe she _should_ be an actress!

"So when you were asking if I had tattoos...?"

"Yup!"

"But scars?"

"Sure!" Wow, her voice sounded weird. "My step-dad had a scar around his hand from when he was younger and it got caught in a metal loop like the kind animal control uses but not exactly, it's super cool looking and I made it bigger when this happened, and it's this perfect circle and I pulled that out too. That almost wasn't three dimensional or maybe it was since it was basically a bracelet."

Hood was silent. It occurred to Alice that she had forgotten to breathe again and she inhaled, but that made her head spin. She sat down. The floor was a little further away than she'd expected, but that was fine. Better to sit than fall!

"That's the only time I've used it on people," she said blandly. "And no one else died. I checked. Lots of people were hurt, though." A few of the samurai scaled to the floor and departed, returning to their posts. It was mostly the metal ones.

"You're a metahuman?"

"Hope so! If I'm not that, I might not be human!" Alice laughed. Then she wondered why she was laughing and pressed her lips together. "I've tested it here and there, but I only really got serious when you kept coming by. I carry designs of weapons in my pockets and in my bag that I can make real if I need to. No matter what the material is, they're all sturdy. Metal is more resilient than paper, obviously, but I can fix a paper one as easily as a metal one. And you know what's weird? Even if I draw them holding a sword, when they come out the sword is removable. It isn't fused to their hand or something."

Red Hood made a strange sound and then he was sitting too, a hand pressed to the face under his hood. "I thought it would be tech," he said in a near whisper.

"I can make one out of a phone," Alice offered. "I broke my first phone like that. I drew a flower in this glowy app and then I pulled the flower out and it destroyed my phone. I can't put it back, either. It made my mom cry. She cried a lot when I was still trying to learn how it worked so I stopped. I think I scared her." That was not supposed to be said. Where is the off switch, please? "And you know the drone? It died in the 'ran out of batteries' sense and I went to pick it up so that Clem could charge it or put batteries in it or whatever and-"

"It's afraid of storms," Hood whispered. "It's  _literally_ afraid of storms, because you made it alive."

"That was how Clementine found out," Alice confirmed. "She screamed. But in the excited way."

"Alice."

"Yeah."

"You didn't draw the drone, right?"

"Yeah."

Hood bowed forward slightly, hood falling further over his face. "Alice."

"Yeah."

"You can bring things to life. It's not pulling things out of paper or metal or, or skin, it's bringing things to life."

Alice opened her mouth. She closed it again. She frowned vacantly. "But when I make paper flowers they aren't alive. They don't have personality."

"The paper flowers are-" Hood stopped. He leaned back, resting his head against the table leg. Alice could see the outline of his jaw when she looked his way. He didn't say anything. He still didn't say anything when a samurai brought Alice a beaded bracelet on a stretchy cord that she immediately begun twisting through her fingers. She was pretty sure that she hadn't said anything that had been on the script.

"I have to go," he said, and stood. Alice jolted at the sudden break in silence, mouth opening to say...something, but he had gone out the window long before Alice had thought of  _what._

A samurai brought her a phone. It was the Bat-Phone. Maybe she should put a sticker on it. The samurai on her shoulder gestured to the other one and it immediately dashed away to return with her personal phone.

Alice took it. Clementine had been sending her a string of question marks. Drake had gone into full panic mode and was sending memes about breakups and ice cream and bouquets. Alice started a group call.

"Alice!" Clementine shouted.

"How did it go?" Drake demanded.

"Do I need to kill him?" Clementine asked.

"Do I need to stop her from killing him and then maybe still kill him myself?"

Alice couldn't help a laugh. "No. No killing the hero."

"You sound upset," Clementine said.

"So we do need to kill him," Drake agreed.

"No." Alice sighed. "He watched the video. We talked. He said I bring things to life, and then he left."

There was a long beat of silence, then Clementine let out an enraged shriek while Drake asked, "That's it? He didn't even say if he was cool with it?"

"What the  _fuck_?" Clementine squalled.

"Alice, I love you, but you are not good at hiding your feelings and unless he's an oblivious ass there's no way he didn't realize how worried you were. Just leaving like that...what does it even mean?"

"Not sure," Alice replied.

" _What_ the fuck!"

"And what did you mean about bringing things to life?"

"I told him about the drone and I think he connected that it wasn't a drawing but I still powered it. Maybe he's right? What if everything I've made is actually something...sentient?"

"What.  _The_. Fuck."

"I think it needs to have some kind of processing system," Drake mused. "So I don't think you did. The drone had its memory banks and the samurai are technically people, so maybe it relies on  _you_ thinking about them as sentient beings. You don't think flowers can think, do you?"

"No."

"Then there we go."

"Alice!" Clementine's shriek made the samurai flinch. "Are you okay?"

"Honestly?" Alice realized that at some point she'd laid down and she was looking at the ceiling. "I'm either dissociating or having a panic attack. Or maybe both. Is there a name for that?"

Silence pressed over the line for what felt like hours. Alice waited through all of them. "Alice, I'm coming over," Clementine said. "Can Drake come too, or do you think it's too risky?"

Alice considered it. "He can come too," she decided.

"Alright," Drake replied. "We're on our way. I'll use my key, okay?"

"Okay."

"Don't hang up until one of us gets there, alright?"

"Okay."

So she waited, occasionally humming a response to one of them even though Drake was muttering angrily and Clementine had finished swearing in English and was trying out some kind of combination of French and Spanish for new curse words.

This was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to ask if you've got questions about it. Hopefully I've covered the overall idea I meant to for this chapter.  
> What do you think I should name the main samurai?


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter in text messages!

Mug Thief (19:26)

[IMG.6367]

WHAT IS HAPPENING

Mug Thief (19:28)

[IMG.1540]

But wait, there's more

Mug Thief (19:32)

[IMG. 1111]

[IMG. 1415]

IMG. 7858]

[IMG. 9943]

Mug Thief (19:33)

He's 'incubating' them. I tried to tell him that you don't even incubate flowers when they /are/ real

Mug Thief (19:34)

But /no/ it's all 'shut up replacement Alice made them'

Mug Thief (19:35)

Which explains exactly nothing, but I am looking forward to when B gets down here and finds out that he's brought what i would call a fuckton of flowers into the cave and dumped them everywhere.

Mug Thief (19:42)

Although in hindsight I should have seen it coming that Agent A would be the one to find them first

Mug Thief (19:50)

Update: they're putting them in pots. With dirt and everything. That is the bat cave's newest decoration. Never thought Hood would be the one to finally spruce up the place, especially when I've /seen/ his place.

Alice (20:30)

Oh my god he is an oblivious ass. That's the answer. There is no right in this word and red hood is an oblivious ass.

Mug Thief (20:32)

Uh.

Mug Thief (20:33)

Are you two fighting?

Alice (20:34)

No, he's just a dumbass.

Alice (20:34)

Oh right this is Clementine. Alice is sleeping.

Mug Thief (20:35)

At 8 on a weekend????

Alice (20:37)

Yeah panic attacks totally wipe her out and its been a while since she's had one this bad

Mug Thief (20:38)

Panic attacks? is she alright? Were you attacked? Hood just left to find more flowers but I can be there in ten tops

Alice (20:39)

Nah man hoods just an idiot

Alice (20:39)

brb

Mug Thief (20:43)

Not that it's new information, but what did he do this time?

Mug Thief (20:52)

Hello?

Alice (21:14)

Hi, this is Drake. You might want to call Hood back. Clementine left a little while ago and I'm pretty sure she's going to try to fight him.

Mug Thief (21:15)

While entertaining, I am still confused.

Alice (21:21)

Long story short, against my better judgement Alice told Hood something and Hood bailed without realizing that what she told him is something she's very insecure about. From what you've said I'm guessing that he's handling it well, which is all well and good until the point that he tries to come back and I need to decide whether or not he gets a sword to the face.

Mug Thief (21:23)

Okay. That's a weirdly specific weapon and I am now wondering if Robin is actually the one sending these messages

Mug Thief (21:24)

But you're not wrong that he seems fine, if I look past him shoving paper flowers at me and asking if it looks like it needs more water

Alice (21:25)

You've got to be kidding me. Tell him that flowers can't think so it doesn't apply.

Mug Thief (21:26)

To that very vague and rather weird statement he said that drones can't either

Alice (21:27)

It's a fucking computer you absolute numbskull.

Mug Thief (21:27)

Right and computers process information like thinking. I follow that. Also, numbskull? That's what you've got?

Mug Thief (21:28)

He's just sitting staring blankly into space now btw

Alice (21:29)

Honestly I typed fuckwit first but that seemed less refined.

Mug Thief (21:32)

Fuckwit is more refined than numbskull? HOW?

Alice (21:34)

I dunno.

Alice (21:35)

Clem just got back and told me to tell you to tell hood to stop hiding like a coward and fucking fight her.

Alice (21:36)

Oh, my bad.

Alice (21:36)

STOP HIDING LIKE A COWARD AND FUCKING FIGHT HER.

Mug Thief (21:38)

Yes, it's very important to properly capitalize

Alice (21:39)

I try. Here's Clementine again.

Alice (21:40)

DO YOU REMEMBER WHICH CONTACT IS HOOD

Mug Thief (21:42)

Um...

Mug Thief (21:43)

There was one that was Todd something, right? I think that one?

Alice (21:44)

K THANKS BYE

Mug Thief (21:44)

Bye?

* * *

Alice (21:45)

YO THIS IS CLEMENTINE ANSWER YOUR PHONE AND FIGHT ME

Clark Todd (21:46)

I am inclined to believe you have the wrong number.

Alice (21:46)

DON'T THINK YOU CAN HIDE FROM THIS YOU COWARD FUCKING FUCKER

Clark Todd (21:47)

See above message.

Alice (21:49)

Hi, this is Drake. Please pardon my girlfriend. But seriously. You're kind of an ass if you act like nothing happened.

Alice (21:50)

Although you're already that for not realizing that leaving would be a dick move.

Clark Todd (21:51)

Perhaps you should recheck your number.

Alice (21:51)

Dude, Alice has used this contact before. I literally saw her sending you memes. You're the one who put the contacts in the phone.

Clark Todd (21:52)

Alice?

Clark Todd (21:53)

Are you perhaps attempting to reach Red Hood?

Alice (21:54)

...you're not Red Hood.

Clark Todd (21:54)

That would be correct.

Alice (21:55)

Then who are you? RR said Clark Todd was Hood.

Clark Todd (21:56)

I am Batman.

Clark Todd (21:57)

Clark Todd?

Clark Todd (21:59)

I was under the impression that Ms. Vertur and Red Hood had a relatively positive relationship. Has something happened that I should be concerned about?

Clark Todd (22:03)

Hello?

Alice (22:07)

Sorry about that, Drake threw the phone under the fridge.

Alice (22:08)

We are very sorry for bother you. You definitely don't need to worry about it. As Alice's best friends we can one hundred percent fix this.

Alice (22:09)

On an unrelated note can I get a recording of your voice?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Approx. Play-by-play of this chapter: Clementine hears the phone buzzing repeatedly and goes in search of it. When she finds out that Red Hood is out and about, she leaves. Drake, realizing that his girlfriend hasn't come back from the kitchen, goes in and finds the phone. Clementine realizes that she has no idea where Hood would be and returns, demanding that they just text Hood instead but, given the coded names and the fact that Alice has cleared all of her conversations after each one, doesn't remember which is Hood. When they text 'Clark Todd' Drake eventually pries the phone from her hands and tells her to check on Alice while he tries to talk. Approximately around the point that Drake asks who he's talking to, he hears a very loud, "Oh, shit!" from the living room, followed by, "Abort, abort, get out of the chat, that's not Hood!" And, with excellent timing, Drake receives 'I am Batman' as Clementine barrels into the room with, "It's Batman!"  
> Cue both of them realizing that they just basically insulted Batman (and kind of his maybe son) to his face and Drake pitching the phone away, only for it to slide perfectly under the fridge. They deploy a samurai to retrieve it. Drake chants, "This is fine," while Clementine drops back into sound-producer-mode, which, really, Drake should have seen coming.


	16. Chapter 16

Clementine set down the Draw Two card and smiled sweetly at Drake. He looked at it, then set down another card on top of it, carefully avoiding looking at Alice. Without blinking, she placed a Draw Four on top of it, idly mentioning, "Blue."

Clementine gaped. "What the hell, you guys?"

She was saved from picking up the card by the samurai that was quickly becoming her favorite running into the room, pursued by Red Robin. The samurai kept going, passing her to climb up Alice's arm, and Red Robin watched it. Drake caught Clementine's arm, stopping her from going in search of Hood.

"Afternoon," Red Robin said, nodding to them before he looked at Alice. "Random question: what did you and Hood talk about?" Something in Clementine's brain short circuited and she reached for her phone, not taking her eyes off of Red Robin.

"What?" Alice asked, her tone carefully uncertain. "He didn't tell you?"

"Nope, just flower bombed us." Red Robin sighed. "But, he needed to be restrained, because he was talking about coming here and telling you his real name, which is generally not a good plan. So! What's up?"

Clementine stood. Drake's hand was slack around her arm, so she didn't need to do more than shrug off his grip. Without pausing, she grabbed Red Robin's cape thing and pulled him with her as she walked, faltering only a moment before she headed to the bathroom.

When she closed the door, he asked, "So why are you locking us in the bathroom? If you're about to kill me in a place that you can wash away the evidence, I warn you, I'm a biter."

Clementine didn't answer, pulling her earbuds out of her pocket. She fit each into her ear, opening SoundSync. It was a great app and she'd had loads of fun adjusting Richard's voice to almost match a deepened version of Bruce Wayne's. But, like Alice, she had recorded most of the filming, just in case she heard anything she wanted to make sure was included. Some lines were like that; her personal favorite was, "Dami, no, don't kill him!" which she thought quite fit Robin and would hint at Bruce Wayne's identity while suggesting that it was a family business.

Pushing her phone at Red Robin, she wasn't sure what to think. "I haven't officially heard you yet," she said. "Sound byte?"

He shrugged. "Sure. What do you want me to say?"

"That works." Clementine pulled the phone back, saving the file and navigating to the mixing screen.

"Really? Didn't you make Hood read all of his lines?"

Clementine didn't answer, listening to the overlapping voices.

"Not that I'm complaining. I only want to know what's up. It's hilarious, yeah, but I'm pretty sure B is going to explode. At least Agent A thinks it's funny."

Clementine pulled out the headphones. "Listen to this." She pushed it at him. "Here's what we've got for Batman. How's it sound?"

Red Robin took the offered earpiece and set it in one ear. Clementine pressed play. His eyes unfocused slightly as he listened, then he said, "Sounds good. Maybe a little more gravel to it, like he smokes eighty packs a day and then gargles sand."

"Okay. And here's what I just recorded from you."

He listened in silence, then nodded. "Sounds good!" He inclined his head. "Are you really going to put my voice over Lily's, though? Won't that be weird?"

Clementine shrugged noncommittally, only saying, "And here's another sample." She hesitated before pressing play, but when Red Robin made an inquisitive sound she let it play.

He nodded again when it stopped. "Sounds good," he repeated. "Did you make that just now?"

"Did it sound like you?" Clementine asked, even though that was a dumb question because she knew it did.

"Yep!"

Clementine leaned on the counter, covering her eyes with her hands. "What the fuck," she whispered.

"Are you alright?"

Clementine looked at him through her fingers. "Just, what the fuck? Richard, Richard I understand. He's a dork and I don't think he's even noticed, not even when I asked him to do this whole thing which is just  _hilarious_ but-" She pushed her phone into her pocket, accidentally pulling the other earbud out of Red Robin's, aka Tim  _fucking_ Drake, ear. "Aren't you supposed to be the smart one who realizes where this kind of thing is going?" she finally demanded.

Red Robin's eyes weren't quite visible, but his mouth was just slightly open in the textbook shocked-awe-face. "You...know?"

"I've known since sophomore year when I punched a mugger in front of Nightwing and he made a lame joke about how I must have an amazing teacher and then stood there laughing for two minutes!"

Tim fucking Drake winced. "That sounds like him."

"Oh god," Clementine gasped. "Oh, oh god. It  _is_ a family business."

"What? No."

"Don't even try, Mr. Drake," she hissed, and didn't miss his cringe. "We're making a movie about Batman saying that Bruce Wayne is Batman and Batman is actually Bruce Wayne because what are the fucking odds that it isn't- oh god."

"What now?" He sounded rightfully afraid to ask.

"Robin."

"Ah, you got there."

"Fucking Damien Wayne is Robin, isn't he?"

"No?"

"Oh my god." Clementine sat down beneath the sink. "Hood's not wrong. He is definitely a demon." She thumped her head against the sink. "Thank god for Hood's bucket; I don't think I  _want_ to know who Alice has been crushing on, especially when the odds are that he's related to you."

"You know you can't tell anyone," Red Robin said.

"No, no, unlike you lot, I am not an idiot."

"Normally I would be offended, but I can't really be mad when Dick doesn't even know you know. Wait, did you say that Alice has a crush on Hood? How'd that happen?"

"I know," Clementine groaned. "And  _my_ boyfriend has a total crush on Nightwing, so how do you think I feel?"

Red Robin clapped a hand to his mouth but it did not muffle the laugh. Before he could say anything, Clementine was on her feet again, pointing at him with burning eyes.

"You don't tell Alice," she said in a low voice. "Alice doesn't want to know. Alice doesn't want to know who you are, who your dad is, who your brother is, whoever your Red Hood is. Got it?"

"Uh."

"She doesn't want to know," Clementine repeated. "Got it?"

"Got it."

"Good." Clementine turned and opened the door. "Guys! I got a sound byte!" She trotted back to Alice and Drake.

"Lily can't sound like a guy," Alice replied with a slight frown, but Clementine waved her hand.

"It'll be fun to have one way or the other. Maybe I could do an Animated Batman movie!"

Drake laughed. "Just need an artist. Where's Red Robin?"

Clementine looked back, but he was either still in the bathroom or he'd left. "Must have left," she said. "Now, let's start a new game."

Alice gasped. "No, no, you still need to pick up your cards!"

"What? No, no, I don't remember that." Clementine winked at Drake, who sighed, rolled his eyes, but started reshuffling. Clementine grinned.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have reached the point of absolutely no clue what I'm going.

Clementine's phone was buzzing. Normally that wouldn't be a problem for Alice, but when Clementine had 'confiscated' Alice's phones so that she could intercept any messages and punch Red Hood and exchanged them with her own, it was becoming an annoyance. She grudgingly pulled it out, pausing the recording of the film that she had been running through.

She had thought that worst case scenario would be Drake sexting Clementine, though she had no idea, nor did she  _want_ to know, if he did. And, if he  _did_ , Alice hoped there wouldn't be any of those messages on  _her_ phone.

But, looking at the messages, Alice decided that she had underestimated the universe.

She tabbed out of the messages, even though there was certainly a notification on the sender's phone that informed them that they had been read, and navigated to the contacts to call herself, that is, her phone.

"Alice!" Clementine cheered.

"Stop moving," Alice replied, which was not the way you greeted someone. All the same, she was on her feet, stuffing her computer in her bag and walking for the library exit at the same time.

"I have stopped moving," Clementine reported dutifully. "Why?"

"Your parents are at your place."

Clementine was silent for a long, long moment. Then, for so long that Alice didn't know how she breathed, she said, " _Fuck_..."

"I have some of your nicer clothes at my place, I think," Alice continued, almost tripping on the last step down to the sidewalk. "And you can use my makeup."

"Okay. I'm heading over."

"They probably know that I, uh, you, read the texts."

"Fuck," Clementine repeated, with feeling.

"This is fine."

"Totally fine. Not like they have their perfect standard of me that I need to uphold that I am clinging to precariously by the fraying wire of existence as my one source of joy threateningly waves scissors nearby."

"Okay, you lost me somewhere in that metaphor."

Clementine only made a long whining sound in response. "I'm going to call Drake and let him know that today is a dress nice day."

"Okay. I'll make sure I look worthy of your company, too."

At that, Clementine released a long, deadpan sound that might have been a scream if it was louder. "Fuck," she said. "They're going to ask if you have a boyfriend yet."

"Can't I be in a comfortable polyamorous relationship with you and Drake?"

"God, I wish. That would be so nice though."

Alice smiled faintly. "It's fine if I don't have a boyfriend, right? Not like they control my life."

"No, but they might try to say that you're a-" Clementine broke off. "Shit! Drake dyed his hair!"

"Yes?" Alice paused. "Right. They won't like that."

"Are there any stylish hats that are in season right now?"

"What? I don't know."

"Fuck, me neither. But they will."

Alice paused at the slight echo and looked around, spotting Clementine's hair. She broke into a jog, hanging up even as she caught up and said, "Who's someone we know that would know?"

Clementine jumped, spinning, but relaxed quickly as they fell into step together. "I don't know. Who's a posh-kinda-asshole who's probably also rich enough to afford a stupid stylish hat?"

Alice thought for a moment. "Give me my phone." She reached out, making grabby hands until Clementine passed it over. She swiped through her contacts until she found the right one and started a message.

Alice (14:32)

What's in fashion right now in terms of hats that hide all hait?

*hair

"Who are you texting?" Clementine asked.

"Mr. Wayne."

In response, Clementine made a noise like a cat that had been stepped on. Then she laughed. "Right! He would totally know!"

"Hopefully he'll reply fast. You should call Drake."

Clementine nodded, punching in the number on her own phone. Alice let her hands fall to her sides as she walked, her bag a familiar weight on her back. After a moment, Clementine said, "Hey, babe, it's me. My parents are at my place so don't go there; Alice and I are heading back to hers to get ourselves looking like they want. Text me when you get this. Love you!"

"Voicemail," Alice said, starting it as a question and then correcting out of it.

"Yeah. He's probably studying for finals."

Alice nodded. "You only have one final, right? For your ethics class."

"Right. And you, lucky bastard, just have this yearlong thing."

"The rest of your grades are my yearlong thing," Alice pointed out, ducking an attempt to muss her hair. Clementine stuck out her tongue at the evasion, but moved out of Alice's way when she unlocked her door. They climbed the stairs, Clementine's hands knotting together as it settled in that her parents were visiting. By the time they were in the apartment and kicking off their shoes, her arms were shaking.

"It's my last year here," she said, a little too loud. "My last year, and then we're moving somewhere and getting  _discovered_ and we're going to be a team and Drake's going to be a bombing investigator and they can't stop me!"

"Damn straight," Alice replied. "You can go first. Your stuff should be toward the back."

"Okay. Thanks, Alice." Clementine slipped into Alice's room and shut the door.

Alice exhaled, long and low, looking down when she spotted a glint of metal at her feet. "Come on up," she said, and the samurai that Clementine had dubbed Li, as in Jet Li, clambered up her pant leg and shirt, stopping precisely on her shoulder. Its sword had been returned, but it hung at its hip rather than in one hand as all the rest did. "Anything to report?" she asked it, and was surprised when it pointed at the living room.

She walked over, stopping short to take in the fact that Red Hood was on her couch, either unconscious or dead. She stared. He wasn't visibly moving, and he was wearing the stupid bucket, so he probably hadn't been back to the Bat Cave. He had said that he had a healing factor, although he had kind of danced around it, and Alice had not envisioned him returning for the first time since she introduced him to the samurai to go like...this.

Carefully, she moved closer, until she could lift a gloved hand from where it was across his chest. He didn't so much as twitch as she pulled the glove off, pressing her fingers to his wrist to check for a pulse.

"You mind if I use your straightening iron?" Clementine asked from Alice's room. "Why do you have one, anyway? Your hair is straight." She pushed the door open, a blue dress that hugged her waist falling slightly from her shoulders, probably still needing to be zipped or buttoned up. She looked around, then her eyes landed on Alice and the hand she held. "What the fuck."

"I don't think he's dead," Alice said carefully. "Can you send a message to the contact that's Not-Drake?"

Clementine ducked out of sight, then returned, striding toward Alice. "Zip me up, then go get changed. I'll handle this," she said.

Alice set Hood's hand back on his chest and obligingly zipped the dress. The samurai jumped to Clementine's shoulder and Alice shut her bedroom door behind her, leaning on it for a moment as she stared at the ceiling and considered her life. The three samurai in her room had all turned their bodies toward the shuttered window, politely not looking while anyone changed.

Mechanically, Alice picked out a dress with a purple gradient, slipping it on. She reached back and buttoned the neck on her own, and one of the waiting samurai came over to tie the ribbon on the back into a neat bow. She grabbed the white and silver shoes that she usually wore with the dress and stepped out again.

"-not what I had in mind when he said he had somewhere to go," Nightwing was saying. "Thanks for the call." He glanced over at Alice, but didn't seem surprised by her outfit.

"I don't care if he stays here," Alice said. "I just don't know the first thing about proper medical treatment. What happened?"

"He got thrown through a building by Bane. It happens. He doesn't need to stay here. I'll get him to the cave."

Alice nodded slowly. "Clementine, let's finish getting ready."

"Right," Clementine agreed, and if she pushed Alice a little more than was necessary to get them into the bathroom, Alice didn't comment.

"Why is this my life?" Alice asked as she worked on organizing her hair into a braid. It was the best way to give her hands something to do.

"Fuck if I know," Clementine sighed. "I ask myself the same thing."

"I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel. Why would he come here, anyway? Like, okay. I'm fine with the whole skipping out thing. I'm totally fine. But passing out on my couch after being thrown  _through_ a building? That's not okay. I don't know how to react."

"He'll be fine. He's too stupid to die."

"Duh. But should I even worry? Why  _should_ I worry?"

Clementine sighed. "I don't know. I wish I could tell you."

Alice groaned. When her phone buzzed, it was a welcome distraction.

Mr. Wayne (14:53)

I can attach some links. How soon do you need it?

Alice (14:54)

Soon. Clementine's parents are at her place and expecting us.

They are...

not nice people.

The more reasons we can take away for them to judge any of us, the better.

Mr. Wayne (14:56)

I see.

Alice didn't realize that he still hadn't said anything until she had finished her braid, secured with crystalline clips that made her feel a little like Elsa, and makeup. Clementine had straightened her hair and applied makeup that seemed to darken her skin tone. She looked shocking and severe with the change, though it was in some part due to her obvious displeasure.

Alice (15:22)

Mr. Wayne? I'm sorry to bother you if you're busy, but sometimes I mean to send something and forget so I'm just making sure that's not what's happening.

Mr. Wayne (15:23)

It isn't.

Alice (15:27)

I don't understand what is, then?

Mr. Wayne (15:28)

Don't worry about it.

Clementine looked over her shoulder. "He's being suspicious," she said.

"He's probably just busy. I shouldn't be bothering someone like that about this anyway. Let's go see what hats I have," Alice sighed.

When they stepped out of the bathroom, Hood and Nightwing were both gone. So was one of Alice's cushions. She stared at its spot for a moment, then shook her head and joined Clementine in the search for hats.

They had picked out an official looking black one when Drake called Clementine and they headed out to meet him. He was already wearing a suit when they regrouped at the base of Alice's building and Alice offered the hat with a shrug. He shrugged back and took it, fitting it over his hair as best he could, and they set off to Clementine's apartment.

"I feel like I'm going to ask for their blessing," he said. "Or a funeral."

"A funeral would be better," Clementine muttered. "And babe, if you wanted a blessing, I wouldn't give a single flying fuck what they said. You'd need it from Alice."

Drake looked at Alice. She offered him a thumbs up. He blew her a kiss.

"What the hell," Clementine moaned as they approached her building, and Alice looked around to see a sleek black car blocking the steps. "I swear to god, if this is a test, I'm going to go ahead and get myself disowned. I'd only need to pay for myself for one more semester. I've got money saved. It'd work out."

"You can move in with me," Alice and Drake said at the same time, and fist bumped each other.

"Alice, you're practically living with Hood," Clementine muttered back, but didn't say anything to Drake's proposal which counted as a win.

"Hood show back up?" Drake asked in a murmur as they got ever closer to the car.

"Yeah. Unconscious. On my couch, which is now missing a cushion for reasons I worry are blood related."

Drake sighed. "I relate to that dog in the fiery room."

Alice tossed him a smile, only to run into Clementine when the other woman stopped short.

"What the hell," Clementine repeated, with a different note to her voice. "Alice, what's Bruce Wayne's license plate information?"

"What? I don't know. Why?"

In response, Clementine pointed at the back of the car. Alice looked around her to see that it read WAYNECAR.

"Huh."

"I feel like that goes over a character limit," Drake said. "But he's probably rich enough to not care."

"Is he in the car?" Alice asked.

None of them got the chance to answer, because the door to the building abruptly swung open and out walked Bruce Wayne, Clementine's mother clinging to his arm and laughing shrilly. Her father followed a moment behind, unruffled despite the slight wideness of his eyes.

Bruce Wayne stopped short and, with surprise that didn't quite ring properly in Alice's ears, said, "Oh! Ms. Monro, Ms. Vertur, Mr. Ororu! I do apologize for being late for our meeting!"

Alice recovered first. Maybe it had to do with the heroes showing up in her house. She stepped forward with a smile, back straight and eyes bright. "Not at all Mr. Wayne! I see you've met Mr. and Mrs. Monro!"

Clementine's mother tittered, her face flushed. "Clementine, my dear, I had no  _idea_ you were working with Mr. Wayne! You never mentioned it in your calls!"

"What calls?" Clementine asked flatly, and then went ashen when her parents scowled as one. "Oh, those calls," she said, unconvincingly.

"Well, shall we head to dinner?" Drake asked, planting himself between Clementine and her parents, shoulder to shoulder with Alice. "It'll be a bit early, but I'm sure you don't plan on staying long!"

"My, what happened to your hair?" Clementine's father asked.

When Drake faltered, Alice started to speak, but it was Mr. Wayne that said, "I confess, it was an oversight on my part. I-"

He didn't get to continue, both of Clementine's parents immediately rushing to profess how it worked.

In the next moment, though Alice wasn't quite sure how it had happened, they were all in Bruce Wayne's car, which turned out to be much larger than it looked. Alfred was in the driver's seat and they were moving without prompting. Alice considered the situation before her, made eye contact with Drake across the car, and, almost as a unit, they made the executive decision that tuning out was better than hearing Clementine's parents gush to Mr. Wayne.

If either one of them had been listening, they would have heard Bruce Wayne casually respond to a doubtful question with a merry, "Of course! Ms. Monro has proven herself to be quite reliable." But they weren't, and it wouldn't have meant anything if it did, but for a moment Bruce Wayne and Clementine Monro exchanged looks and, in that moment, an understanding was established. Nods were exchanged, brief and cordial, and that was all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope I didn't give Clem and Drake last names and forget.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what I'm doing.

"It's the end of the world, as we know it," Clementine sang in a low voice, waving to Mr. Wayne as he pulled away. Clementine's parents were clearly at _least_ tipsy, which had led to Mr. Monro loudly declaring that he desired a cake. When Mr. Wayne politely offered to buy a cake, Mr. Monro pointed at Alice and declared that he would only feast on something created by one of true worth, which would have been quite nice if it wasn't coming from him. All the same, they were at the bottom of Alice's building and Mr. and Mrs. Monro were telling Drake how proud they were of Clementine's accomplishments and how much they had done for her.

Alice knew that the only thing they'd given Clementine, aside from helping with school funding, for her entire college career was a bat-flashlight.

She led them up the stairs.

Opening the door to the apartment, Alice was alerted to the fact that there was something wrong when she found Li positioned at the door. Alice looked down at it, then turned quickly. "I am  _so_ sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Monro!" She made eye contact with Clementine. "I must have left the window open; I need to tidy up! It'll just be a moment!"

She caught a glimpse of Clem's wide eyes and then she hurried inside again, closing the door behind her. The window wasn't open, but Hood usually closed it behind himself and Li was already leading her to the couch again. There was Hood. Snoozing away. Again. At least he was wearing a hoodie.

Alice glanced at the door, then stepped forward and shook his shoulders. He didn't so much as stir. "Hood," she hissed. "You can't just come to my place like this. I have people over." She shook him again. "Wake  _up_!"

He did not wake up.

Alice stepped back, glaring at him. She looked at Li. Li looked back at her. "Alright," she said, and Li stood straighter. "I need you to stab him."

Li immediately rushed forward to do so, and if a faceless samurai could look eagerly delighted, he managed it. The sword drove into Hood's thigh, a little above the knee, and Hood immediately jolted and swatted at Li, who stabbed him in the hand in retaliation, in addition to jabbing the spokes of his helmet into the meat of Hood's thumb. Hood shouted and recoiled, then hissed, "Fuck," and raised his hand to his mouth.

"You need to get out," Alice said, and he jumped and looked quickly at her.

"What? But I need to talk to you."

"Clearly, but I'm told that you were thrown through a building so you should be resting, and you should be resting somewhere that is not  _here_ because Clementine's parents are here."

He twisted, looking around the dark apartment. "I don't see anyone."

"That's because they're still outside, and I don't know how much longer Mr. Wayne's charm-person spell is going to last. So get up, and get out." Alice pointed at the window.

"Charm-person?" Hood repeated, not getting up.

Alice growled and grabbed his arm, attempting to pull him to his feet. It probably wouldn't have worked, he was absurdly heavy, but he stood with her pull and she quickly stepped back to restore her balance. "Come back later," she instructed, pushing his back until he got the message and moved around the couch. Her cushion was back, she noted quickly.

"Are you suggesting that Bruce Wayne is a wizard?" Hood asked, walking far too slowly.

"More like a siren. I've never seen those bastards smile and you'd have thought he'd told them that he was adopting Clem."

"Don't give him ideas. He'd do it."

"And he'd probably be better than them. Can you  _please_ walk like a normal person?"

"That would suggest that I'm a normal per-"

The lights flicked on. Alice froze. So did Hood.

"Oh, my," said Mrs. Monro.

"Who is he?" asked Mr. Monro. "He can't have my cake."

"There's cake?" Hood asked.

"Alice?" Mrs. Monro questioned, frowning dangerously. Clementine and Drake were close behind them, identical expressions of panic on their faces. "Who is this?"

Alice looked at Red Hood. Red Hood waved unhelpfully. "He's my actor," Alice said, because it was true.

"Your actor?" Mrs. Monro parroted.

"For my movie."

"Oh, you mean that silly little thing that Clementine is doing about the lunatic in a bat costume?"

"Mom!"

"Excuse you," Red Hood said.

"Hood," Alice hissed, and he shut up.

"What did you call him?" Mr. Monro asked. "Food?"

Alice looked at Drake and Clementine for help and Drake blurted, "Fido."

"Fido? Isn't that a dog's name?"

"Sure," Hood said, apparently deciding that he would be helpful. "My parents really wanted a dog, but instead they got me. It was a big shock, gotta say." Or not.

"You let one of your actors into your house?" Mrs. Monro asked dubiously.

Alice considered dropping that he had gotten her, and therefore Clementine, in touch with Bruce Wayne, but that would require explaining how Hood knew Bruce Wayne, which as far as Alice knew he did not. She was fairly sure that he had delivered the letter by breaking into Wayne Manor, actually. Clementine and Drake looked equally panicked.

"Well, I let Drake into my place, too, sometimes," Clementine said, but before she could add anything to it Mr. Monro clapped his hands together.

"Oh!" he shouted, too loud in the room. "This is your boyfriend, then!"

Hood stiffened, elbows slamming against his sides. "Alice and I aren't-"

"It's about time," Mrs. Monro cut him off, stalking forward. "This girl was going to end up one of those mad women who go around raving about their ridiculous ideas if she stayed alone much longer, I swear. Now, let me see you. I should hope that she has standards." She reached out and Alice moved without thinking, grabbing onto one of Hood's hoodie ties and yanking it, making part of the hood tighten around his face.

"Sorry, Mrs. Monro, but he's a bit unkempt at the moment," she said in a rush. "I'm sure that there will be time later. I forgot to tell him that you were coming and he hasn't had time to wash up!"

"Yep," Hood agreed. "No time to wash up. In fact, I should head out."

"That sounds like a great idea," Alice agreed, and when she pushed him toward the door, not the window, he went.

Mrs. Monro followed him with suspicious eyes. "Of course. Then we'll see you tomorrow for lunch before we leave?"

"I'm not sure," Hood answered without turning. "Work is busy, never know when I'll get called."

"Oh, you're employed? What do you do?"

Hood made a sound like he was dying. "I  _really_ have to go," he said, and then bolted. The door banged closed behind him.

"What does he do?" Mrs. Monro asked, turning to Alice, who looked at Clementine again for help. Then she remembered what Clementine had said that led to this and looked at Drake.

Drake did not look excited to be the subject of Alice's pleading stare, but what did he expect her to do? She hadn't had time to write a script for this, and even if she had she probably wouldn't have stayed true to it. "He's a fighter," he said, voice high and stressed when Mrs. Monro looked at him, too.

"A fighter?" Mrs. Monro echoed, distaste wrinkling her nose.

"A firefighter," Alice added. "It's why you couldn't see his face!"

"Char, everywhere," Clementine agreed. "Just, he'll come in with ash all over him, sometimes."

"There weren't any fires tonight," Mr. Monro said with a frown.

"It's Gotham," the trio said in perfect unison. "There's always something on fire."

Alice wanted to go to bed. Instead she stayed awake and made a cake, and even though Mr. Monro whined, it was only a single layer, and it was served with whipped cream and not frosting from scratch.

At least they were leaving tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come yell at me on tumblr for not knowing what I'm doing https://silverskyofshadow.tumblr.com/


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this whole thing with Clem's parents is gonna be four chapters just cuz idk how I want to split it up so I'm stopping at what feels like a good point for each. This is the third, next is clearly fourth, and with that Clem's horrible parents will be gone, possibly forever!

In hindsight, Dick should have ducked out of Batcave, or even Gotham, as soon as Bruce, not Batman, came storming into the cave and attempted to burn holes in his computers with a latent laser vision trait. Instead, he stuck around and chatted with Tim, and Bruce kept glaring at the dark screens without actually doing anything. His fingers would twitch toward the keys, then he would sit back.

And then Jason came in, hoodie pushed back and domino mask off and demanded, to the cave as a whole, "What the  _fuck_?"

In an instant, Bruce was also up. "You met them," he said, and it wasn't a question.

"Yeah, I fucking met them," Jason barked. "What the  _fuck_ are those people?"

"The Monro's own a small business related to speakers and other related hardware," Bruce answered, and there was a low fury to his voice that had the attention of everyone else in the cave. "They intended for their daughter to inherit their business but she took an interest in their wares in a different way. I have spent the better part of the evening interacting with these people as they tell me just how little they appreciate a young woman wise enough to know us-" Dick winced, as did Tim, but Bruce didn't even look at them, "-and listened as they addressed all three of them as though they were personal servants." He paused. "Worse than that."

"Well whatever good influence you had, I probably balanced it out," Jason shouted, but Dick knew him well enough that he could tell that he was only shouting because he wasn't punching something. "They called Alice's movie  _silly_ and  _fuck_ they managed to piss me off when they called you a lunatic in a bat costume! And don't even get me started on what they said when-" He cut himself off, inhaling deeply. "Tell me we have something on them."

"I ran a cursory check before I went and there was nothing that attracted my attention," Bruce said, and damn, he sounded downright  _grim_. "While I only attended the dinner with them to observe for any discrepancies in Clementine's attitude given her newfound knowledge," there, he did shoot a glare at Tim and Dick, "I have developed a newfound appreciation for Ms. Monro's personality."

"No fucking shit! How did  _they_ make  _her_? Maybe Alice made her. I bet Alice could do it." Jason looked over at one of the pots he'd gotten, stuffed with paper flowers. Dick still didn't know what was going on there, and Jason refused to tell him. "Oh, by the way, they think I'm dating Alice."

Bruce blinked once, a long, long, blink.

"None of them can lie for shit and I froze up," Jason continued. "Clem's DNA donors invited me to lunch, but it was more like an order, so I don't know what the  _fuck_ I'm going to do there, on account of, you know, secret identities, even if I was the only one that managed to keep mine."

Tim sidled up to them, Dick close behind. "Yeah, hi," he chirped. "What's going on?"

And Bruce told them, Jason adding his own part when Bruce finished.

Dick frowned thoughtfully. "I've got an idea," he said slowly.

* * *

It was far too early to be awake, but Dick was skidding down the stairs anyway. He flung open the front doors and beamed at Clementine, Alice, and Drake, all of them dressed like they were about to attend a gala. Alice stared past him, taking in the manor, but Clementine simply pulled her forward and Drake took up the rear. Dick tried not to stare as they passed, but there was a steely blankness to Clementine's face that didn't suit her.

"Thanks for this," he said, waiting next to Dick. "How, uh, how much do you know? Did Clem tell you any of this stuff when you were teaching her?"

Dick paused, processing the question, then shook his head. "No, she didn't," he responded. "Bruce filled us in. Want to get breakfast and then look at hats, or hats and then breakfast."

"Hats and then breakfast okay?" Drake ran a hand through his dark hair. His roots weren't showing in the slightest and Dick was a little impressed by that, given the time that had passed. "I still can't believe I'm in Bruce Wayne's house."

Dick grinned. "Pretty great, huh? Come on." He led Drake down the hall, briefly checking that Alfred had collected the girls. They were muttering to each other, both of them looking at their phones. "What's with them?" he asked.

Drake glanced over. "They're looking for someone that's free to be Alice's fake boyfriend," he explained. "Our best bet was Milo, one of the guys in the movie, but he's out of town."

Dick thought he  was pretty good at playing dumb. Maybe he was wrong, but maybe he was right. "Why does she need a fake boyfriend?"

Drake frowned thunderously. He almost looked like a bat-kid, like that. "One of Alice's friends got involved in a misunderstanding. Now she's expected to bring him to lunch or Clem's mom will get on a rave about how Alice is becoming 'one of those radical feminists and corrupting Clementine with her lesbian urges'." He glanced at Dick. "For the record, Alice is not a lesbian, and even if she was, Clem's parents are uneducated dung beetles that'd love to tell you how smart they are while spouting utter bullshit."

Dick stared at him for a little longer than was probably polite. While it had been the plan to get the topic introduced to conversation, he hadn't expected everything that came with it. He did make a mental note of the apparent fact that Jason, who would not be attending the breakfast for reasons related to Clementine's apparently very keen eyes and ears, was considered Alice's friend by her friends, which would suggest that Alice also considered him a friend. Hm.

But! He had an objective to reach! So, he innocently asked, "What kind of boyfriend is she looking for?"

"Someone who knows shit about firefighting and doesn't mind pretending to be named Fido," Drake responded, which was not what Dick saw coming.

"Uh," he said coherently. Then, "What?"

"Yeah, we kinda panicked after Ho-" Drake coughed, "-excuse me, Fido got out and said that he was a firefighter. At least all he did was crack some lame thing about not being what his parents wanted, though I guess it was kinda funny, or it would've been if the situation was different."

Dick struggled with the statement. There was a lot to unpack, there. Most of it he'd need to unpack with Jason. He refocused on the mission. "Well, I don't know much about firefighting, or being named Fido, but I owe Clementine a few favors. If you can't find anyone, I can hop in."

Drake looked up at him. "You'd need to talk to them about it, but you won't see me refusing."

Dick nodded, pushing open the door to his room and crossing to the closet. He glanced at Drake's suit, chuckling at Drake's very obvious attempt to not obviously stare at everything, and grabbed a hat that would complement the suit's gray. He tossed it to Drake, who didn't even fumble, and led the way out again. "So," he said, because he couldn't resist. "I hear you're a Nightwing fan."

Drake lit up. "Yeah, I am! He's so cool! I grew up in Bludhaven and..." He kept talking, but some part of Dick was cringing away from the words. Yeah, Jay had mentioned that. It'd only been a brief conversation, just a mention of it, but Alice had apparently told him a bit of Drake's 'tragic backstory' without a fight, so it probably wasn't private. Drake stopped talking abruptly when they reached the kitchen, jogging over to Clementine and pressing a kiss to her temple.

She turned to him and smiled, but she looked tired and worn out. Alice glanced up, yawned into her hand, and went back to scrolling through her phone. Drake leaned between them and spoke quietly and, after a moment, the girls looked over at Dick, both of them flashing appreciative smiles, though Clementine's was more of a grin that said, _I totally know you're bailing out your buddy_. She wasn't wrong, so Dick just grinned back and departed to see if Alfred needed help.

He didn't, but that meant that Dick got to be in the room when Bruce shuffled in with a cup of coffee, Damien and Tim trailing behind him. Bruce knew that the group was going to be there, but that didn't stop him from stopping short and squinting. For a moment, Dick was bewildered, then he realized that Bruce was staring at Drake. Apparently unaware that he was being watched, because he turned and looked at Tim and Damien, then looked at Dick. He squinted again at Drake, then blinked quickly and straightened, recognition flooding his face.

The trio hadn't recognized his arrival, so Dick slid over to Bruce before they could. "What was that?" he asked curiously. "You've met Drake before, haven't you?"

Bruce nodded. "I have. Just saw him and thought I'd gotten another one."

The meaning clicked fast enough and Dick slammed a hand over his mouth to muffle his laughter. Well, if Drake wanted to look like Nightwing, it did technically mean he would look like a bat-kid. 

The rest of breakfast passed without issue and Dick was pretty sure that Drake was going to become one of them soon anyway, with the way Damien took to him. When it came time to clean-up he turned and found that only Alice remained, and at his inquisitive stare she said, "Damien took Drake to see his animals and Clementine went with them. Her parents got to talking about how Drake is too good for her and they need each other right now."

Dick looked over at the empty doorway. "Fuck 'em," he said at last, and Alice smiled and passed him a plate.

"I think he's planning something," she continued. "And knowing him, I think I know what it is. It'll be...interesting."

Dick raised an eyebrow. "You can't just tease me with that," he pouted. "Alfred and I can keep a secret, right, Alfred?"

"Certainly, Master Grayson," the butler replied, accepting the plates Dick handed to him.

"Well." Alice smiled faintly, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. Her samurai earrings didn't match her dress. Dick doubted they matched anything. "We'd said it as a joke earlier, but he asked me again after, and I gave him my blessing." Her smile widened and she ducked her head with a laugh. "Gotta say, I never thought that I'd have friends that respect my opinions more than they respect their parents, but, here I am, apparently a reliable enough judge of character that it means something when I tell my best friend he can marry my other best friend."

Dick beamed, and when he looked at Alfred, the man looked subtly pleased, too. "That's awesome! Now I've gotta be your fake boyfriend so I can see it!" he declared, dropping into the chair beside her and swinging an arm across her shoulders. "Alice," he said, deepening his voice, "ever since I first saw you, I have fallen down the rabbit hole of love."

"Is that an Alice in Wonderland joke?" she asked, eyes alight with mirth.

"Maybe. I can make a firefighter joke, too. The desire in my heart burns brightly for you, and not even my coworkers could put it out!"

"That's so bad," Alice laughed, her hand pressed over her mouth to muffle the sound. "I would never be caught dating someone who says things like that!"

Dick waved a hand. "Please," he cooed. "My jokes unlocked the door, no, the  _dog_ door, to your heart!" He sat up, grinning at the burst of laughter at his amendment. "Fido, though. Really? Never met a Fido."

"It's a joke, not his real name," she said with a laugh. "We panicked."

"So it seems," Dick agreed sagely. "Great job, though! Go big or go home, right?"

"Ugh, I wish  _they'd_ go home," she sighed, then looked at Bruce and Tim. "Thank you again for all of your help, Mr. Wayne. I really appreciate it."

"Of course," he replied. "I've been meaning to ask; how did you deliver your letter? It appeared rather suddenly on my desk."

Alice sat straighter, her eyes wide. "The actor playing Red Hood offered to deliver it for me. I'm not sure how he got it to you, though. Sorry." It occurred to Dick that he knew that expression. That was a trademark,  _I'm going to kill him._ He loved it.

Bruce didn't respond, only nodded, but he, too, wore an,  _I'm going to kill him_ , face. Ooh, Jay was in for it, bigtime.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: you'll like how Hood handles this  
> Jason: doesn't handle it


	20. Chapter 20

Alice glanced over at Richard as they walked, reminding him, "You can back out at any time. They'll buy that there's an emergency. We told them last night it might happen."

He smiled brightly, the arm swung around her shoulders patting reassuringly on her bicep. "It's fine! You sure this is okay?"

"If I didn't want you touching me, I'd tell you," Alice replied, entirely unreassured. "I appreciate that you checked, though."

"Course, Alice. I intend to be an absolutely fantastic fake boyfriend." He grinned, lifting his head when Drake and Clementine slowed in front of them. Alice looked ahead at Clementine's parents, who were regarding them with pinched mouths and narrowed eyes.

"I'm so sorry your name is now Fido," she muttered as they approached, and Richard laughed.

"I'll live," said the man that answered to  _Dick_. Alice still wondered how language had shifted enough that Richard could become Dick.

"Ah, you must be Fido!" sneered Mrs. Monro, and Alice, for a moment, very seriously considered just stabbing her with a samurai. No one could prove it was her. This was Gotham.

"That's me!" Richard replied brightly, extending a hand to shake.

They looked at his hand like it was a particularly unsettling snail. "Yes," Mr. Monro said slowly. He had sunglasses on and Alice suspected he was suffering from his drinking the night before. "Let's go in, then."

They walked into the building, brief insult flashing across both of them when Drake waited until they were inside to step forward and hold open the door for Clementine, Alice, and Richard. Alice met Drake's eyes and smiled reassuringly. He mouthed,  _I'm so nervous._

Alice patted his shoulder and they stepped inside. They were lead right to a table and Drake stepped away with a vague excuse of washing up. Alice glanced at Clementine and found that the redhead was smiling ever so slightly, her hands folded together on the table.

"So, Fido, how did you and Alice meet?" Mrs. Monro asked. "How long have you been together? Are you worried that your job will get in the way of your relationship? Do you think you can trust her to remain faithful given your line of work?"

"Mom," Clementine said sharply, while Richard stared at Mrs. Monro.

"I trust her," he said after another moment, smiling again. "She's never given me a reason not to. Alice is very reliable."

Mr. Monro hummed and Mrs. Monro scoffed, "Reliable? Really? Clementine's reports have told me plenty to the contrary."

Clementine turned to look at her mother, squinting. Alice took a careful sip of the water that had been placed at their table.

"Really?" Dick asked, his eyebrows lifting. "I can't imagine what gave you that impression."

"Well, anyone that would waste so much time on pointless endeavors can't be trusted to take anything seriously!" Mrs. Monro shook her head once, her hair scattering about her ears. "I don't know why anyone in Gotham likes that madman. He should just turn himself in to the proper authorities! I can't believe anyone agreed to act in that."

Alice looked at the waitress that had stopped short behind the elder Monros. They made eye contact and Alice tried to convey her apologies.

"Oh, I'm playing Batman," Richard said brightly, pulling Alice back to the question. She must have missed a question, though Richard may have also just said it to point out his involvement.

"Hm," Mr. Monro hummed.  Drake slipped back into his seat and pressed a kiss to Clem's cheek. She smiled at him, her hands unknotting and linking with his. Mr. Monro continued, "At least you support your partner."

The waitress set bread rolls on the table.

"Thank you?" Richard was still smiling. Alice had no idea how he did it.

"It's quite disappointing that we can't say the same for our daughter," Mr. Monro continued, and Drake paused in lathering butter across one half of his bread roll, doing an excellent job for performing the action one handed.

"What was that?" he asked innocently, and Clementine shot a worried look at him.

"She told us that you never intended to stay here," Mrs. Monro said imperiously. "If she truly intended to take your relationship seriously, I see no reason why she didn't leave with you."

Alice made eye contact with the waitress again. The restaurant was fairly empty, but she had apparently decided to wipe down tables right next to them. A few of her coworkers had, too, and Alice idly wondered if they had begun to linger because of Drake's proposal. She suspected that he had asked someone to bring it to their table while he was gone and had gotten them invested. A nice lunch with family and friends was popular for a public proposal.

If only. Maybe Alice should call her parents in to do some kind of damage control after they left. They'd be happy to smother Clem in love and celebrate the engagement properly.

"That's kind of a double standard, isn't it?" Drake asked carefully, and Alice returned her focus to him. "I mean, I chose to stay. She didn't make me do that."

"Darling," Mrs. Monro sighed, "you are an adult, and it's time you seriously consider your future! Surely, you don't want your future to be..." She shot a look at Clementine, who had become very interested in the table.

Richard's arm slid from Alice's shoulders and his back pulled straighter, but Alice jabbed him in the side. It wasn't especially strong, but it had the intended effect of stopping him from acting out whatever he'd been about to do.

She watched Drake, his shoulders pulled back and his head up, eyes on the elder Monros, and without looking away from them he said, "Hey, Clem, let's get married."

"Yeah, okay," Clementine replied. Her head snapped up. "Wait, what?"

"Let's get married," Drake repeated, meeting her gaze. "I already gave the ring to the chef but I can get it back in a second. So let's get married."

The waitress scurried away.

"Alice is my maid of honor," Clementine replied.

"Alright. I can come up with a backup plan for best man."

"Cool. Let's get married."

"Awesome."

Clementine reached out and took a piece of bread. Her parents stared, mouths hanging open as if unhinged. "Spring wedding? Like, after we graduate?"

"Right after, or a year after?" Drake took a casual bite of his bread. He wasn't doing as well at pretending Clementine's parents weren't there anymore, but that could only be said because his eyes kept darting to them, assessing them for reactions.

"Probably the year after," Clementine replied. "I'll want to invite our friends, and it'll be nice for everyone to have a little more financial stability before we ask something like that." And then she dropped the bomb: "Alice, you think one of your parents would mind walking me down the aisle, or do you just want to be the one to do it?"

Mr. Monro gasped. Mrs. Monro, who had picked up her glass, dropped it. Its corner hit the edge of the table and it fell on its side, rolling forward as water spilled out of it. It rolled off the table and shattered. The faint noise of other patrons dropped away.

The waitress returned with the ring, stepping around the shattered glass. Alice sat up straighter to see it.

"Drake," she began, then paused, frowning.

"Yeah, apparently mom had sent it to be cleaned like, a week before," he said brightly. "They called me up...after. I didn't tell you guys?"

Alice shook her head slowly while Clementine stared. Drake had a picture of his parents in his wallet, all three of them wrapped in an embrace while Drake beamed at the camera. The wedding ring his mother wore was distinctive in its brilliance; not a diamond but a ruby with sapphires wrapped around it. It was the only time Alice had seen the ring, and she had always assumed that it was either destroyed or...quarantined, or whatever was done with radioactive waste, assuming that wasn't also some form of quarantine.

Clementine let him slide the ring onto her finger, and Alice abruptly realized that the redhead had turned her back on her parents completely, facing only Drake with a vague angle of her shoulders to include Alice and Richard. There was something strange to the set of Richard's face, so Alice shifted to get a better look at him, but she still couldn't read the expression there. It looked a little like regret, which was odd, and maybe something relieved, which may have been some kind of secondhand emotion that he was picking up from one of them.

Mrs. Monro pushed her chair back suddenly, almost hitting the waiter that was cleaning up the glass. "Clementine, call us when you have had more time to consider," she said sharply. And then, looking at Richard, "I recommend you leave while you still can. As you can see, nothing good will come of that girl." She strode out.

Mr. Monro stood a little more slowly, apparently self aware to realize that the situation was not leaning in his favor. He looked between them for a moment, then coughed and said, "You make excellent cakes. It's not too late for a change in career." He followed his wife without saying a word to his daughter.

"Well, that was almost a compliment," Richard said, watching him go. "Congratulations," he added to Drake and Clementine.

"Thanks," Clementine answered brightly. "For everything. We'll send you an invitation when we decide a date."

"Do you think Damien would let me use his cow as the ring bearer?" Drake asked, and Alice buried her face in her hands and laughed at the spluttering response from Richard.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short one.

Li glared at the man. The man didn't notice Li's glare, but Li was more than accustomed to that. The man paced across the Maker's home as though it belonged to him, treading by Li's kin without looking at any of them, though they were all watching him. He tugged back his hood and ran a hand through his hair and tapped his fingers on the mask around his eyes. Li studied his hands as they moved, watching the man mutter to himself in a voice that Li didn't care to comprehend.

There were only three voices that Li cared to hear. The first was the Maker's. Hers was a voice that Li would always know, and would always obey. Hers was a kind voice, and though she had not taken back her permission to strike, Li would not attempt to cut down the man because he had come to realize that the man made the Maker happy. It was not a pleasant realization, but Li accepted it.

The other two voices were less common, but they were ones that held pieces of the Maker's heart within them. They were worthy of Li's attention, and if they asked something of him, he would be more likely to obey, especially the Namer.

The man stopped in front of Li, looking at the door. Li followed his gaze, grip shifting on his sheathed sword. The Maker had granted him a new sword, but as he had been granted a place of honor upon her shoulder at times, he had decided that it would be hazardous to her health to have it unprotected and constructed a sheath with a member of the equipment room's paper unit. He shuddered at the memory of his accidental stabbing of the Maker.

Li resumed his study of the man's hands. Li's arms and hands were constructed with armor that he could not remove, not that he would want to. His helmet was the only thing that could conceivably be removed, though Li had no interest to try as of yet. He possessed an opposable thumb, but the rest of his hand was closed in and Li was unable to move independent fingers. While it had not posed a problem yet, Li suspected it would improve his ability to use his sword and perform other tasks to assist and protect the Maker.

He extended one hand, examining it. It would be possible for him to simply cut new fingers, but there was something to the point that didn't sit quite right within his mind. He curled his thumb, glancing at the man's thumb to ensure that the movement was the same. He observed the other fingers curling, the persistent bend of the smallest finger that never seemed quite straight, and attempted to bend a single finger on his right hand.

The entire thing moved.

Li glowered at it and tried again.

He was still unsuccessful when the door opened and the Maker stepped in, the dress that she was unhappy to wear sweeping around her. The man spoke and she held up a hand. He stopped.

"Go sit down, Hood," she said. "I'm going to change."

The man obeyed.

The Maker walked to Li, stopping in front of him. Li lowered his hand and climbed up to her shoulder when she offered her hand. "You know, if the Wayne pets fall through, you might be ring bearer. Not sure how we'd pull it off, though." She walked into the equipment room and set Li down again on the table beside her resting spot. He turned to the metal unit that his position had placed him in charge of and they obediently turned away from the Maker.

Li did the same, focusing on his hand again. There were small slits that he hadn't noticed at the top of the collection of what would be four fingers. Li pulled his hand closer to his body and checked his other hand to see the same thing. He pulled on one of the slits and his hand split, metal shavings falling to the table. He stepped back quickly, startled, then stopped and looked again. He curled his hand and the new segment curled with it.

He leapt from the table and rushed to the others of his unit, showing them the new finger. They crowded around him and watched as he pulled the rest of his fingers free, excess metal drifting to the ground. It was vaguely reminiscent of the skin of a long, scaled creature that Li had seen when the Maker left the screen on for him in the night. The channel was devoted entirely to animals and the Maker understood that Li enjoyed it.

He turned his new hand about, showing them the new fingers. His metal was slightly off colored at the edges and they all poked curiously at it, but it was smooth and moved normally with his will. Li let them separate the new fingers on his other hand, making sure to keep the excess contained to one small pile. Once his fingers were freed, he collected the metal and carried it to the trash container by the door.

"Li?" the Maker questioned and he turned to see her checking under the table. He called out to her and she turned, smiling again. "There you are. Everything alright?"

He held up his hands and her eyes widened. She did not pick him up; she had not picked any of them up since Li showed displeasure at it, but she lowered her hand to him far faster than normal. He stood on her palm, holding onto her thumb to keep himself steady as she raised him to her face.

"That's new," she said, and Li turned his hand for her as he sent her his delight. "Did I do something to cause that?"

Li shrugged. The Maker studied him a moment more, then raised her hand to her shoulder. Li took his customary position and the others in his unit waved to him. She let him down before the couch and sat down, legs crossed as she faced the man.

"You can't keep coming in without warning me," she said, and Li looked across the couch at the one of the members of the paper unit watching. They nodded at each other. "I'm not the only one with keys to this place, and the fact is that when I asked you to leave last night, you didn't. And that isn't okay. Maybe you were being funny about it, or you had something you wanted to say, or maybe being thrown through a building made you want to jump across rooftops a little less, but this is my home. This is a place where I am in control, and I can say who stays and who leaves. I won't block the dog door. It's there for a reason. But starting now, when you come in here, it'll be through the door. That goes for all of your family. And if you come in again while I'm not here, or without asking me first, they all have permission to attack you and they won't stop unless you thoroughly destroy them or I call them off, which won't happen if you break in."

Sensing a cue, Li drew his sword and pointed it at the man. He could feel the Maker's nerves, but her hands were steady where they were laced in her lap. Her back was straight and she faced the man with confidence and didn't look away when he spoke.

The paper unit member drew Li's attention and questioningly held up its hand, the same structure Li's used to be. Li obligingly offered his method, making sure to include the Maker's contact. He didn't know if the Maker's wonder would also lend to change, but it didn't hurt to include  _any_ examples of the honor he received. Delight and awe were offered in response, and then a request to share. Li nodded and movement about the home alerted him to the spread of information.

"Good!" the Maker said, clapping her hands together. She took a deep breath, smiling. "I  _can_ follow a script."

The man laughed.

Li considered him as the two spoke. Perhaps he should allow the man's words to be heard. He would likely be around more, and, Li supposed, none of their units would exist if he had not begun to interact with the Maker.

He glowered at the man. He didn't want to listen. He didn't like the man, or any of the others like him.

"Fine, fine," the Maker sighed, waving a hand. "But you owe me." She stood and Li caught her shirt and climbed as she passed.

He stood on her shoulder and faced the man. The man frowned at him. Li used his new fingers to mime cutting a throat and the man's mouth fell open.

The kitchen's paper unit members were all laughing when the Maker set to work on her latest creation and Li trotted over to sit next to the lone metal one atop a forgotten book belonging to the Namer. They nodded to each other and the other one showed Li his fingerless hand, bending it pointedly. Li shrugged and showed off his own hand, and they sat side by side as the Maker and the man cooked slabs of bread and cheese.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was trying to think of how to do this and couldn't so I tried a different angle. Btw, Li can send Alice feelings and ideas of things. She isn't consciously aware of it yet, and Li is the only one that can do it because of that time when he stabbed her. Blood connections between creator and creation are nifty.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know how this ends, so would you guys rather I wait to update until I have some kind of stable outline, or would you rather I update every time I manage to capture the plot bunny? Otherwise, it might just be little blurbs like this...

Fido (10:24)

Okay, let me get this straight.

You tell me to ask when I'm coming over, and when I  _do_ ask, you reveal that you're not in the dorms.

When will you be back?

Oh, when WINTER BREAK IS OVER

Alice (10:26)

What I'm hearing is that you don't know your dates

And that if we hadn't had that conversation, you would be sitting on my couch thinking, 'huh, i wonder where Alice is'

Fido (10:27)

I have confirmed that break has not started yet!

???????????

Alice (10:28)

Didn't we talk about how I was final-free? I left early.

Fido (10:28)

WHY

Alice (10:29)

1\. Because it's my life and I can do that without asking you for permission?

2\. Because I miss my parents and need to help them set up a room for Clem and Drake when they come

3\. I have a date

She waited, but Hood didn't respond. When a french fry drifted by her nose, she looked up and smiled. "Hey, Skippy."

"I bought you french fries and this is how you repay me?" he retorted with an exaggerated pout, and then sidled closer to ask, "Who're you texting? Your boyfriend?"

"You wish, Sparky." Alice lifted the carton from his hands. "It's not even eleven, you know."

He huffed, holding up his hands. "Hey, I've got a fast metabolism!" He snatched a fry, despite having a container of his own. "But seriously, who're you texting? Don't the newlyweds have exams?"

"Come on, Zips, I have other friends." Alice crushed a fry between her teeth, relishing the crunch of excess salt. "I'll give you a hint. You probably know him."

Wally's eyebrows shot up. "So it  _is_ a him," he hummed, shoulders wiggling meaningfully until Alice pinched the bridge of his nose and pushed him away. He squawked indignantly and tumbled back with far more drama than was strictly necessary, but, really, if Wally West asked her out, Alice had to be prepared for that. "So I know him?" he repeated, hooking an arm behind his head and squinting skyward.

"Well," Alice admitted. " _You_ don't know him, but Sparkles does."

Green eyes shot toward her, blown wide in astonishment. "What are you, some kind of magnet?"

"I don't _actually_  know who he is," Alice offered. "And I don't want to. I doubt I'll find out, anyway. He always comes to my place and I doubt he's as likely to just," she mimed pushing back a hood, "as you are. He actually, you know, looks around, first."

"It was  _one time_!" Wally wailed. "But, but-but-but, rewind!" His hand slashed through the air, little more than a blur. "He comes to your apartment? Like, in Gotham?"

"Unless I have another apartment I don't know about," Alice confirmed. "Eat your fries while they're still hot."

She regretted the order when Wally proceeded to demolish the entire container as though he was interviewing for the newest part of the Big Bad Wolf. He tossed the container into the trash and reached into his bag to pull out a burger that he took a large bite of, then, mouth still full, asked, "Is it Nightwing? He's awesome!"

"It's not Nightwing, though I have his number, too." Alice held up the phone to show the bat sticker on the back to Wally. He snickered.

"Red Rob?" Alice shook her head. Wally groaned, "Not little Rob?"

"Not him, either."

Wally frowned, ketchup smeared on the side of his face. "The Batman's a little old for you, Alice."

She flicked his forehead. "It's not Batman. Red Hood helped me out and we're friends now. Or something like friends."

Slowly, he lowered his third burger. Swallowed. "Red Hood," he repeated.

"Yep."

"Hold this." He shoved the bag into her arms and disappeared in a burst of the Speed Force, one more thing that Alice tried not to think about. She peered into the bag, considering stealing the pickles from his burgers, but before she could make a decision her phone buzzed.

Fido (10: 43)

You know KF?

Alice (10:44)

Speedy Gonzalez? Yeah, he's cool.

Fido (10:44)

You're DATING KF???

Alice (10:45)

Well, technically he just skipped out. And I'm not with Sparks, I'm with his 'secret and definitely way hotter twin'.

Fido (10:46)

i have no idea how to reply to that

Alice (10:46)

lol

That's what he said when I found otu.

*out

Fido (10:48)

KF tried to say he was his own twin

Alice (10:48)

Yup. Not his smartest move. We got an A on the project we were meeting for tho

Fido (10:49)

Duh, you were there to balance him out. I'm gonna go tell big bird bout this madness. Later

Alice (10:50)

kk. See ya when I get back!

Alice returned her phone to her pocket and reached for a pickle-bearing burger, only for the bag and burger to vanish from her grip. Wally huffed and devoured two burgers without appearing to breath, then sulked at the newfound emptiness of the bag.

"I can't believe you got him to like you. He doesn't like anyone."

"I call him Fido. That's the trick," Alice replied. "You should try it."

Wally lifted his gaze to her, squinting dubiously. "Fido. Really?"

"It's funny. He has a good sense of humor."

Wally dropped onto the bench beside her. "Huh. If you say so."

Alice smiled and took a few more fries for herself before she offered him the rest of them, a treat that he gleefully accepted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I've thought up a series of Clem and Drake spin-offs set after graduation. Idk if they'd be really spoiler-y, but they'd involve other heroes and a few other fandoms that I like. Also, you'd get to meet the samurai that stick with Clem and Drake, the Tweedles (Clem's earrings, Dee and Dum), and Constantine, who Drake started wearing collared shirts with a little breast pocket for.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I wanted something more with Wally and Alice's parents, but this is what I got instead. Whatever. New semester!

Alice gazed intently at the computer, only half-aware of Li fiddling with the armor of one of the paper samurai at the other end of the computer. They were doing something and she probably should have been more concerned, but she had a film to edit, and also more to record. With Clementine free of non-major classes, she had sent out a proper calendar for everyone to put their schedules on.

Clementine and Drake were on the couch, legs tangled together as they sat on opposite ends, and a little green blob in the corner of the screen told Alice that Clementine was editing the file that Alice had already tabbed out of. It was probably the easiest, Clementine's voice over as a series of articles on Batman cycled by. The program was simple to use once Alice had gotten the hang of it, but she had taken far longer than necessary compiling the pages for the opening.

Alice's phone buzzed and she glanced over at it long enough to see that it was a Bat-Watch alert to stay indoors. She returned her focus to the prerecorded scene on the screen, then stopped and sat straighter to look at Li and the paper samurai. Automatically, she saved the file, and then she pushed her computer to the side and stood, stepping across the length of the table.

"Hey, Li," she said slowly, gaze shifting between the discarded kusazuri and the paper samurai no longer wearing paper form of the plates that were supposed to be laced to the bottom of the dou. Beside the kusazuri was a single sode, Li's hands beneath the other one. "What'cha doing?"

Li pulled off the other sode and held it up to her. Slowly, Alice took it, and was startled when it didn't give beneath her fingers, despite being no larger than her thumbnail. He turned back to the paper samurai and they worked together to pull of the samurai's kote.

"Alice? You okay?" Clementine asked, pushing back her headphones.

Alice looked over at them, realizing with a start that Drake and Clem were both watching her expectantly. She held up the sode. "They're taking off the armor."

For a moment, the couple didn't move, and then in a tangle of limbs they tumbled off of the couch and dashed over to Alice, Drake stopping right before the table and Clementine nearly overshooting and skidding right into it in her rush to stop while wearing socks. She watched as Li set down the paper samurai's kote and pressed her hands to her mouth, releasing a high pitched sound of glee.

"This, there's no way," Drake said, crouching in front of the table and clinging to the edges to be eye level with the samurai. "This suggests that there's a body beneath the armor."

"Well, there has to be," Alice replied, her tone carefully detached. "The haidate doesn't cover all of their legs. It's not like they're...what?"

"Nothing," Clementine said quickly. "What's a haidate?"

The paper samurai lifted his leg and pointed at the thigh guards.

"I found the names of everything when I was drawing them," Alice said absently.

"I know they're not really origami," Drake muttered. "Rationally, I know that. But you made them look like origami, right?"

"Right," Alice confirmed, gingerly placing the sode beside its partner.

"Right. But they've grown fingers, which you didn't do. Well, you said Li did, and then all of the others did, even ours, right, Clem?"

The red head nodded. "Right. I'm not sure where Dum is, but Dee..." She looked around, then motioned at where the temporary earring was sitting in the window, flanked by two paper samurai that made the metal one look even smaller. Without looking away from the window, the small samurai held up his hand and wiggled his fingers, then used those fingers to point at a lamp that had a suspiciously samurai shaped shadow on the inside of the shade.

"Yeah, Socrates has them too."

"Oh, it's Socrates now? I thought he was Plato."

Drake shot her an irritated look. "We're still trying to find the right name. Regardless, this hasn't happened to any of the other stuff, has it, Alice?"

"No! The most the drone does is hide from storms, right? It doesn't do anything else, right?" Alice stared intently at Clementine, who nodded. "What's different here?"

Clementine crossed her arms, watching as the final piece of armor joined its companions and Li and the paper samurai started pulling on the helmet. "Well," she said, long and slow. "Why don't you ever pull people out of pictures?"

"I can't pull people out of pictures," Alice replied with a frown.

"Yeah, but  _why_?" Clementine pointed at Li. "Why can you pull out them, but not someone real?"

"I can't pull animated characters out-"

"Personality," Drake whispered, sitting back. "You told us! You said it to our faces when I found out! You can't make anything with a personality because the things you bring to life make their own personalities! Alice, you made  _people_! Of course they will grow like people do!"

"But, they're not, they aren't  _really_..." Alice trailed off, watching as Li pulled off the helmet and tumbled back, his metal clinking against the table's surface. The paper samurai straightened and patted its blank face, then reached to the side and tugged on neatly rounded ears. "I made people," Alice whispered. "Oh, oh, god, I made actual  _people_ and I didn't  _think_! This is so bad! I should have made, made something else! I don't know what! No! I shouldn't have made anything-" She cut off sharply, pressing her hand to her mouth.

Li looked up at them, then shrugged and pulled a small piece of pencil lead from his uniform and walked close to the paper samurai. He held up the lead and neatly drew a smiley face on the blank paper.

"Huh," Drake murmured. "Looks like they've been planning this."

"It's not a robot takeover, it's a samurai takeover," Clementine intoned.

"I'm a horrible person," Alice mumbled. "I knew they'd be sentient and I still decided to make so many of them and basically make them guard dolls."

Drake and Clementine looked at each other as Li and the paper samurai remained oblivious to their creator's rising panic. While Drake tugged Alice away from the table, Li set down the lead and nodded to the paper samurai. The samurai nodded back, and together they set to work removing Li's armor.

A moment later, Alice's phone was ringing. She looked at which phone was ringing then groaned and pressed her hands to her face before picking it up. "Hood, I'm really not-"

"Okay, before you say anything, I want you to know that it was not my fault, and we would not be in this position if the demon kept his hands to himself."

Alice closed her eyes. Breathed. "What position?" she sighed at last.

"I need your help."

"What position, Hood?"

Her phone buzzed and she grudgingly pulled it away from her ear to look. Then, she stopped and looked again, because, surely, Batman was not the one hanging by his foot from the mouth of a Tyrannosaurus Rex while Robin and Red Robin clung to its back and appeared to be screaming. In the background, something appeared to be on fire. Clementine and Drake looked over her shoulder at the photo.

In little more than a whisper, Clementine ordered, "Save that."

Alice brought the phone to her ear again. "Hood. Why is there a dinosaur?"

"Animatronic, actually. It's  _supposed_ to be in the Batcave, but it, um, was released."

"Released."

"It's not my fault! Robin-"

"Shut up, Hood! You made me start thinkin-"

"You shut up, demonspawn! I'm on the phone!" Hood squawked and if not for the sheer level of exhaustion that seemed to be creeping over Alice, she might have laughed at the noise. "Get off of me!"

Alice rubbed her forehead, her eyes tightly shut. "Okay. Hood. Why did you call me?"

"Demonspawn wanted a pet dinosaur and we can't turn it off. I happen to know someone that can get him a pet dinosaur."

Alice frowned. "Dr. Hammond?"

"What? No. Alice. No. You."

"Me."

"You!" Hood grunted. "We're having some issues turning it off, but we don't need to turn it off if it's alive! If you come and do your thing and just, uh, how did you say it? Bop some life into it? It'll probably be so confused that it will stop!"

Alice stared blankly ahead. Behind her, Clementine was wheezing while Drake had buried his face in his hands. "Hood, I am not making the dinosaur come to life."

"But-"

"I don't know enough about how this works for you to decide how I use it," Alice interrupted sharply. "My samurai are the only things I've brought to life that could really have  _had_ a life, and I'm still watching them change. This could turn into, like, Pet Semetary."

A small snap made her turn and she found the paper samurai holding a newly broken piece of lead to Li's face. They were both looking at the broken lead with their shoulder's slumped. Li was no longer wearing any armor, but he turned away from the paper samurai to start putting it all back on.

Alice turned to Drake, holding her hand over the speaker as she asked, "Can you go get my eyeliner? The bluish one that's a pencil? It might work on Li."

Drake blinked owlishly at her, then grinned and walked toward her room.

"It won't turn into Pet Semetary," Hood groaned. "It's just a robot dinosaur."

"Is Batman still in it's mouth?"

"No, he got out."

"Can I talk to him?"

"You want to talk to Batman?"

"Sure."

Hood was silent for a long moment, then he said, "Okay. Here he is."

"What the-do not!" The phone's speakers rustled and clattered, then a voice that made Alice frown shouted, "Don't throw things at me while I'm running!"

"Nightwing?" Alice asked tentatively.

"Uh." He laughed, sharp and nervous. "Well, not at the moment. B is off world." Then, most certainly not covering the phone properly, "J! Did you really call your girlfriend in the middle of a fight?"

"I had an idea!" came Hood's tinny response.

"That involves a civilian?"

"I can still hear you," Alice said politely, and blinked when Nightwing swore...kind of. When no more sounds were forthcoming, she turned to Clementine and asked, "Were you aware that Nightwing occasionally says gosh darn it?"

Clementine, still lying on the floor, blinked up at Alice for a moment before she laughed loudly. "Of course he does!"

Alice sat back, frowning at the phone. "I wanted to ask Batman to say a few of the lines for you, but Nightwing is acting Batman right now. Sorry, Clem."

She sat up. "Can I talk to him?"

Alice shrugged and handed her the phone. "They're arguing right now. Drake, have you found it?"

"I have no idea what I'm looking at," Drake called back, and Alice laughed and walked to her bedroom. She found Drake standing before the drawer she stored her makeup in, holding it open and staring inside.

"Don't you help Clem with her makeup?" Alice asked, moving to his side. "I thought you'd know-" She promptly lost her train of thought when she looked into the drawer and found one of the metal samurai sprawled atop one of her makeup brushes. One of its feet kicked and it shifted, curling around the brush.

"I think it's sleeping," Drake said softly. "And I don't think they'll let me wake it."

"Won't let you?" Alice's eyes widened when Drake pointed deeper in the drawer, indicating another metal samurai that was undoubtedly sitting guard. "Huh. Okay. You know, I'm not feeling up to dealing with this." She reached into the drawer, catching the other samurai tensing from the corner of her eye, and carefully lifted the bluish black pencil. With that, she closed the drawer, stopping when it was partially open. She took a step away from it. Inhaled.

"This is fine," Drake said before she could, and he definitely meant it more than she would have. "Alice, this is okay."

"It's sleeping," Alice whispered. "Maybe dreaming. What if, what if they start needing to eat? They can't talk! I don't know what they like to eat!"

"Alice, calm down." Drake placed his hands on her shoulders and, not for the first time, Alice was thrown by how different he looked with black hair, without his curls. "This is okay, okay? They listen to you, and you are ridiculously attentive to the things you bring to life. You installed a dog door for a drone. Which, now that I think about it, is under Clementine's bed and if you could help us get it out, that would be great."

Alice laughed against her will. "Okay. I can do that."

"Glad to hear it! We've got this!" Drake swung an arm around her back and they walked out of the room.

Clementine looked up, one of her hands over the table while Li and the paper samurai frowned at her. Li still wasn't wearing his helmet and was still faceless, but the paper samurai's new face had actually turned down in a frown. Alice stopped briefly at the sight, then shook her head and continued forward.

"Li," she said, and both samurai turned to her. "We're going to try this, okay?" She showed them the pencil. Li looked at it, at her, back at it, back at her, and then bounced in place for a moment before rushing to the edge of the table. Alice smiled faintly and shifted to a better height.

"I said goodbye for you," Clem said as Alice, opting to take a cue from Li, drew the same smiley face on the paper samurai on Li. "I think Hood is in trouble."

"Good. He wanted me to bring the dinosaur to life."

"Because that won't cause any problems," Drake muttered.

"Right? Okay, Li, how is that?"

Both eyes closed, turning from dots into thin lines, and the smile widened. Li showed her a thumbs up, then turned pointedly to Clementine, who lifted her hand from where it had been covering Li's helmet. He picked it up and carefully put it on. Alice let herself smile and relaxed as some of her stress faded in place of secondhand delight. Drake was right. It would work out.


	24. Chapter 24

"They can take off their clothes?" Hood demanded, and several people in the restaurant turned to look at them.

"I guess that's technically what's happening," Alice admitted. "But they're not anatomically correct."

Hood slurped the milkshake he had ordered from an exhausted waitress and pointed at Alice. "Not  _yet_."

Alice blinked at him. Thought about how the drawn on faces moved and Li's fingers had tiny nails. Considered her vague suspicion that they had toes. Debated what it meant that Drake had reported Socrates taking naps. "I'm not going to think about that," she said at last.

"Would they be able to reproduce?"

She buried her face in her hands. "When you asked me if I wanted to have dinner, this was not what I had in mind."

"Well, you don't want to talk about dinosaurs and you won't tell me about the other heroes that you know-" Alice rolled her eyes- "so we're stuck on things that are new with you. So. Would they?"

"I don't know, Hood. Like I said, they aren't anatomically correct, and even if they were, armor covers them. I've been assuming that they're all male."

He huffed. "Well, you're no fun. Tell me again about the hotter twins of folks?"

Alice crossed her arms and frowned at him. "I don't know anyone else," she insisted. "And Wally never came up because you never asked."

"There are way too many to ask about!" Hood flung up his arms and almost knocked over his milkshake. He quickly caught it. "Okay. Batman. Have you met him?"

She stared at him, squinting ever so slightly while she waited for logic to catch up. When it didn't seem like logic would, she said, "No. You've been with me every time I met your family."

Hood sat straighter. Despite the hood, Alice felt like he was frowning. "Well. You never know." He tapped the table. "Green Arrow?"

"No, but Clementine gave Speedy a black eye."

"What?"

"Yeah, ask her about it. It's a fun story."

"I'm going to ask  _him_ about it, actually, because I'm still pretty sure she wants to murder me, but okay. Superman."

"Nope."

"Wonder Woman?"

"Would love to, but no."

"Martian Manhunter?"

"As far as I am aware? No."

"Cyborg."

"No, but Wally told me a lot about him."

"Noted. Aquaman?"

"Never even been to a beach."

"We'll fix that eventually. Black Canary?"

"Saw her fighting Harley Quinn once. Went the other way."

"Good call. Green Lantern?"

"Aren't there, like, a billion?"

"Fair point. Have you met any?"

"I don't think so. Do they come in blue?"

"There are Blue Lanterns, yeah. They're, uh, hope, I think."

"I saw one of them, once. Just flying by."

"Noted. What about-"

Someone called out and Alice turned, looking around the booth. Across from her, Hood made a vaguely amused noise and took another drink of his milkshake. Alice had gotten one too, at his insistence, but she hadn't tried it yet. As she turned back, she found herself wondering if Hood had picked Red Robin as the meeting place for the easy joke. She'd thought it when she answered his text, but he hadn't actually said anything about the name of the place. Maybe he genuinely liked the food.

"Hello? Earth to Alice?" Hood waved his hand in front of her face and she batted it aside.

"Sorry, I thought someone called me."

He inclined his head, looking down the side of the booth. "Oh, I didn't hear anything."

Alice shrugged. "I probably misheard. Have you met all of the heroes we're talking about?"

Hood nodded. "I've met most of the League by now. It gets a little weird sometimes, especially when there're six different guys who can make themselves stretchy and they all picked a name like that. Like, which one are you, Plastic Man, Man Plastic, Flat Man, Stretch..." He trailed off with a wave of his hand. "For real, though."

"What about Booster Gold? He looks cool."

Hood groaned, slumping in his chair. "Don't tell him that. He could gain from getting knocked down a few pegs."

Alice laughed. "I still think he looks cool. He's shiny."

"Careful, Alice, your magpie tendencies are showing."

"I'll have you know that magpie's are excellent-" Alice broke off, turning again. "I definitely heard it that time."

Hood shifted to the edge of his side of the booth and looked out. "I dunno, Alice, I didn't hear anything. You sure you heard your name?"

Alice started to confirm it, then stopped. She frowned. "No," she said slowly. "I didn't hear my name. But it was..." She pressed her fingertips together. "I don't know. I'm probably just-"

Her phone rang, loud and startling both of them. Alice frowned and pulled it from her jacket. She checked the caller, Drake, then accepted the call and raised it to her ear.

"Alice. You're with Hood, right?" Drake said, his voice immediately registering as not quite right in the back of Alice's mind, though she couldn't tell why.

"Yeah, I am. What's up?"

Something must not have sounded right in her voice, either, because Hood's head snapped up and he slid from the booth, grabbing his jacket and pulling it over the long sleeved shirt with the red bat across it that might have actually been part of his costume. Alice followed him out, holding the phone to her ear as she grabbed her own jacket and pulled it on, only half-watching as Hood walked to the hostess.

"When you get here, send him up, and don't come up yourself, okay?"

"What?"

"I'm at your apartment. I wanted to get an eyeliner pencil for Socrates so I used the key you gave me since I was nearby. When you get here, send Hood up, but you, stay downstairs, okay? I need to go now. I have to call the police."

"The police? Drake, what-"

"Alice, I need to call the police. I'm only calling you first so that you don't have to see the blood. I'm fine. The...most of the samurai are fine, and I'm sure you can fix the rest. Just stay downstairs, okay? I'm going to call the police now."

He didn't hang up, though, waiting as Alice shut her eyes and processed. "Okay," she said at last, and then the dial tone hummed in her ear before it went silent.

Hood touched her arm, quick and careful, and she opened her eyes. "What're we doing?" he asked.

"Going to my apartment. Drake said he's calling the police. I don't know the details."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"I'm not sure," Alice replied honestly, half-distracted by the swell of dismay twisting through her. "I think so."

"Okay. Let's go." When Alice didn't move, he carefully looped his arm with hers and tugged her forward. "You okay, Alice?" he asked as they stepped out into the night.

"Yes," she replied. "I feel like I failed, and I'm not sure what I failed at. It's very distracting."

"That would be distracting. Maybe it's because you've never met the Flash."

"No, but I've met his hotter cousin." Alice paused. "Or maybe he was his grandfather. I'm not sure. He said he was from an alternate reality."

Hood was quiet for a moment. "Okay. I confess, I don't know who that is."

"Jay Garrick. He and Wally kept making puns at each other and even my willful ignorance couldn't stop me from recognizing him."

"Willful ignorance, huh?"

"I don't  _want_ to know who heroes are!" Alice stressed, and did not like it at all when the dismay crested a hilltop and met sorrow. "Then I know who their families are and I think, oh, wow, does that uncle Wally adores know? If he does, is he really okay with that? Wally could die, and he's been doing this stuff for a  _while_. Do Wally's parents know? Would they try to stop him if they did? Should I tell  _my_ parents? Someone needs to watch out for Wally, and I don't want to put myself in that position, but if I'm the only person that knows, who else is there? I have enough issues of my own and I'm allowed to be selfish about my mental health by not being the person everyone rants to about things! I'm over here making thirty tiny servants without fully appreciating that I'm making  _people_ to do my bidding, and I am so unqualified to be in the know about someone's alternate life that it isn't even funny!"

"Breathe, Alice. Does that really upset you so much?"

"No! I don't know what's wrong right now and I don't like it!"

"Okay, that's fair. That is one hundred percent fair. And, hey, I get what you're saying about being unqualified. Me? Right now? Super unqualified. I do not know what I'm doing. I don't think you have that many issues, though, and I don't think Drake and Clementine do, either. I mean, Clementine threatened to kill all of us if we told you who we are, so she must know some of what you're worried about."

"Clem threatened what?"

"Yeah, it's fine though."

"When did she even get that chance?"

"Uh..." Hood rocked from side to side. "Replacement was a while ago, but I think I've been on her shitlist since then, too, and, oh! I forgot. I was going to do it there, but..." He shrugged. "I'm sorry about skipping out when you told me what you could do. It was a dumb move, and I don't think I ever really apologized for it. So. Sorry."

Alice blinked at him, her own shock drowning out the emotions that, it vaguely occurred to her, were not hers. "Oh. Thank you. I accept your apology."

"Great." Hood nodded. Beneath his hood, Alice could see the barest hint of a grin before she looked away. "So, uh, the rest of us she threatened a couple days ago when I called you about the dinosaur."

Alice filed away that information, though she wasn't sure what to do with it. "Did you get it turned off, by the way?"

"No, but we tied it up and stuck it in a crate so we're hoping for the best."

She slowly turned to stare at him. "I can't tell if you're serious."

Unfortunately, she would never find out, because they had reached her building and she moved on automatic to unlock the door. She stepped inside, Hood at her side, and then stopped in the small common area.

"I'm going to wait here," she said. "Drake said there was blood."

Hood paused. "So you want me to go up?" he asked.

"Yeah. See if he needs help?"

"Sure." Hood extracted his arm, awkwardly patted her shoulder, and then jogged up the steps.

"Who's that," asked a not quite droning voice, and Alice turned to see someone who probably also lived in the building sitting on the couch. He was flipping through a magazine, and if they weren't alone in the room Alice wouldn't have known he'd spoken.

"Fido," she answered.

"Oh. Kay." He flipped another page and silence fell.

Alice leaned on the wall beside the door and stared at the wall across from it. There was a clock that she'd never noticed but it was stopped at 6:17, the second hand frozen by 49. She glanced at the other tenant.

"You a student?" she asked.

He glanced over his glasses. "Yeah."

"What's your major?"

"Chemical Engineering." He paused. "You?"

"Film and Photographic Arts."

"Nice."

And silence fell again. Alice wondered if she imagined the second hand moving toward 50.

Luckily, Drake made his appearance. He smiled briefly to Alice and pushed open the door, waving in a pair of GPD officers. "Thanks for coming," he said to them. "Alice is the owner, but she doesn't like blood, and her cat really messed the guy up." He turned to Alice. "I'm really sorry, Alice, I couldn't stop him from running out when the door was open, but we'll find him later." He turned back to the officers. "There's an ambulance coming, right?"

"Yeah," the one on the left said, but it turned out he didn't need to say more because the sirens spoke for him.

Drake pointed. "It's the open door. If you see a bloody cat, can you try to grab it?"

They stared at him, glanced at each other, and made their way up the steps. Alice nodded to Drake and held the door open for the paramedics. She stayed behind the door, eyes closed against the world, and only listened as footsteps left, returned, and left carrying something heavier. She wasn't sure how much time had passed, but it seemed like only a moment later, Drake's voice trickled down to her.

"Is it okay if I call my girlfriend? The guy was shouting her name and I want to make sure she's alright."

"Go ahead. We'll call you if we have any more questions."

The officers walked by Alice. One of them said, "You don't have much to worry about anymore, miss."

"Thank you," Alice replied, because there didn't seem to be other words that fit a response, and as they walked to their car she stepped inside.

Drake smiled at her, but it was more of a grimace. "Hey, Clem," he said into the phone as he climbed the steps. "I'm at Alice's. Some guy with a gun broke down her door shouting for you." He paused. "I don't know, but I have it on good authority that the Reds are looking into it."

Alice stepped past her clearly broken door. "Ask if I can stay over until it's fixed," she said, looking around, and Drake relayed the words and showed her a thumbs up.

Something was missing. Her samurai were coming forward, likely having gone into hiding when the officers and paramedics were present, but there weren't enough of them. She looked around for Li on automatic, but when she didn't see him she turned to the first one she saw, a paper samurai standing on the back of the couch.

"Where are the ones that need to be fixed?"

The samurai jumped off of the couch and Alice walked around it, no longer listening to Drake. Hood was nowhere in sight, but, assuming that he was one of the Reds, Drake had already given his location. The paper samurai she'd questioned pointed at the table in front of the couch and Alice knelt, looking into the small platform that Clementine insisted made the table a bunk-table.

Li lifted a hand in a not quite wave, but his focus was clearly on the other samurai placed on the table. Alice spared him a glance to make sure he was undamaged, then reached out, picking up another metal samurai with a twisted arm. She frowned at the arm, idly relieved that the samurai didn't seem to be in pain as he held it out for her inspection.

Drake's footsteps approached behind her. "I might have panicked a little," he said. "But they didn't. I had no idea how sharp their swords are. I think Li might've gotten him in the eye."

"You're okay, though?" Alice checked, finally giving up on staring at the arm and attempting, instead, to twist it back as it was supposed to be. To her relief, it went with ease and the metal samurai hopped from her hand once she was done.

"Yeah, I am. I think most of them are, too. He tried stomping on them, and he grabbed Li in his fist, but they look okay, for the most part. I'm, uh..." Drake rounded the table and sat across from it, watching as Alice carefully fixed the direction of a paper samurai's legs while the samurai watched intently. "I never really thought about it, but, have, have you noticed that they're 3D?"

Alice glanced at him. "Yeah?"

"I don't mean just like, like in the sense that they're sided, I mean, like, I don't know the word for it. Li, hold up your hand." The metal samurai did, giving Drake the same strange look he was receiving from Alice. "See, his fingers are kind of padded, like ours are. And when he bends his hand, you can see that little tendon by his wrist, even though he probably doesn't have tendons." Drake scooted forward a little more. "And he doesn't have angles, like origami stuff does. He's point in, like, armor spots, but when he took it off, he wasn't. Did you notice that?"

"Not really," Alice admitted.

"And, and all of the hurt ones, they're still moving! And they're still like Li, with the 3D but smoother thing!"

"Drake, what's your point?"

Drake looked, briefly, as if he had swallowed a frog. Alice was about to apologize for her tone, but he spat out the frog and shouted, "When they die they get flat!"

Alice stared at him. "What?"

"I think! It's the only explanation and they're not moving anymore and Socrates-" The wave of failure swept over Alice again and she watched as both Drake and Li both slumped. After a moment, Drake continued in a near whisper, "When Li was on his face, the guy tried to grab him, and Socrates got in the way. He, he probably tore up his hand, since Socrates was metal, too, but he crushed him, and Socrates didn't pop up again like the others."

Drake lifted his head, his eyes pleading. "I'm so sorry, Alice. I didn't mean for them to get hurt."

"It's not your fault," Alice said. "I was the one that told them to protect the home. To protect us." She looked at Li. "It's not your fault, either." Her gaze dropped to the table, but there were no more wounded samurai. "Have everyone that's left get in my bag. We're going to Clementine's and I don't want to leave you. And, you." She pointed at the samurai whose arm she had fixed, still standing beside the table. "Stay with Drake."

Drake stood quickly. "You're giving me another one? But I got Socrates killed!"

Alice closed her eyes. Shook her head. Opened her eyes. "Socrates protected you and the home, as I asked. If anyone got him killed, it was me. I'm going to go pack, now."

"Alice!" Drake followed her toward the bedroom, but she shut the door before he could reach her. "Alice, this isn't your fault! You didn't know they would get so advanced!"

She didn't answer, dragging a suitcase from under her bed and placing it on top of the bed. There were no sleeping samurai in her drawers as she transferred clothes to the large suitcase, one that she had only recently unpacked as she returned from break. She looked at the clock, but it was too late to call her parents. She briefly entertained the idea of calling Wally, but that would be pointless. He didn't know about the samurai.

Didn't know about her.

She opened the door only once everything was packed and found Drake glowering at her with his new guard on his shoulder. Li was on his other shoulder and leapt without hesitation to Alice, somehow clearing what must have been a significantly larger space than it appeared to be when his size was considered. He still caught her shirt and climbed to her shoulder without hesitation.

"Where are the ones he..." She searched for a word but found none she could say, but Drake grimaced and pointed at the dining table anyway. Alice walked to it and stopped there, studying the five paper samurai and one metal samurai, neatly laid out on the table. She saw what Drake had been trying to say, especially with Li on her shoulder for comparison. They looked like cutouts, stapled together and awkwardly stuffed, like a toy she had tried to make in grade school. Two of them, she saw, had faces. Evidently, Drake had time to draw Socrates a face, and the paper samurai must have been the one Li had been working with.

"What should we do with them?" Drake asked, offering Alice her bag.

She looked inside it and found the remaining samurai, eighteen in total. Alice tapped the two on her earrings and they let go, hopping into the bag as well, and after a moment, Li joined them. She checked that her computer was in the back of it and then put it on, leaving it unzipped.

"Bury them?" Drake prompted.

"Okay," Alice answered.

"Okay. I've got them, then." Drake stepped forward, carefully lifting them and placing them in his backpack before he shouldered it. "Ready?"

"I need to call my landlord."

"We can do that while we walk."

Alice considered that, then nodded and left her apartment. She heard Drake try to set the door back in place behind her but didn't bother to turn, pulling out her phone and trying not to let herself think about the failure that still loomed over her head.


	25. Author's Note

This isn't a proper chapter! Sorry. I just wanted to say something to everyone who follows this story: thank you!

It's really amazing having such positive reception on something that I'm writing, and I feel bad that I haven't updated it in a while. I really don't know what happens next enough to make it a cohesive chapter haha. By no means do I intend to delete/discontinue this, I'm just having story-specific writer's block! (You know I have a problem when I'm writing more than 30 books and have ideas for more.)

As a general 'my life' update, I'm still going through that whole 'college' thing. Yay. I'm working over the summer to pay for my tuition on my own and, as of this moment at least, I'm only a thousand or so short so whoot-whoot to that! I'd say it takes up a lot of my time, but I think it's more accurate to say that I spend my time doing other things. There is no wasted time, only time I'm spending productively elsewhere! All experience is good experience, and all that jazz. For what it's worth, I'm majoring in Technical/Professional Writing and minoring in Creative Writing, so I'll definitely be able to continue writing in places, even if I'm not writing in _this_ place. (Ideally, I will still be writing fanfics on the Archive as a whole, it's just this particular work that I'm stumped at. To be frank, I'm thinking of rewriting it, because I know how it ends and I've got the ideas for a spin-off, I just don't know how to get there.)

As for some writing-type updates: I'm working on a book! (Several, actually. I've got a little bit of a problem.) I finished the first draft in 2016 and haven't known how to restart it, but recently I made a friend in a writer and he helped me figure out how to get going on draft 2! For some reference of been/going, draft 1 was only around 50,000 words while draft 2 is already over 30,000 and I've only finished the 'Act 1', so to speak. That's pretty exciting, at least for me, though I'm not sure where all of the new words and interactions are coming from. Draft 3 might be even longer haha.

But, yeah. Thank you for all of the support, and I definitely  _want_ to keep going with this story, it's just got me at a weird spot right now. I think I kinda shot myself in the foot with it because I looked at the comments and got excited (not a bad thing) and kinda word-barfed all of my ideas without considering actual flow and story structure (not a good thing, but not a bad thing, either. A learning experience!) Since it's been a while, I just wanted to give ya'll an update.

I hope to still see you around when I continue this, and maybe on my other stuff too, but no pressure there lol. If anyone has fandoms they like, though, feel free to tell me in the comments. I always like getting into new things and writing for different fandoms, even though you can't really tell from my account here, so I might write something from one of those!

I hope you all are staying safe and hydrated over this summer!


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look a chapter

Drake, the unhelpful bastard, was laughing. Commissioner Gordon had adopted an expression of reluctant tolerance, probably because Mr. Wayne was there. Alice wasn't entirely sure  _why_ Mr. Wayne had been in the building, but he had been on his way out while Alice, Clementine, and Drake were on their way in, in response to the Commissioner's summons, and he had simply course-corrected and walked silently with them to the commissioner's office and remained a stone-faced presence while Gordon offered them what he knew of the break-in.

"So," Alice surmised slowly, painfully, "he thought that I was Clementine."

"Yes," Commissioner Gordon sighed.

"Because my parents called  _her_ ," Clementine pointed at Alice for emphasis, "their daughter. So he attacked _her_ , not me, because they fired him."

Drake snorted and almost fell off of his chair at the commissioner's pained nod.

"I don't even  _like_ them!" Alice mourned.

"Sucks to be you; they're  _your_ parents now," Clementine muttered. Her face, when Alice looked over, betrayed an interesting mixture of emotions that largely revolved around  _what the fuck_ and  _is this a good thing?_ Alice would have been more than happy to point out that it was not, but she was already unsure how to react to things when Mr. Wayne was standing right there, for reasons that still escaped her.

"Now, there is also the matter of your attacker's injuries," Gordon continued, addressing Drake. Abruptly, he was not laughing. "It's highly likely that he will lose an eye, but most of the damage was superficial and a self-defense claim should be enough to prevent him from pressing charges." Pressing charges after he had broken into Alice's home in a anger-fueled, vengeance search? That seemed like a great plan. "However, it is what he is saying that is concerning, especially considering..." The man hesitated, glancing at Mr. Wayne. "Well, Gotham's more unique traits."

"What, is he saying Batman attacked him?" Alice asked.

Before the commissioner could say anything, Drake turned to Alice and, in a mock scolding voice, said, "Come on, we all know it was Robin that did it. You give him mac'n'cheese one time and he'll always come back! You say Robin? I say Raccoon."

Mr. Wayne made a peculiar, strangled noise. Commissioner Gordon had the expression of someone unsure if there was a punchline but waiting eagerly to hear it all the same. Alice opted not to offer a punchline of any kind, mostly because doing so would be going a little too far into Hood being the only one to ask for, and subsequently be given rather than steal, things, not to mention that he hadn't come by Clem's dorm at all since the break-in.

"What is he saying?" she prompted instead, and Gordon cleared his throat and straightened.

"He's rambling about tin soldiers. It's especially concerning considering that Cosmo Krank recently vanished from his cell."

"The Toymaker," Mr. Wayne said, making Alice jump. "You think that he was involved?"

"It's not impossible. And, considering your recent activities revolving around that movie of yours, it's possible that you drew his attention. I recommend you stop before anything else happens."

"It's my final project!" Alice protested. "There's not enough time for me to pick a new one, and even if there was, I wouldn't. I have a waiting list of people who want to see it and unless you can prove that Toymaker was involved, I'm not going to stop. I knew the dangers of moving to Gotham when I came here and it hasn't scared me away yet." She paused, thinking it over, and added, "Besides, loads of people know I'm doing it and the villains in Gotham are a little too nutty to stop just because I did."

"Aren't you concerned for your safety?" Gordon asked, though he sounded a little more like he was pleading.

"If I'm going to be concerned about anyone, it would be Clem," Alice pointed out, crossing her arms. "What's-his-name was calling for her, not me. College apartments aren't exactly fortresses, and we can't all live in gated mansions." She cast that last part to Mr. Wayne with a faint smile, but paused when she saw his contemplative expression.

The commissioner seemed to see it too, because he took that moment to ask, "Was there something you needed, Mr. Wayne?"

"Ah, not particularly," he replied with an easy smile, thoughtfulness yielding to professionalism. "I'm rather invested in the movie that they are producing, so I was concerned when I heard Ms. Vertur had been attacked. You don't mind, do you?"

"Well, if they have no complaints..." Gordon looked at Alice, appearing to conveniently forget that he hadn't exactly invited Clementine and Drake, either.

"I don't mind," Alice replied, glancing between the men. "Mr. Wayne has been very helpful."

Maintaining his smile, Mr. Wayne said, "She does have a point. The security systems in many of the campus buildings are in dire need of updates, or even installment. And if Ms. Vertur or Ms. Monro are in danger, other students could be as well. Many campuses have established boxes that can be used to call for help at the press of a button; would your officers be amicable to such an installment?"

Gordon blinked rapidly. "I don't see why not. I've discussed it before with the campus administrators, but it's difficult to get them to sign for anything costly. They hardly even ice the streets after the first few storms and there have been many students threatening lawsuits over the years."

Mr. Wayne's smile faltered and shifted into a frown. "I see. I suppose that will be another topic I address when I visit the Dean. In the meantime." He turned to Alice, though his gaze seemed to be focused more on Clementine. "Your protection is paramount, especially considering what I am told is a rather...unique connection to your muses. I would like to extend an invitation to Wayne Manor until the campus safety requirements have achieved a satisfactory level. The offer extends to all three of you; I am told you are something of a package deal, and we can arrange for transportation to campus when you require it."

They all stared at him, even the commissioner. Clementine looked vaguely suspicious, and Drake was counting on his fingers and muttering to himself, but Alice's mind skittered restlessly between her samurai and what Hood would say when she told him she'd been offered a room in Wayne Manor.

"Would we be able to bring friends over?" Clementine asked. "One of Alice's _muses_ likes to come by."

The commissioner seemed to give up in that moment and sank in his chair, perhaps accepting that there were things he would never understand about them. Alice agreed, though she was busy staring at Clementine and trying to telepathically demand,  _Are you seriously thinking about accepting?_

Clementine cast her a sidelong look and attempted to telepathically respond,  _Duh._

"It wouldn't work for me," Drake said, apparently done counting. "I still have loads of classes, unlike these two."

"But just  _think_ ," said Clem, turning to Alice. "A private space to finish the movie and the man himself to give the first edits!"

"Clem," Alice said reluctantly, struggling to determine how to phrase all of the reasons it was a horrible idea.  _It's Wayne Manor_ seemed like it should be enough, but it wasn't like the manor was a bad place, and Mr. Wayne was standing right there.

"You can certainly bring friends," Mr. Wayne said smoothly, eyes still on Clementine. There seemed to be a silent conversation taking place, which unnerved Alice as much as it confused her.

"Great! When can we move in?" Clementine asked, smacking her hand against Alice's mouth before she could even think to verbalize a protest.

* * *

Fido (15:27)

I'm sorry, I think that the phone is having a seizure and sending incorrect messages. Could you repeat that?

Alice (15:27)

plz don't make me type it again. I'm still not srue how it happened.

Fido (15:28)

So, what, is he adopting you?

Alice (15:28)

*sure

Wait no

Fido (15:29)

lol

Alice (15:30)

[IMG. 1488]

Fido (15:31)

lmao that's awesome. tiny samurai middle fingers

Alice (15:32)

Li's gonna stab you next itme he sees you btw

*time

Fido (15:33)

That's assuming Li's a he

Alice (15:35)

I really do not want to go into the samurai anatomical accuracy hood

I'm stil processing that they cna die

Fido (15:36)

I'm sorry what now

Alice (15:41)

ill explain in person. not over this.

Fido (15:42)

Kk

Want to go to red robin again? We never got to finish our date.

* * *

Clementine swiveled away from the clothes she was packing when Dee poked her, awkwardly from where he hung on her earring but doable anyway. She first noted Alice's red face, then the bat-stickered phone in her hand.

"What'd he say? Does this mean I can murder him again?"

 

 


End file.
